Meeting Grace: The Blog

On Monday night, I tossed and turned and had three very vivid dreams. I wrote them down elsewhere (too muddled to include here), but they involved gunplay with Han (after which I woke up crying), huge dogs, a homeless couple (who owned the dog), a music in Iraq documentary, drunken friends, space shuttles, walking around LA wearing only a towel and Oliver Platt. I know it was nearing a full moon and that there was an eclipse, so maybe my mind was tuned into something quite beyond me because WTF?

Between dreams, I woke up at 3:08 am and thought about going outside to see the eclipse. I didn’t. I was simply too exhausted. When I got home from work yesterday, I felt like a zombie and slightly removed from the goings on around me. Han suggested I go lay down and I did. It was 8:30 pm. I got up once to change the laundry and then promptly went back to bed. Next thing I know it was 11:30 pm and Han was coming to bed. I went to sleep again and woke up again at 3:40 am. What is up with this waking up in the 3 am hour?

I had more dreams last night. One involved me burning some banana bread in the oven and another involved me reading a magazine that was busting on some upcoming Bruce Willis movies. The mag showed about 3 or 4 different stills from some of the movies he’s making. Each still was basically the same scene but they were supposedly from different movies. The magazine was saying how the movie studios should check with each other. And I remember the picture: Bruce Willis is facing the camera, he is on the floor with his back against a dresser, he is more in the background. He has been shot in the chest and is bleeding. In the foreground, a red blanket is laid out. In one picture it has silverware wrapped in napkins placed on it, as if a picnic is about to take place. In another picture, there are cowboy boots and sandals scattered on the blanket. That’s the only two I remember studying. Weird.

~~

In many of the other blogs I read, there is a sense of change. Many of these blog owners happen to be teachers or moms, so they are returning to work after a summer off or their kids are going back to school. In a way, I am jealous of this mark of time they have in their lives, the sense of something ending, something else beginning. And as I write this, I realize that I too have this to a degree as DK prepares to go back to school next week. Starting 5th grade at a new school. But I am somehow slightly removed from it.

And for my own daily routine, there is no difference from summer to fall. The weather changes slightly. Baseball winds down. But it’s been a good summer. And I’ll dedicate my next few posts to re-counting stuff I did.

This is an excerpt from “Java Jams,” a locally aired TV show. This particular episode was dedicated to the Game and the title was “Feel Free.”

The first performer is Sven-Erik Seaholm, then me, then an interview with Jeff Berkley and then a performance by Berkley Hart.

Enjoy!

Watch “Feel Free”

p.s. I’m doing everything I can not to critique myself!

off-hours

in her off-hours
her patience is inconsistent
quick to be riled, the inquiries
and indifference of children
are hard to tolerate

not known for her maternal instincts
on her best days
she doesn’t lament her choice
to not have one of her own
but instead finds a quiet joy
in the hug or sparkling eyes
of a girl, growing quickly into
a “tween”, with whom she shares
half her week

she anticipates the moments
when this girl’s passions emerge
when she becomes inspired
when she truly finds something
that shapes her world

~~

in her off-hours
her own passions wane
listless and lazy, not even
words can move her
and the voices of doubt
judgment and anxiety
team up to torment her

she waits
offers little explanation
for her moods
much to the displeasure
of those around her
who sense a shift but can’t
pinpoint it, can’t read her mind
to know that things are just
off
for the moment, for the hour,
for the day

she vows to herself
to write through it
to take whatever it is
and give it a name
wax philosophical about it
get outside of herself
to see it with a new eye

~~

in her off-hours
she should consider the girl
her good-natured way
and willingness to adventure

she should kiss her lover
tell him she needs a
small bit of solitude
to work it out

she should write
about anything
that comes to mind

———-

from the prompt from Poetry Thursday: using the last line of a poem as a jumping-off point for a new poem…

My first line, “in her off-hours,” is the last line of Maya Stein’s poem, “the coatcheck girl at OgilvyOne” that can be found here: http://papayamaya.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_archive.html  (scroll down to the date of Tuesday, March 15, 2005).

