Sometimes kids dress up for Halloween as something that they want to be when they grow up. Sometimes it’s just fantasy or fun. But seeing as how today is Halloween (I’ll post a picture tomorrow probably), I thought it would be a good time to expound on Schmoopy’s meme to list “5 things I want to be when I grow up.” Here are the basics:

What did you dream about doing before everyday life got in the way? Before the “real job” became, well, real. What does your heart long to do? What if fear were taken out of the equation entirely? How would you spend your time here? What did you dream about as a child when you laid upon the soft grass staring up into the clouds, watching all the shapes morph into objects during those lazy days when the concept of possibility was never ending and time seemed as if it would go on forever?

The idea of this meme is to spend some time thinking about this and rediscovering our dreams and then writing about them on your blog as a way to hold on to them, honor them, perhaps even make some of them a reality…

Like lovely Schmoopy, I’ve pondered this a bit and was pleasantly surprised to realize that many of my dreams have happened, in some way or another. So I felt challenged to come up with future dreams or other goals I can aspire to.

1. Florist
Since I was a kid, I have always thought the idea of working with flowers every day would be awesome. In high school, I got a part-time job at Conroy’s helping out during their busy ‘formal dance season.’ I remember that I had to pin the heads of roses so that they stayed upright in the bins. I didn’t hate it and I don’t recall why I didn’t continue to work there. Scheduling maybe? It is still something I think of wistfully.

2. Bookstore/cafe/venue operator
Those are all three combined into one thing in this dream. I even have a name for it, which I will keep to myself. This would be a neighborhood place, maybe in a small to mid-size town where folks could get books, coffee and hear live music. The closest thing I might be able to compare it to is Zandbroz, except I don’t think they do live music. The way I would see this coming to fruition is if I were to take over something already established and then help it continue and flourish.

3. Writer/poet
This dream would be one that is already true for me, but not to the fullest I believe it can be. I make my living writing, though it’s not completely creative. I have had success as a poet in a somewhat limited scope. I would like to be known as a poet, on par with Sharon Olds, Jane Kenyon and Joy Harjo. Part of my goals for ‘08 and beyond is to submit my work and try to get my name out there a bit more. I’ve also tossed around the idea of getting an MFA though I’m still not sold on it. There are residencies and grants and all kinds of things out there that are representative to me of what it means to be a writer/poet. I’m not saying that I’m not a poet now, but I’ve always wanted to fully commit to it.

4. Musician/performing artist
Or as Schmoopy wrote: rock star. As a kid, I pretended to play keyboards and would sing at the top of my lungs. As a spoken word artist, I have had a lot of experience performing and being on stage and I really love it. I’ve also on occasion had the pleasure of singing on stage though it scares the crap out of me. I would like to work on this side of my creative life, though having such extremely talented friends does intimidate me a bit.

5. Win the lottery
What’s funny about this is I never play. But the concept is to achieve independent wealth. Although I don’t believe money brings happiness, it can help make some things possible. It could free up the time I spend working (to earn money) to write, create and play (things that don’t always earn money). It could allow for travel, investment etc.

I’m going to break the rules and add a 6th one that I just thought of.

6. Live/work in Spain
I have family there and for a brief time I was seriously considering moving there for a while to see how it felt. I’ve spent extended periods of time there as a child. I’ve also traveled there as an adult but not with the same luxury of time (see # 5). I love it there, particularly the eastern coast (Costa Brava). I would love for Han & I to spend time there as his style of music is widely popular over there. Ideally, I would be able to combine this one with # 3 and feel completely content.

What a wonderful exercise this turned out to be! Some of these are things I’ve not given much energy too lately but just writing about them has lifted my spirits. If anyone else would like to list their dreams, go for it!

It seems appropriate on this of all days that I might summon these dreams, that I might cast the ideas out to the universe on the eve of Samhain, considered to mark the beginning of a whole new cycle. According to http://www.chalicecentre.net/samhain.htm, it says: “In dark silence comes whisperings of new beginnings, the stirring of the seed below the ground.”

