Too bad I wasn’t writing this at 4:56, then it would be 4:56, 7/8/09.  Or maybe waited 10 more minutes and it would be 7/8/09, 10:11.  That one’s cooler.

Anyway…one last comment about MJ, now that my mom, my dad, my sister and my aunt have all posted.  I was glad (from the parts I saw and what Han described) that it seemed, as much as it could, like a family funeral, with a mostly dignified respect that everyone deserves.   Of course, hearing his daughter speak was powerful and I definitely feel for the kids.   I have the same kind of feeling I had after Kurt Cobain died.  His daughter was only 2 years old.  She’s 17 now and I have a feeling we’ll be hearing about her more as she gets older.  I think the same will be true of Michael’s kids.  May they retain a  groundedness that they seem to have already (somehow!).

Beyond that, I don’t have much to say really.  More and more I’m striving to find a measure of joy in each day.  My sister has a simple one line note on her blog called “Today’s Joy.”  I like that idea.  Perhaps I will try to emulate it.  Perhaps if I am aware that I should notice where the joy is in my daily hours, it will become easier to only see that.

Today’s joy: Han making chocolate chip waffles for dinner (and noting that he knows they’ll probably never be as good as my dad’s).

“Pacing the Cage came pretty quick, unlike some of these other ones that, where ideas sat around for a long time. I had remarked to the person that I was with at the time, um, not in reference to being ‘with’ her but with reference [laughs] to my life in general that I felt like I was pacing the cage. I was just, I mean there was a lot about the way I was living at the time that just wasn’t working and I was really feeling that and that’s pretty much the song. You know, I don’t think those feelings were unique to me, or unique to that time and place, they’re, they’re feelings that everybody, I think, well as its says in the song: sooner or later it’s going to get ya. Um, hopefully not for long and not often, you know but….”

- Bruce Cockburn – from “Songwriting (part 2)” workshop, Conference ‘98 Festival of Faith and Writing, Lab Theatre, Calvin College. 4 April 1998.

Pacing the Cage

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it’s pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I’ve proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip’s worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And every one was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It’s as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you’ll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can’t see what’s round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage
Pacing the cage

I find the frenzy over Michael Jackson’s memorial service completely ridiculous. It’s true that nearly everyone in my generation owned a copy of “Thriller” (though I prefer “Off the Wall”), saw “The Wiz” multiple times, and marveled when he unleashed the moonwalk. I remember wanting to go see the “Victory” tour for maybe a minute in the mid-eighties. But my MJ fandom stops there.

Yes, artistically, he was a trailblazer in many ways. But it is stunning to me how completely amnesiac people are to the more recent MJ doings. Nothing musically that was worth any significance. The marriage to Lisa Marie Presley. Dangling his son over a hotel balcony. And oh, hey, remember the molestation trial? Not to mention the previous ‘incident’ that ended up with him paying the family $25 million to not talk about it? Remember the alcohol in soda cans allegations? You know OJ Simpson was acquitted too but everyone still thinks/believes he killed Nicole. I have to say that I feel the same about MJ. I don’t think he was all there and don’t understand why his death, as premature as it may be, should instigate this kind of deifying media attention.

I know the argument is that what he did artistically should supercede the other stuff.  There’s a lot of things being said like, “Well, aside from all that other stuff, how ’bout that music?”  I find it hard to separate them.  MJ certainly didn’t.  Most of his life was lived in the public eye, by his own design, even if he didn’t admit it.  And much of it was at time (early nineties) when we (the world in general) didn’t seem as celebrity-obsessed, glued to TMZ, as we are now.  He still made the news (eg. marriage to Lisa Marie, marriage to Rowe, birth of his kids, dangling Blanket, the “Living with MJ” documentary.)

I know this may sound harsh but I just am not feeling the MJ love. Tomorrow in Los Angeles, they expect a million people to descend on the Staples center. That’s insane. To me, he was a troubled man with severe health and mental issues. May he rest in peace, and may Los Angeles survive the onslaught.