I also used this like an exquisite corpse and didn’t read the poem before writing my own. I just finished reading the poem and there’s a small bit of synergy if only in the fact that both narrators are writers.

warning: another long post – sorry, but I blog the same way I would write in my journal or email my mom, sister and aunt (hi Mia!). 

I don’t consider myself a real “city” girl. I’m not a country girl either. I’m just somewhere in between, equally content and competent to maneuver Santa Monica Blvd or to break off some wild sage from a desert roadside.

But I will admit to having a strange fascination for the glamour (potential and past) of Hollywood.

When my family moved to the suburbs of Los Angeles in the mid-80’s, I was more than ready to leave the rural confines of my Idaho hometown. My mother, born in Barcelona, is accustomed to a city’s pace, but won’t drive freeways. My father, a small-town country boy in most respects, is not drawn to the bustle of a city. So, in high school, I rarely had a chance to see the City of Angels, even though I lived only about 20 minutes from its very vibrant heart. But on the rare occasions that I did, there was always a wonder that took me over. The excitement of a chance sighting or even an encounter with a “star” made me flutter a little bit. But it was more than that. It’s a place where people change their lives. Where people’s lives are changed whether they want them to be or not. It’s a destination for artists to find their big break. There’s an energy to the city that I’m fascinated by. And as I’ve gotten older and have seen more sides to it, I know there is much more to L.A. than all of this. But for me, there will always be a large dose of that energy.

So it was with my most recent visit, with Han & DK, that I was reminded of this fascination, this nameless excitement of a magical place where people can be stars.

And it was personified when we drove into Hollywood to take DK on a bit of a sightseeing tour. We drove up Hollywood Blvd, Han pointing out sites of interest as I strained to see the Hollywood sign, something that I always do when I get the chance. He made his way to Laurel Canyon and we wound our way through the curving streets up and up to Mulholland to illustrate why one of the rides at California Adventure is named after this road. Han pointed out movie studios from an overlook and I could only muster a mystified silence as I thought about how many people, famous, rich or not, who make their living in this town, who struggle every day or not.

We made our way down the hills and took Sunset for a while, teasing DK that we might see some paparazzi. Han pointed out all the famous clubs he’s played in, and we’d supply other names to give her a reference, to understand the level of fame we were talking about. We wandered into Beverly Hills briefly and then made our way back to Santa Monica Blvd, where we noticed some smoke billowing not too far ahead of us. We later found out that it had been a nightclub that had caught on fire. We detoured off the main street, partly because traffic was getting heavy and partly because DK was a little scared by the billowing smoke. We made our way to visit G, a friend of Han’s who he works with regularly when he needs to master the records he’s working on. G recommended a Mexican restaurant on Sunset, El Compadre, for dinner and that’s where we went next. We’d already had a fabulous day, starting off with an early morning jaunt to Disneyland for a few hours, then a couple hours in the hotel pool and room service for lunch. Then there we were, enjoying a yummy meal and there was still so much more to come.

We entered the Pantages Theater on Hollywood Blvd, its neon sign lighting up the gloaming Tuesday evening. The lobby was filled with theater-goers and I was thrilled to be among them to see the musical (my first professional one to see live) “Wicked.” It was my gift to DK for her birthday, but it was something that I was also especially interested in. The theater was extravagant and gorgeous. As DK & I walked around, I often thought of the movie “Moonstruck” when Cher goes to the Met with Nicolas Cage to see “La Boheme.” Or Julia Roberts when she goes to the opera in San Francisco with Richard Gere (what opera did they see?). I tried to ignore the various vendors hawking the play’s merchandise in an effort to keep the magic going.

Moving into the house to take our seats, the wonder surged again. The stage was elaborately set for the show with a huge dragon near the ceiling, its wingspan stretching the entire length of the stage. Each side contained what looked like scaffolding but was designed to resemble the workings of a clock. The seats were plush and fortunately, we were on the aisle so we all were comfortable. As we waited, I had a great opportunity to take in the other audience members. The extreme degrees of dress were surprising. We’d chosen to “dress up” a bit, though there were others much more gussied up and still many others who were dressed down. Anything goes, as they say.

When the lights went down and the audience began to applaud, I moved to the edge of my seat without realizing it. I stayed there until the first act was over, fighting back tears from the sheer emotion of what I’d just witnessed.