And with this, I have reclaimed my love for this day and what it can represent. I recognize that it was no mistake that I chose to be a witch today. I am tuned in to the magic. Hope you are, too!

click here for an interesting read about Halloween

Here are excerpts from today’s Union Tribune regarding the latest information on the fires here in San Diego:

As of last night (10/29), all but one wildfire remained under investigation. Authorities have located the exact power pole, in the 1500 block of Rice Canyon in eastern Fallbrook, where the 9,500-acre Rice Canyon fire began.

Containment means firefighters have encircled a fire, minimizing its risk of spreading. Controlled means a fire is extinguished.

Since Oct. 21, the Witch Creek fire – the largest conflagration – has burned nearly 198,000 acres from near Julian to Rancho Santa Fe. The fire is 95 percent contained and is expected to be fully controlled by Saturday.

Near the Witch Creek inferno, the Poomacha fire started in Pauma Valley and has charred almost 50,000 acres. It is 70 percent contained, with full control expected by Nov. 5.

In South County, the Harris fire, which began in Potrero, is 85 percent contained at 90,440 acres. Full containment is expected Wednesday and full control on Saturday.

The Rice Canyon fire, which broke out east of Fallbrook, was fully contained Sunday at 9,472 acres. Full control is predicted for Nov. 5.

The Horno fire on Camp Pendleton is fully contained at 21,004 acres, with full control expected Thursday.

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Tomorrow is Halloween and I will be making an attempt to be Elphaba from “Wicked.” The one thing I don’t have is a black cape. I’ll post a picture whether it’s good or not.

But overall, I have not given justice to what is usually my favorite holiday. We didn’t have a chance to carve pumpkins this year and I didn’t decorate at all.

In fact, it’s been kind of a strange week already. Han & DK went to Disneyland yesterday so I barely saw them, but they had a blast. Tomorrow is Halloween, which is not your typical day or night. Thursday, Han has a show and on Friday he leaves for a conference. Then it will be November, my birth month and a whole new set of thoughts to think.

I found this awesome rendering on Daily Drawing Diary by Rob Pepper. Be sure to click the link for a lovely Halloween treat!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

If you’ve never seen or heard the power that music can have, let me try to illustrate the scene that took place last night.

Around 6:30 pm, we got a call from a friend saying to head down to Qualcomm Stadium (one of the evacuation sites) around 9pm to play some music for the evacuees. So Han, DK & I loaded up and made the short drive to the stadium, now home to some 10,000 people who have been displaced by these horrendous fires.

Even though my home was completely safe, the stress and smoke had my head aching. I’d taken a long nap during the day but it was still there (and still is today). But I still wanted to go there and see the people and be part of the situation.

When we pulled into the parking lot, the guard at the gate was so thrilled to hear that we were coming in to provide some entertainment. We parked and after some calls figured out where to go. Walking through the stadium parking lot we saw cots, tents, people setting up camp near their cars in the parking lot and news trucks. Inside, much of the perimeter of the stadium was lined with food tables. There was plenty for everyone it looked like. But it was so strange to see this place in this new context. People had put their cots in the rows of seats that face the football field. They were set up in tents in the thoroughfare where on game days there are beer and hot dog vendors. More cots placed strategically near the restrooms.

photo by Nicole Lozare: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kpbs/1731980504/in/photostream/

We found our friends gathered at a picnic table near gate F.  They were just there with acoustic guitars, a djembe and their voices. They started to take turns playing songs. When I got there, they were doing one of C’s songs called “Good to Be.” I love this song because of its uplifting message and soaring chorus:

Feeling kind of blue on a Sunday afternoon
thinking ’bout all those things I’ve been meaning to change
I’ve been meaning to do but
there’s a good song on the radio
and there’s a breeze blowing through my window
and the dog next door hasn’t barked for a while
so it’s good to be alive

After that song, they went around the circle and A sang “Angel from Montgomery.” Everyone sang along and played along. Slowly people began to come around and listen. Children danced. Han was next and he led everyone in a rousing rendition of “This Land is Your Land.” More people showed up. A girl who had stopped to listen asked if anyone knew “American Pie.” My friends & I all laughed to ourselves because there is one among us who knows every word to that song, and doesn’t love it so much. But you can be sure that he immediately started playing it, and of course, we all joined in at the chorus that everyone knows:

bye bye miss American pie
drove my Chevy to the levee
but the levee was dry
and good ol’ boys are drinkin’ whiskey & rye
sayin’ this’ll be the day that I die