Hi folks…well I already missed a day but I hope you’ll forgive me.  There’s not much to report.  Serena won the women’s final against Venus, and they went on to win the women’s doubles titles, too.  Most impressive.  Tomorrow morning, it’s Roddick against Federer.  I hope it’s a good match regardless of the outcome.

We’re having some friends over today to celebrate the holiday. Grilling, drinks, the usual.  We’ve been in housecleaning mode so that’s always a good thing.  Back to usual Sunday stuff tomorrow (laundry, groceries etc).  Kind of boring, but sometimes things are just ordinary.

Have a great holiday!

I love tennis! I just finished watching Serena’s semi-final match and getting ready to watch Venus take on Safina (why she’s ranked # 1 I’ll never understand). I’m rooting for Venus to take it all the way again this year. Hooray for DVR!! Not sure who I like in the men’s matches. I’m kind of indifferent but I just love to watch whoever’s playing.

So happy for the 3-day weekend. Tomorrow we’ll be cleaning up the house and just taking care of some errands. Then on the 4th we’re having some folks over since we’ll have a good look at a lot of the fireworks (though they’re not my cup of tea) from our perch here above Mission Bay.

Enjoy your holiday!

Goodness, how did this happen?  July already?!?!?

I must point out my new blog header.  Doesn’t my mom do great work?  I love it!

I won’t go into all the details that made up June, but I will say that we successfully released the Rock Band’s CD on June 21st.  Both my parents wrote about it, so you can see the details on their blogs if you’re so inclined.  In brief, the show went very well and I was pleased with the results.  The show itself kicked all kinds of ass and I know that Han had a great time playing.

Since then, I’ve been trying to relax.  Trying to figure out how time just moves on whether you want it to or not.

Oh, I will mention one other June thing.  The San Diego Junior Theater play that DK is in opened on June 26.  It’s Mulan Jr, and it’s just awesome.  I am always so impressed with their productions.  The play runs until July 12.

It is my humble intent to write at least a little–dare I say it?–every day.  Stated with the purest intention in my heart.

Stay tuned for an upcoming post about my day with Snickers the dog.

local-music-rules

Since I posted almost every day in April, I thought that maybe I could not post at all in May…not really, it’s just nearly turned out that way. Sorry. Things have been a little hectic around here, with very little chance of smoothing out any time soon.

Honestly, this month has been very trying for me. Emotionally, financially, and physically.

All month I have felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do. Having a natural tendency toward laziness while at the same time a vigorous work ethic, I have been at odds with myself, spreading myself very thin and some people in my life have suffered the consequences. What’s worse is that I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I mean I think I know all the ways that are supposed to work, but finding joy seems like a task unto itself. I am loaded on stress, whether it’s my job, the household, the music stuff, there seems to be very little respite. My mood swings have been dazzling and kind of scary.

The downturn in the economy has touched us and that’s never a good feeling. We are doing our best and have received some much appreciated help. I can only try my best to help get the ship righted a bit. See above re: stress.

And physically…I developed bursitis in my right shoulder. I actually went to the doctor (not my first choice usually) and was prescribed some strong anti-inflammatory medication. It seems to be working quite well.

All of this is not to say that I haven’t had some good days and good news this month:
- I spent some great quality time with my mom & dad at the beginning of the month and then just with my mom on Mother’s Day. That was seriously a fabulous day.
- I randomly headed down to Elevated where I witnessed how the little seed I helped to plant in the poetry scene some ten years ago has blossomed. I must say it was the strangest feeling sitting there, listening to these voices and knowing that I helped make it happen, and knowing that almost no one in the room knew who I was. That may sound sad, but it wasn’t. It was cool. And I did talk with a couple of the organizers (Ant Black and Christopher Wilson) who were very kind. I did read, too, and that is always a thrill.
- We pulled off successful back-to-back performances (as well as a show up in LA) to celebrate the release of the Acoustic Duo’s CD . The CD is being very well-received by the masses. They are traveling to Texas this weekend to perform at a huge festival that’s sure to further fuel the fire.
- DK landed a part in the Junior Theater production of Mulan Jr. which is very exciting. The show opens on June 26 and runs until July 12. We already have our tickets for opening and closing night and we’ll probably go to another show in between.
- I’ve kept up my reading (new books updated on my books page)
- We went to see “Angels & Demons” (I’m in serious need of bulking up my Flicks list)

So there’s good stuff. As my sister said, “You’ve got to punch a fun ticket every now and then.” And she’s right.