I went into this experience, purposefully, not knowing much about the story. Not knowing the music, the characters. I wanted to be won over and not have any preconceived notions. It so often feels like I don’t let myself have that anymore. I always want to know what’s happening, what’s going to happen or avoid it because I know I won’t like what’s happening.

And so it was that I was swept up in the music, the acting, the lights, the sheer force of this musical about a misunderstood woman who, because, in part, of how she looks, is made to be wicked. Or at least perceived as such. I was caught a little off-guard when the main characters each made their first appearance and how the audience reacted with thunderous applause at the mere sight of them. And how after each big number, the same would happen. I don’t know why this surprised me, I just wasn’t expecting it. But it was awesome!

And it was funny! And exciting. Thrilling even. And poignant, beautiful. A tribute to friendship and loyalty but also a commentary on how others can influence how we see the world to suit their own ambitions, which is something that happens whenever you watch a political press conference these days.

I strained to hear every word so that I could stay caught up with the story. It was incredible how they moved the story along with each song and how much emotion the actors could evoke in their voices as they sang. And these actors. Wow. These are stars. And not who most people would consider as stars, smiling out at us from magazine covers, many with little, if any, talent. But when I think of Hollywood and its potential magic, the actors in plays like this are the people I think of. These talented, amazing women and men who sing and dance and make magic right before your eyes.

I was so impressed with the subtle way they transformed Elphaba (played by Eden Espinosa) into a character we all recognize from our childhood, the Wicked Witch of the West. And how Glinda (played by Megan Hilty) becomes Glinda was equally marvelous. And did I mention it was funny? I was pleasantly surprised when I suddenly laughed out loud at something that was original and unexpected.

Perhaps I should have played it more cool, and been more attentive to how DK was probably perceiving the whole thing, but I’ll admit I was being too selfish with my own wonder of it all to be cool or reserved. When the first act ended, with the incredible showstopper “Defying Gravity” where you see Elphaba lifted above the stage with her cape streaming around her, I was moved to tears (even now writing to describe it, my eyes well up from the memory of its powerful mood).

During the intermission, I walked in a bit of a daze as DK and I tried to get into a bathroom. But all of the lines were impossibly long so we decided we could hold off. Han bought DK the Broadway soundtrack as a souvenir (a fine choice).

We took our seats for the second act and I was swept away again as they moved to resolve the conflicts and finish the story. Again, the emotion and intensity of the scenes were spectacular and moving. The way they built the friendship between Elphaba and Glinda was masterfully done and very true to the ways women can be with each other, whether they’re friends or sisters. We are hurtful and mean at times, jealous, joyous, and loyal to a fault at other times. We’re emotional and full of pride, and still willing to do what we can so that those we care most about can succeed or find love or just be who we need to be, the only way we know how.

Another thing I truly enjoyed is how the Wizard of Oz characters are woven into the story. I won’t give anything away (maybe that’s silly to say, perhaps I’m the only one who didn’t know the story!), except to say that once Boq changed, I tried to figure out how the others would play into it and I was right about them! It made me want to watch the Wizard of Oz again and see how it flows from this story.

When the play was over, I was in tears. And as the actors made their curtain calls, I nearly blubbered a bit. I remember feeling like that when I saw plays in high school, of course, this experience goes way beyond such a thing, but it’s about the effort and talent that it takes to stir up that kind of emotion in people. It’s wondrous.

And it’s a bit different than seeing a concert although there are some overlapping feelings. I don’t quite know how to analyze that just yet, so I’ll ponder it some more. Which makes me then think of myself and that as I write this and consider my own experience of being on stage, reading/performing my poetry, I wonder if people think this way about me. Because I don’t think that of myself. I enjoy the opportunity but I don’t seek the limelight to make my living and so perhaps I think I don’t belong in the same frame of reference. And maybe these actors don’t think of it like that either. And maybe musicians don’t either. But there it is.