Looking around at everyone singing and smiling and even dancing, I teared up a little and got some goosebumps. So many people have said this on blogs or in the news, but the fellowship among San Diegans has been remarkable and this was but one example. And I was right there, singing along. I am so grateful to have this stellar group of musical souls with huge hearts as my friends.

photo by: John Gastaldo/The San Diego Union-Tribune/Zuma Press

It’s devastating here. More than 250,000 people have been evacuated so far and they are still announcing mandatory evacuations for various neighborhoods as the fires keep moving. There are 8 separate fires going. Han & I know many people who have had to leave their homes (including Heather among many others). I was unable to go to work today and they have also let us know to not come in tomorrow either. This is definitely worse than the Cedar Fire was 4 years ago (same time of year).

I have to say I’m very impressed with San Diego’s emergency response. It’s been going as well as you can possibly hope for considering all that they have to deal with.

We’re home, not going anywhere. They’ve asked us to try to keep off cell phones to allow for emergency people to use the networks. But I’m online and we’re in a very safe location.

For my friends and everyone else who have had to evacuate or otherwise been affected by the fire, my thoughts and well wishes are with you.

I missed my alarm this morning and woke up at 7:36 am.  I’m usually on my way to work at that time.  I hate that feeling. After you’ve been soundly sleeping to suddenly be thrust into your day, catching up the moment your feet hit the floor. It makes me cranky.
Han was up and I wondered why he hadn’t thought to wake me, but the thought immediately following that was, “it’s not his responsibility.” But when he saw me pulling on my jeans and asked what was wrong and I said, “It’s 7:30 and I’m late,” it came out with a hint of accusation. He recoiled and closed the door as I went about my flurry of getting ready.

I didn’t have time to try to explain myself. I didn’t have time to wash the dishes or take out the trash.  I was out the door by 8 am. Tired, frowny and already feeling frazzled.

But it is a beautiful morning. Early sunshine and a slight cut to the temperature.  Driving along the freeway, I noticed a bird and with a flash of realization saw that it was a gorgeous, large red-tail hawk.  Usually they are in the air or perched on the top of a tall light post so it’s hard to see them, but this one was sitting on the top of a small bush on the side of the freeway, only slightly higher than eye level and I was able to really look at her (well, as much as you can while driving past it on a freeway).  But I saw her and her air of authority. She was beautiful.

It was Han who first pointed them out to me. He has a great eye for them and always sees them before I do.  But this one I didn’t miss.  I couldn’t.  And if I’d been one minute earlier or one minute later, I wouldn’t have seen her.  So maybe this day is going exactly the way it should.

I took the meme challenge from Molly’s blog:

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die :

1. Fly first-class to some fabulous destination
2. Make a significant poetry and/or performance “comeback”
3. Travel to aforementioned fabulous destinations
4. Live w/ Han somewhere other than San Diego
5. Be a haven for T and DK if they need it as they get older
6. Continue (or return to) writing my world down
7. Work for myself

Seven Things I Can Do :

1. Read voraciously
2. Write poetry with some talent.
3. Go see live music almost any night of the week.
4. Stay in almost any night of the week.
5. Organize events and schedules.
6. Clean (when motivated – the contrast of ‘before’ and ‘after’ is an awesome feeling)
7. Dance when the mood hits me.

Seven Things I Can’t Do

1. Cook (not well, not creatively)
2. Play an instrument
3. Drive a stick shift (probably if forced, I could manage)
4. Swim (I hate my head being underwater)
5. Not cry when upset, frustrated or angry
6. Paint or draw freestyle (my drawing is okay if I’m copying something)
7. Freeze time

Seven Things That Attract Me to People :

1. Sense of humor, ability to make jokes, puns about anything going on
2. A way with words
3. A sense of wonder for the magic of music
4. Willingness to get to know me (does that make sense?)
5. A sense of mystery that makes me want to know them and their history
6. Perceptive spirits
7. Appreciation for the every day, little things

Seven Things I Say Most:

1. “What’s up?” / “What up?”
2. “I love you.”
3. “Hey girl…”
4. “I just…”
5. “Totally.”
6. “I don’t know.”
7. “Sweet.”