But what worries me is not seeming to be able to sustain the good mood, the happy attitude. What worries me is that I seem incapable of relaxing. I mean WTF? I mostly feel tired, jagged, coarse. Even when I try to plan relaxing things, I’m telling myself, “Okay, now is the time scheduled for relaxing.” That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

I usually am not this forthcoming about my personal well-being or state of mind on this blog. But I figure, the people I know who read this with any regularity are people who love me and who would want to know what’s going on with me, right?

So what’s ahead?
- Fast approaching is the release of the Rock Band’s CD (June 21) and there is a flurry of activity that accompanies such a thing. Many details that must be attended to.
- I have a reading on the 24th. A publication party for another anthology I was lucky enough to be selected for. It’s in National City which is kind of a drag, but I’ll get to see some friends (Robt!) who I haven’t seen in forever.
- Continued promotion and planning for Acoustic Duo and Rock Band gigs.
- Hopefully a pedicure if I can get the darn thing scheduled.
- and summer…I don’t know if I’ve looked forward to a season more than I am doing this year. I need the sun to soothe this stress and anxiety I have.

Sorry for the period of famine with regard to my posting. Here’s to more feasting.

Today is Poem in Your Pocket day. You have 30 poems from this blog alone to consider adding to your pocket today. I like some of the suggestions they provided to make poetry more public today:

In this age of mechanical and digital reproduction, it’s easy to carry a poem, share a poem, or start your own PIYP day event. Here are some ideas of how you might get involved:

  • Start a “poems for pockets” give-a-way in your school or workplace
  • Urge local businesses to offer discounts for those carrying poems
  • Post pocket-sized verses in public places
  • Handwrite some lines on the back of your business cards
  • Start a street team to pass out poems in your community
  • Distribute bookmarks with your favorite immortal lines
  • Add a poem to your email footer
  • Post a poem on your blog or social networking page
  • Project a poem on a wall, inside or out
  • Text a poem to friends
  • Share poetry. That’s all they ask. I’ve tried to do my part this month with my daily postings. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed them! I certainly had a fun time finding stuff to post, and of course, there are many others that I would have liked to add. Friends like Robt O’Sullivan Schleith or Daniel Weinshenker and classics like Edna St. Vincent Millay or Lorca. I encourage you to seek them out on your own.

    For the final poem this month, I chose this rather long piece, but one that I still find so fascinating. With wisps of nostalgia, sorrow, and hope, it seems a fitting way to wrap up. And it contains the phrase that is on this year’s National Poetry Month poster, something that I want to keep asking myself, to challenge myself and make life better.

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    The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
    by T.S. Eliot

    S’io credessi che mia risposta fosse
    a persona che mai tornasse al mondo,

    questa fiamma staria senza pi scosse.
    Ma per ci che giammai di questo fondo
    non torn vivo alcun, s’i'odo il vero,
    senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

    Let us go then, you and I,
    When the evening is spread out against the sky
    Like a patient etherised upon a table;
    Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
    The muttering retreats
    Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
    And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
    Streets that follow like a tedious argument
    Of insidious intent
    To lead you to an overwhelming question.
    Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
    Let us go and make our visit.

    In the room the women come and go
    Talking of Michelangelo.

    The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
    The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
    Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening
    Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
    Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
    Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
    And seeing that it was a soft October night,
    Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
    And indeed there will be time
    For the yellow smoke that slides along the street
    Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
    There will be time, there will be time
    To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
    There will be time to murder and create,
    And time for all the works and days of hands
    That lift and drop a question on your plate,
    Time for you and time for me,
    And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
    And for a hundred visions and revisions,
    Before the taking of a toast and tea.