We made our way through the throngs back out on to Hollywood Blvd, shuffling over the stars of Bette Davis and Jackie Gleason embedded on the Hollywood Walk of Fame beneath our feet. We got to the car (thanks for letting us borrow it, Mom & Dad!) and easily merged on to 101 South, heading back to our hotel in Anaheim, all of us re-living the play and its energy. As we drove, the Los Angeles skyscrapers towered into the night, blinking back at us with small spaces of light. And all around us was magic.

p.s. I’ll be getting a copy of the book this weekend. Can’t wait!

On Friday, Han & I left our house and headed out to Ramona for the weekend. His rock band had a gig at a great little roadhouse called Cheers on both Friday & Saturday nights. The owner of the bar offered for us to stay at his house since he’d be out of town. So we headed out around 6 pm to go set up the gear for the show, then head to the house for a bit and then go back for the gig.

The house was great, a sprawling 4 bedroom, 2 story place with an incredible deck that faced west. The sunset was breathtaking. It was fairly out of the way so it was quiet and still. There was also a view of Ramona Lake. Driving to it, you take a dirt road that winds through an old oak grove with enormous boulders to the side of the road. It was at once creepy and beautiful.

The gig on Friday was a dud, just because there were hardly any people there. This is no reflection of the band, it’s not the kind of gig where people are there to see them specifically (usually). It was just a dead night for the bar. So that was kind of a drag. Han & I drove back to the house and crashed out. We slept in ’til 10:30 or so (I think he was up for an hour or so before me). We hung out on the deck and saw red-tail hawks swooping by. It was truly awesome to see. Then we poured some margaritas and decided to take a ride on the golf cart. Led by the black lab, Sumo, we took our chances on the cart once we found that it hadn’t been plugged in. We didn’t know how long we’d be able to go but we went for it. Up and down the nearby roads and driveways. Up to the boulders on the road coming in and up an empty road that promised a house for sale. Sumo kept up with us the whole way as the temperature started to rise. Going up that last road, the cart was having some trouble, but when we stopped and looked at the view, Han looked around and noticed wild sage growing. We took a bunch of it and will be making sage bundles later this week. It was something I’d always wanted to do. To harvest sage from the wild. Its earthy scent worked itself into my skin and I felt so peaceful. Han told me how to take it from the plant and how to only take one or two stalks from each plant so that the plant would survive. We went back to the house and had to alternate getting out and walking. We also had to push the cart a little bit. As we rolled up to the garage, it ran out of juice. Perfect timing.

I drove down to a little market and got us some lunch while Han stayed back and tried to do some writing. I loved that part of the day. Coming back and to hear him noodling on the guitar and making notes in his book. We had lunch and promptly got drowsy. We napped in the living room for a couple hours. So relaxing. The rest of the day was spent pretty much like that, lazing about and not worrying about anything.

Eventually, it was time to head back to the bar for that night’s gig. I’m happy to say it was a much better night, lots more folks who were into the music and having a good time. It helps the night go by easier when people are enjoying themselves (both the audience and the performers).

Got up on Sunday around 9:30 am and took to cleaning up the house. We left around 10:30 am and headed back to San Diego. It was hot. HOT. My immediate task when we got home was laundry and getting ready for our next excursion which begins at 4 pm today when Han, DK & I get on the train and head to Los Angeles. We’ll go to Disneyland tonight and tomorrow and then go see “Wicked” tomorrow night. I’m so excited! And I’ll get to see my mom & dad this afternoon which is always a good thing.

I’ll be sure to report on the LA happenings when I get back on Wednesday. Have a wonderful week!

Hosted a house concert last night with Joel Rafael. It was a fine show, and Joel sounded really good. He’s got some new songs and the audience really enjoyed the evening. The one downside was probably the heat. It’s been terribly hot here and the house just holds on to it.

What struck me last night was how the house changes when it’s house concert night. How it becomes compartmentalized and assumes its new identity so easily.

The back bedroom becomes the green room where the artist relaxes before the show. I stock it with water and snacks (last night was red pepper hummus with crackers and spinach dip). There is a rocking chair that someone can sit in and while the audience comes in they can faintly hear the artist tuning up and rehearsing down the hallway.

The enclosed porch area which usually serves as my office space becomes the lobby where guests come in. I check their name off a list using my laptop and they pay for their seat and wander in to claim a chair.