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

1. Jennifer Aniston (maybe sad, but true)
2. Diane Keaton
3. Pamie / Dooce (can bloggers be considered celebrities?)
4. Will Ferrell
5. Cindy Wasserman (of Dead Rock West)
6. Idina Menzel
7. Jack Black

Seven People I am tagging:
I’m not totally sure how these work…do you just leave these folks a comment?

1. Red
2. dancing mermaid
3. Boho Girl
4. Schmoopy
5. soaked in sin
6. Barbarella
7. Mom (since you don’t have a blog, you can just leave it in the comments here!)

Yesterday marked the anniversary of Janis Joplin’s death 37 years ago. I started to really feel a kinship to her in high school and moreso in college. There was and never has been anyone else like her. Since I didn’t get to post this yesterday, I drove home from Han’s gig in Carlsbad blasting tracks from “I Got Dem Ol’ Kozmic Blues Again, Mama,” an album that I love.

And in playing these tracks, a song came up that I used to have on a mix tape I’d made for myself. It’s empowering and tragic and gorgeous. It’s “Kozmic Blues” and it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, to remember her and to try to get a grip on my own moods and attitudes that have been extremely piss-poor lately. I’m quick to anger and slow to peace and joy. It’s affecting everything between me & Han and I want so badly to make it stop. I’m not sure how to do that. So I turned to this woman who in her angst, revelry and twisted journey has always been able to lift me up.

I don’t know if I can explain it any better than in part of a poem I wrote several years ago about how and what she means to me. She’s shown up in various poems of mine over the years. Always reverent and still human. I’m not obsessive, but I feel like part of her is in me always. If the timing had been right, I would have believed that part of her soul had come into mine, but she died 13 months before I was born.

Here’s to Janis, the kozmic blues and the word.

Kozmic Blues

-Janis Joplin, Gabriel Mekler

Time keeps movin’ on,
Friends they turn away.
I keep movin’ on
But I never found out why
I keep pushing so hard the dream,
I keep tryin’ to make it right
Through another lonely day, whoaa.

Dawn has come at last,
Twenty-five years, honey just in one night, oh yeah.
Well, I’m twenty-five years older now
So I know we can’t be right
And I’m no better, baby,
And I can’t help you no more
Than I did when just a girl.

Aww, but it don’t make no difference, baby, no, no,
And I know that I could always try.
It don’t make no difference, baby, yeah,
I better hold it now,
I better need it, yeah,
I better use it till the day I die.

Don’t expect any answers, dear,
For I know that they don’t come with age, no, no.
Well, ain’t never gonna love you any better, babe.
And I’m never gonna love you right,
So you’d better take it now, right now.

Oh! But it don’t make no difference, babe, hey,
And I know that I could always try.
There’s a fire inside everyone of us,
You’d better need it now,
I got to hold it, yeah,
I better use it till the day I die.

Don’t make no difference, babe, no, no, no,
And it never ever will, hey,
I wanna talk about a little bit of loving, yeah,
I got to hold it, baby,
I’m gonna need it now,
I’m gonna use it, say, aaaah,

Don’t make no difference, babe, yeah,
Ah honey, I’d hate to be the one.
I said you’re gonna live your life
And you’re gonna love your life
Or babe, someday you’re gonna have to cry.
Yes indeed, yes indeed, yes indeed,
Ah, baby, yes indeed.

I said you, you’re always gonna hurt me,
I said you’re always gonna let me down,
I said everywhere, every day, every day
And every way, every way.
Ah honey won’t you hold on to what’s gonna move.
I said it’s gonna disappear when you turn your back.
I said you know it ain’t gonna be there
When you wanna reach out and grab on.

Whoa babe,
Whoa babe,
Whoa babe,
Oh but keep truckin’ on.

Kings & Pearls
-Lizzie Wann

Elvis died 30 years ago.
If that is indeed true
I was 5 years old
up in my neighbor’s fort,
someone came to tell me
that Elvis had died
and I remember I was sad
because I knew how much my parents liked him
and that my father had a resemblance to the king
in his own younger days.