    In the room the women come and go
    Talking of Michelangelo.

    And indeed there will be time
    To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
    Time to turn back and descend the stair,
    With a bald spot in the middle of my hair–
    (They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
    My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
    My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin–
    (They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
    Do I dare
    Disturb the universe?
    In a minute there is time
    For decisions and revisions which a minute win reverse.

    For I have known them all already, known them all–
    Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
    I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
    I know the voices dying with a dying fall
    Beneath the music from a farther room.
    So how should I presume?

    And I have known the eyes already, known them all–
    The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
    And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
    When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
    Then how should I begin
    To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
    And how should I presume?

    And I have known the arms already, known them all–
    Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
    (But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
    Is it perfume from a dress
    That makes me so digress?
    Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
    And should I then presume?
    And how should I begin?

    Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
    And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
    Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?

    I should have been a pair of ragged claws
    Scuttling across the floors of silent seas…

    And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
    Smoothed by long fingers,
    Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
    Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
    Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
    Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
    But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
    Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in
    upon a platter,
    I am no prophet-and here’s no great matter;
    I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
    And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
    And in short, I was afraid.

    And would it have been worth it, after all,
    After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
    Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
    Would it have been worth while,
    To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
    To have squeezed the universe into a ball
    To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
    To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
    Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”–
    If one, settling a pillow by her head,
    Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
    That is not it, at all.”

    And would it have been worth it, after all,
    Would it have been worth while,
    After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
    After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along
    the floor–
    And this, and so much more?–
    It is impossible to say just what I mean!
    But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a
    screen:
    Would it have been worth while
    If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
    And turning toward the window, should say:
    “That is not it at all,
    That is not what I meant, at all.”

    No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
    Am an attendant lord, one that will do
    To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
    Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
    Deferential, glad to be of use,
    Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
    Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
    At times, indeed, almost ridiculous–
    Almost, at times, the Fool.

    I grow old . . . I grow old . . .
    I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

    Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
    I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
    I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

    I do not think that they will sing to me.

    I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
    Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
    When the wind blows the water white and black.

    We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
    By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
    Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

    - from The Waste Land and Other Poems

    Back in the day (what a funny expression), this poem was my ’signature piece.’ I don’t know, maybe it still is in some circles. Since it was written in April some years ago, I thought it would be a good one to add in this month of poems.

    The Kind of Smoker I Would Be
    by Lizzie Wann

    Sometimes I wish that I smoked
    because it would give me something to do
    during those times when I find myself waiting
    or those times when I want to run away from people
    their conversations or their arguments
    I would at least have something to occupy my mouth during its silences
    when it only wants to feel some pressure against it
    without effort, without asking

    Because that’s the kind of smoker I would be
    silent, alone, taking it in and letting it go for myself
    the way I would kneel and clutch my rosary
    with sunlight shaken down from heaven

    But I am not religious
    I believe in something that I don’t know if it could be called
    God or Self or Sun & Moon
    only that there it all is and here I am in it
    and I am satisfied with that knowledge
    don’t want to investigate mysteries
    like what lies beyond darkness of an April sky
    or if something will be affected
    if my body is returned to the earth with its skin and some clothes
    or if it is scattered as ashes
    my bones baptized by fire in death
    far from the holy waters of birth

    Ashes of the cigarette I would smoke
    would be mingled in a bowl or a pot with the others
    that I would then mix with water and
    try to throw on the potter’s wheel
    but I am not a sculptor either

    I fall in love nightly
    with the bare forearms of musicians
    and secretly thrill myself
    with the wonders of their mouths
    that might press against mine
    without effort, without asking

    Like the way my cigarettes would
    burn and live and die
    by my mouth
    these kisses exist quick and sweet between us
    without regret
    with love and not sorrow
    because it has been so nice
    to not be sad about love
    for so long

    I would snub out the cigarette with ritual
    to end its burning and satisfaction
    Celebrate it with hymns for its graces
    and for all those that will come after
    to also
    burn and live and die
    and to know my mouth
    in its silences

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