The living room becomes the house seating where I set up cushioned folding chairs that face the dining room. I usually play a CD (last night was both Joni Mitchell’s “Dreamland” and Rickie Lee Jones “Naked”) or tune to a cable music channel (usually the bluegrass station) for house music for the guests to enjoy before the show.

The dining room becomes the stage.  This house is an old Craftsman so it is replete with hardwood floors, original wood doorframes and a lovely built-in buffet area that has a low mirror in it.  The artist can place their drinks, capo, music, tuner, etc on the surface and not be too cluttered.  The space has fit up to 5 musicians in various set-ups.  If there’s a drummer, he or she usually sets up near the kitchen door, but usually it’s just one or two performers who play and sing.  For lighting, I put a floor lamp down to the left of the performer near the door and then the overhead light has blue, green & red bulbs that serves well to light the stage.  The audience is dark.  I only turn on other lights before the show, at intermission and after the show.

Outside on the side porch, we set up a table right outside the door that serves as our refreshment area. There’s coffee (regular & decaf) and sugar, Sweet ‘n’ Low or creamer. There’s also water and usually some cookies or other kind of treat. Guests can contribute a dessert to share if they choose but aren’t required. There’s also plenty of space out there for folks to hang out before the show and at intermission.

The kitchen is off-limits as is DK’s room and everyone respects that. If I need to go to the kitchen for anything, I just go through the back door and stay quiet.

While the show is going on, I stay in my office area or sit on the side porch and watch through the screen door. Or I’ll sit in the back with Han where he is recording the show. It’s strange to listen to the show that way. Because often it sounds so good anyway that you don’t realize it’s happening live, much less two rooms away. And there is a strange sense of safety to it all. Knowing that our home is filled with kind people who love music that is created simply by strumming a guitar and singing a song.

It’s an awesome thing to fill the house with music this way. And to fill it with those people, too. The artist is undoubtedly happy to play for an audience that listens, that is tuned in to every word, every story and to earn a nice amount of money to get them to the next gig, pay for some gas and some food. I’ve been hosting shows for seven years now and I sometimes forget the magic that is created. But for a moment last night, the house shifted and was not just a house where I live with my love. It was a haven for sound, for peace, for like-minded citizens to gather and appreciate a troubadour, a place where you not only meet grace, you get to know her and look forward to the next time you can get together.

LONG POST!

The days seem to fall together so quickly, I can barely keep up. My intention for this blog is not necessarily to document each day’s happenings, but for these last few days it seems warranted. Also because I know I have family who read this and I want to let them know what’s been going on! If you’d rather get to my more poetical musings, going ahead and scroll down a bit…

DK turned 10 years old on Wednesday. In the morning I had a card for her and when she went into the kitchen to make her breakfast, I went up and gave her a big squeeze and the card. After she read it, she hugged me good and hard and I had to fight back the tears. It was such a cool moment. She also hugged me before I left for work. A great way to start the day. That night, we had dinner at the Corvette Diner where Han & I presented her with our gift: a trip to LA to go to Disneyland and to see “Wicked” at the Pantages Theatre. She was so excited. I am, too, actually. It will be my first professional musical. After dinner, we took her to her mom’s where she was told about another of her gifts, a cell phone. More squealing. We left her there and made our way to that night’s gig. Han was in the opening band and then was called up as a special guest with his acoustic duo partner to play a couple songs to again celebrate their ten years. There were some great people there that night. Some old friends and some relatively new ones. I was at ease in their company. And Han was having a great time as a friend of his from Australia was there. They talked music and travel and ways to have Han return to play music again down under. A late night.

An early morning and I had a tough time getting through the day. So much so that I actually missed going to a gig downtown with the rock band. Han was very sweet about it. I stayed home and did laundry, caught up on email and went to bed early.

Friday saw another gig for the rock band and one that I attended, but before that, we stopped at another place to see our friend, Barbara, play. She is a golden-haired beauty with a voice like a honky-tonk angel. I feel connected to her in nebulous, intangible ways, though we’ve had very few one-on-one interactions. And those have usually been paired with wine or another intoxicant so they are tinged in a way. I find it more difficult to let people in these days. I’m much more closed than I used to be. A protective device no doubt, but there are some in our lives who I would love to open up to and likewise, would love to know more. But I digress. The Friday night show was fun and rockin’ and people were into it. Another late night.