And I mean the ‘68 Elvis
before Las Vegas, before scarves and high collars,
before sightings in Louisiana diners & New York subways,
I mean the “That’s Alright, Mama” Elvis
rebel, hip-swinging, long hair,
easy smile, Priscilla-loving man.

all of this I’ve learned since he died
30 years ago
but it feels like I knew him

the way I AM Janis
walking down an L.A. street in October
after “Buried Alive” and Barney’s Beanery,
“I will not die tonight,
sidewalk’s dirty but my feet don’t care
my lips are cold from beer…”

then there’s that void
between the cigarette machine
& the hotel room where they found her

It is a void darker than desert midnight

No one knows
but me.

She wasn’t done.

Because every time I listen
there is a pure calling that I answer,
that I try everyday to understand-
the way millions flock to Graceland-
country road innocence
of hitchhiking
and ice cream cones
whiskey guilt
of trains
and midnight

all baseball post

First of all, Holliday didn’t touch home plate. But beyond that, I’ll agree with what I heard on XX Sports Radio this morning, that the true turning point of this season was the last home game of the season when Bradley stepped on Cameron’s hand and then got so bent out of shape at the first base ump that he had to be taken down thus tearing his ACL. Now I’m not condoning what the ump said by any means, but Bradley could have handled it better.

The last two games in Milwaukee should have been won by the Padres, especially Saturday’s game. Yet there is something so pure and wholly ‘baseball’ that led to Tony Gwynn Jr’s at bat against Trevor. For him to get the hit that blew Trevor’s save and ultimately lead the Brewers to victory is agonizing yet somehow also how it was supposed to be.

Peavy, though I think he’s a phenomenal player and an all-around great guy, I think he doesn’t test well. At least not yet. But he should still win the National League Cy Young award. He had an incredible career season, and hopefully it will continue in ‘08.

It was a good year overall for the Padres, but it never felt solid. I didn’t always feel confident that they could do it, but deep down I always hoped they would. So now, it’s on to the post-season, and my team is out of it. I’ll have to figure out who I want to root for. I have friends from New England who are die-hard Red Sox fans so that’s a possibility. There’s a wee part of me that would like to see the Cubs overcome their curses. I don’t really care to root for either of the National League west teams. Definitely not rooting for the Yankees. Maybe the Angels or the Phillies.

It’s so curious how caught up people (myself included) can get in sports. I’m not a huge football fan but I keep up with what’s going on with the Chargers. And for lots of years now (not as many as a lot of other folks I know), I’ve followed the Padres. The feelings of sadness, disbelief, anguish, incredulousness, and flat-out depression were nearly overwhelming last night after that lame ’safe’ call at the plate. All I could do was sigh. There was no joy in Mudville.

But I’ll watch the playoffs, I’ll get caught up in the feverish excitement, the drama, the energy. It is baseball, and it’s a cool game. Sure, I wish the Padres could be there, but I’ll look forward to next spring and the season to come.

Thanks for a great year, boys…

thanks, Mom, for the new blog header

On the last Friday of every month, my work does an all employee party. There’s music, food & drinks, executive Q &A. Usually, that’s the extent of it. But this last one had an added component. The CEO announced that due to our recent successes, everyone would receive a new iPod Nano (and I’m talking about the new one that’s in that 1234 commercial that’s on constantly).

I’ve never worked for a company that was so generous. I was floored by it. Mine is silver and is engraved on the back with our logo (though I don’t have Kanye West on mine).

~~

In other news, this weekend was the Adams Avenue Street Fair and it takes place outside our front door. I’m not kidding. There’s a stage set up on the street about 20 feet from the end of our driveway. Every now & then, it would get blocked by the bands who were coming to play on the stage. It’s not too bad, though. Plus, it’s the Roots Rock stage, so the music is usually quite good. Han’s band played yesterday to a great crowd. He & I then walked around a little. I’d already walked around it earlier that morning. What I like the most about it is that people drop by to visit us while they’re around. We had several different friends pop in for a minute to say hi. When we weren’t doing AASF stuff, we were watching baseball. Oh Padres. I want to believe that you want to be in the post-season, but you’re doing everything you can to give it away. How about we beat the Rockies today in our Wild Card tiebreaker ‘play-in’ game?