Another early morning on Saturday. I accompanied Han to deliver and set up a sound system for a party that afternoon and then we headed to Parkway Bowl for DK’s official birthday party. Two of her friends, her mom and her grandmother. We bowled and more officially, we cosmic bowled. The room is decorated in blacklight. There are disco balls, smoke machines and music playing. I could not tell you the last time I bowled but guess what? I bowled a 99 the first game! An 86 the second game, and overall it was quite fun. Part of the party was pizza and unlimited soda, DK’s mom also brought a cake and then DK opened gifts. Then it was time for the arcade where the wills of 3 ten year olds battled when one believed she should have the control. Han handled it all very smoothly and helped upright some attitudes. We parted ways with the birthday party then as it was to be continued at DK’s mom’s place for a sleepover.

Han & I went home for a little bit and napped, then headed out to the party. It was an open house of sorts for the acoustic music scene here in town. People were welcome to perform and they all did. 3 songs each, no particular order. There was plenty of food and drinks and great company. The evening ended differently than I envisioned but that’s how those things go sometimes. Another late night.

Sunday gave us the luxury of sleeping in. I got up before Han and got sucked into my book (“The Kite Runner”). Suddenly it was past 11 in the morning and I hadn’t done much of anything. I went on a self-guided guilt trip which wasn’t much fun. Han’s rock bandmates came over and we loaded ourselves up to go to another gig, this time an outdoor street festival. Lots of snafus and misinformation made this one pretty forgettable, but it was a blip in a month of numerous gigs, so we let it go. Han got the hankering to make fried chicken for dinner so that’s what he did. [Have I mentioned that Han is a fabulous cook? Which is great, because if it were up to me, we might starve, or buy stock in Kraft. I rule at the boxed pastas etc, but otherwise, not a lot of cooking skills here.] Dinner was yummy and we watched the PGA Championship (we’d recorded it) and the Padres game. By the end of the night, we were exhausted and went to bed.

Last night, we had a couple over for dinner. Musicians who are a duo, and married, and so cool. It was a pleasure to talk with them in our backyard oasis, drinking wine and champagne. Han made a Greek salad for dinner that was perfect for the hot day we’d endured. DK hung out with us for a while, but then she took herself to bed and we continued to talk and learn about each other. They were getting ready to leave the next day for a two week tour to the northwest. But we still talked and laughed until almost 11:30 pm and it was good. We gave them a few CD’s to take with them on their travels to feel inspired, to curl into as the surrounding hours moved them north.

END OF WEEKLY RE-CAP: And now for a more philosophical bend…

I read through several blogs during the week (see blogroll) and from many of them, I get a sense of the haphazardness of life. How things just show up and throw you off: an unexpected death, an off-hand remark, a threatening storm on the day of a wedding. Still others are filled with exploration, a desperate need for understanding and meaning or just a gentle reminder of ways to notice what happens around you every day.

I don’t know if I could name the last time I had noticed how the sky looked, but driving home yesterday, the clouds were swirled like the way sand on a beach might look after you run your fingers through it.

I don’t have a set time for writing. I never really believed in that. But then, writing came much easier for me. I thought whenever the inspiration hit me I could jot it down. Now, I don’t often have that luxury so I consider the option of a routine writing time. Some say the morning is the right time, but as you know, I don’t know if that would work for me. But perhaps I could fit it in, even if it’s ten minutes to jot down a dream, a few things to do that day or a recap of the day before (that would cut down on this kind of monstrous post). Maybe I’ll try that.

For now, I thought I’d leave you with some things that I’m enjoying and one thing that I definitely don’t like.

What I’m enjoying:
Warm vanilla sugar lotion from Bath & Body Works: I have a bottle of it at my desk at work and I will slather it on liberally throughout the day. Its scent is a luscious bit of pampering.

Birkenstocks: I wear them everyday, even to work. I’m lucky that way. My heels are not doing so well, but one of these nights I will take care of them properly (soak, slough, soothe).

Reading whenever I can: I’ll read little bits throughout the day. It’s like I’m cheating on a diet except instead of sneaking chocolate, I sneak bits of chapters. I get lost in the stories, the characters.

Orangesicle shake from Carl’s Jr: Have you had one? A big cup of summer with whipped cream.

Not killing my plants: They are all still alive and doing well! I still owe before & after photos of the backyard.

One thing I don’t enjoy:
Women who talk to each other while using the bathroom at work. Maybe they happen to meet at the door to the restroom and they strike up a conversation, and then they continue it as they select their stalls, lock the doors and sit down. They talk over the stalls and are oblivious to anyone else in there. And many women do this. Sometimes they are personal conversations, sometimes they are work-related. Some women have even come in and used the bathroom while on their cell phone. I don’t get it and I’m not a fan of it. Does this annoy anyone else?

Here’s the poem I referred to here:

When You Go

your CD player broke about 200 miles ago
all you can get through that Arizona desert
is AM radio that alternates between
preaching and Hank Williams

high lonesome rolling of Hank & his heartbreak
partners comfortably with the litany of sins & redemption
that pervade every life lesson and reinforces
your belief that music and religion do the same thing

whether it’s John Lennon or Jesus
they were both just trying to save us
from ourselves, hoping to teach us
the things they’d already learned
so we keep going back to them
when we feel like we can’t keep going on our own
we find solace with them
just like how you do now on that dark road
on your way home, thinking of me
and the ways we each find strength

last night before I turned out the light
the house’s sudden silence rang in my ears
I didn’t know what I missed more
the bustling energy or this more sustained quiet

even now as I sit in the garden
enjoying a warm November morning
I miss a certain quality of life when you go

so turn up your radio
while I transmit this unique prayer
and we’ll soon see each other again
somewhere between the melody and the message
~~

This piece was written for “The Game” that was filmed for the TV show, Java Jams, episode # 38.

Thanks to everyone who came to the reading last night. Of course, many of them don’t know I have this blog, but should they ever come upon it, they will know that I was grateful that they were there. (Of course, I told them in person as well!).

I was especially pleased to meet the dancing mermaid. Thanks so much for coming and even more so now, knowing that you were dealing with a heavy loss. I felt a little like a schoolgirl trying to make a new friend and not quite knowing what to do or what to say. But you were lovely and sweet. I hope that there will be other opportunities to meet. Thank you again.

I tried to explain something last night about having this blog and I don’t think I did a good job. Schmoopy tried to answer the question “Why do you blog?” the other day and it has caused me to think about it, too. I don’t know how to explain it very well, but this blog for me is an outlet of my life. But it’s also a balancing act because I want to maintain some privacy for the people in my life. And perhaps I’m giving myself too much credit to think that someone might read this who knows me. The thing I’m trying to discover, to maneuver on this blog is how to chronicle all the wonderful experiences in my life without getting too specific. Does that make any sense?

But this is also a blog about me. And last night felt so great. It had been a really long time since I’d performed for a significant amount of time. I had been anxious about it all day, not sure what to read, feeling a little defeated that many of my poems were getting on 10 years old! But then I found a few newer ones that I added in and was feeling better. And when I got behind the mic, it was like riding a bicycle. These old words given life again were me, or at least a representation of me at different points in my life. Trying to cull the emotion that prompted them as well as attempting to divine the energy to bring them a fresh spin and represent who I am now was empowering. And the response was great. There was a great mix of people in the crowd, some who I knew, some I did not. Some old friends and some new, poets and artists and good spirits. I drove home with an awesome sense of self.

I will also say that in preparing for the reading, I was inspired to write more. To document my days in this place I’m in now. I have done that to an extent with some of the newer pieces, but so many pieces that I read last night are centered around a place or a moment that deserved documenting. Many of my newer pieces are deliberately more detached, simply because I wanted to try to write from a different perspective. That’s where “Scarlet” and “A.W.O.L.” came from. But the ones I resonate more with are personal, are ones that illustrate moments in my daily world or paint a vision of what’s important to me.

So here’s to more writing and more reading, to mermaids and good spirits, to music and friends.

I never really think about it, because it’s just how it is, but being able to go see live music almost every night made by people I love and who inspire me is really quite something. This weekend was no exception.

Actually, the musical nights began on Thursday, with Han’s rock band playing at the Coyote Bar & Grill in Carlsbad. It’s always a fun time. They play outside on the patio where there are lots of tables with fire pits. Everyone’s always in a great mood, looking forward to the weekend. Some will occasionally get up and dance. As I said in an earlier post, some women from work came out and I liked hanging out with them.

On Friday night, the rock band played again at the Mission Bay Boat & Ski club which is notorious for cheap and loaded drinks. It’s the best kept secret in San Diego and I love hanging out there. It’s relaxed and always fun. It was a late night with a bunch of our crazy, musical friends jamming out to “Fire on the Bayou” while others were out sitting on one of the boats, talking baseball.

Saturday morning, the acoustic duo Han is in were on the KUSI morning news to promote their big show that night. We’ve been fortunate to become friends with one of the news anchors and she’s doing everything she can to help everyone get some TV exposure. It went really well. The day was spent napping and just relaxing and then it was time for the show.

When we arrived at the venue, we went through all of the preparation to get ready and they started to sound check when we realized they couldn’t do it. There was a loud rock band performing at a park right across the street and the sound just echoed into the venue. We also learned that there would be another loud band playing until 8:30 pm, an hour after Han’s show was supposed to start. Oy. But we really had no choice. There was no way that their lovely acoustic music was going to over-power the mega-amplified music from outside. There were people lining up to get in at 7 pm and we had to ask them to wait. And they did. It was incredible. This show was not just any show. It was a show to celebrate 10 years of making music together. We’d done a ton of work to promote it. And it was killing us that we might have to refund money etc.

But it all worked out. A loyal fan had brought a couple cakes for folks to have at intermission. We served it instead before the show. We had set a slide show so people could look at that as they waited. We sold CD’s and t-shirts. I think there were only 6 or 8 people who asked for their money back. Everyone else stayed and when Han & his partner,C, went on around 8:40 pm, the venue was packed front to back and ready to listen.

This music is part of my everyday life. But I still love to hear it all. They played old songs, they played new songs. They had special guests including a guy who played the tuba to back them up on one song that features tuba on the recording. C’s son came up and sang the song he wrote with him. Our friend Barbara came up and sang with them and then did one of her own songs. And then I was also a guest. And I missed my intro.

I was settling up with the venue operator for the earnings of the night. I was in a different room and couldn’t hear what was going on. I thought I had more time before I was on. I heard a lot of clapping, and wondered what that was, but kept at what I was doing. C came out to find me. I felt so horrible. C reassured me that it was fine and that they’d made it part of the show, but I felt awful and was sad that I had missed whatever Han had said to introduce me. C told me that it was more perfect than I could imagine and I felt even worse! So, Han was finishing up a song that he had decided to do when I didn’t come out and then introduced me again. We performed out piece together and it went very well. And the good news is, the evening was recorded so I’ll be able to hear what was said. It’s probably for the best anyway, I’m sure I would have cried.

Overall, the evening was just incredible. Everyone who was there was so nice, attentive, appreciative. They didn’t care that it started an hour later. They loved it. They love them and their music and to be part of that is something I often just take for granted. I mean it’s just part of my life. But it is special and magical and good.

On Sunday, it was back to the rock band and a performance out at the Ramona Country Fair. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling very good so I couldn’t enjoy it as much as I would have liked, but one of the best things about it all is the places we end up and the people we meet. Han & I will often stop for a moment and look around and just take it all in. I mean our lives take us from the beach bars to the Ramona fair in a span of three days with a hearty dose of radio, television and acoustic music thrown in. That’s not all the time, of course, but it’s always awesome.

And tonight, it’s my turn for the spotlight. A featured reading at the E St Cafe in Encinitas. I’ve invited people from all aspects of my life and though I’ve learned not to set my expectations too high, I hope a few of them will make it out. I haven’t done a featured reading in a really long time, I couldn’t even tell you the last time. I’ll spend this afternoon putting together what I’ll read and try to relax.