Meeting Grace: The Blog

It’s my birthday.  As I sit here in the early morning, before anyone else is up, I contemplate the day.  It’s always awkward at work.  I haven’t specifically told my co-workers, though I know that at least a couple people know.  Do I want attention or do I want to just be left alone?  A little of both.  I usually take my birthday off from work to avoid this kind of thing, but I didn’t this year.

Last weekend I went up to my parents’ house to see them and also because my sister and nephew were in town.  On Saturday, my dad & I had a heart-to-heart in the kitchen while the ladies got ready to go to lunch.  It simultaneously breaks my heart and fills it up to know how much both he and my mom love me and want me to be okay. I want it, too.  I realize now that I have always skirted depression, but in earlier years, I chalked it up to artistic melancholy.  It never lasted very long because I was able to bounce back pretty well.  This time it’s just taking a bit longer to bounce back.   It’s a very frustrating place to be when your rational and logical mind knows exactly what you’re supposed to be doing to not feel this way but the rest of you just doesn’t want to cooperate.  I don’t know how better to explain it.  I can tell myself over and over again that in order to feel better I have to do A, B, and C.  It’s a completely different thing to actually do those things.

My mom, sister & I went to Lizarran in Fullerton for tapas which were served up by a Mexican named Raoul.  The food was good for the most part, the best being the bread with tomato and garlic.  The simplest dish was the tastiest and most satisfying.  Now if that’s not a recipe for a life lesson…

After lunch, we came home and each of us drifted off to different things.  Coming together to talk or going off to read or nap.  It was all acceptable.  That’s one reason I love coming home.  I can do absolutely whatever feels right and it’s okay.  I tend to always want to rest or nap when I’m there.

For dinner, I exerted my authority as the early birthday girl and chose to go to El Cholo for some delicious Mexican food.  The service was great and the food was fantastic.  We told them it was my birthday so they came around to clap and sing while I wore a gigantic sombrero.  I also got a free flan that my mom & I shared.  It was tasty.

We were all stuffed so after the requisite photos in front of the restaurant, we headed home.  The rest of the night was TV watching and chatting, reading and falling asleep on various pieces of furniture.

On Sunday morning, we all roused naturally and Dad made chocolate chip waffles plus eggs and potatoes.  So good.  At one point, I went outside to the back yard by myself.  It was a gorgeous morning and the sun was shining brightly.  There was a moment as I stood looking at the garden when things seemed absolutely right.  And more than that, I had a feeling that everything was going to be just fine.  Perhaps a moment of clarity, but I remember feeling completely at peace.  Maybe it was a flash of deja vu, or some kind of time warp of when I lived there in high school and all my adult life lay ahead of me and was full of possibility.  I felt that same kind of easy anticipation, of not knowing what’s to come but knowing it will all work out.

Not long after breakfast, it was time to head back to San Diego by way of the grocery store.  Han was also heading back from Las Vegas around the same time I was leaving.  The drive home was easy, uneventful and we had a nice night.

It was great to be with my family over the weekend.  Sandy is looking amazing as she continues her weight loss journey.  My dad has also joined WW and I wish him great success.  My mom is a sweet soul who only wants the best for me.  Tristan is growing up well.   We’ll see them all again at Christmas (maybe Mom & Dad sooner but I’m not sure).

Now it’s time to get to the day. Tonight the Rock Band is playing at the Belly-Up and I hope some of our friends come out for that and for my birthday.  Here’s hoping for a great day!

I originally wrote this post last Thursday (11/5).  I’m not sure why I didn’t post it then, maybe I thought I’d have time to write more (typical).  But I didn’t so here’s this post.  Things have been very busy.

I went to the doctor this morning. It was not my regular doctor, but I thought she was great and I want to switch to her as my primary.

My blood pressure was fabulous. I’ve lost 4 pounds since my last visit (7 since the summer visit). My leg thing she figures is the IT band tightening and compressing a nerve in my leg. She said she was not concerned by it. She said to stretch every day and to just monitor it. If it gets worse or too irritating, she’ll refer me for physical therapy.

Then we got to the panic attack. I talked for a bit (emotionally so as is my penchant) and we discussed some various options including medication (like Paxil or Zoloft) and therapy. I’m still unsure about medication and she said that she wouldn’t suggest that as an option right now, but to try therapy again. There’s a program through the office there that isn’t covered by insurance but may be affordable. They are going to call me. Then, as I was waiting to have my blood drawn (for a basic metabolic screening to make sure the BP meds aren’t messing with my kidneys), I saw it there in black and white under Diagnoses: hypertension and depression.

I’ve already bombed out on NaBloPoMo, but I’ll try to make it up. Plus I think I have a good reason.

Here’s what happened. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store after work. Actually, both Target and the grocery store because Target is much cheaper on most of the staples. With the time change, it was already dark when I got home. I’ve also been having this strange numbness in my left thigh and it was acting up. There was still dinner to make and work to do. I sat down on the couch for a minute or two, and I felt my heart start pounding, my breathing became irregular and tears came to my eyes. I think I had a small panic attack.

Han sent me to the bedroom immediately to lie down and relax while he made dinner. I recovered quickly and am fine now, but it was weird. I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for Monday, but I just changed it to Thursday. I’ll be sure to bring up all of these occurrences then. Weird.

I got up and ate dinner, watched the baseball game and then I went to sleep around 9:30 pm. Like I said, today I feel fine, but I’m glad I could switch my appointment. So that’s my story of why I didn’t post yesterday.

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I also feel terrible that I didn’t complete all of my “haunted” posts in October. I even had something figured out for all the remaining days! I’ll try to slip them in throughout November, too, because they were good ones!

For Halloween, I was Bellatrix Lastrange from Harry Potter. It was all homemade but it worked. Here’s a group shot from a party I went to. On my left arm that’s extended is the Dark Mark, done in sharpie by one of my co-workers. In my right hand, I’m holding my “wand,” a stick from a tree in our front yard. This photo is also on Facebook if you want to see it bigger.

Okay, so here’s one of the things I was going to post for “haunted” and it fits in with what I did during the day of Halloween. It’s all the ‘reality’ ghost shows that are on: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Lab, Ghost Adventures. During Halloween day, I watched a marathon of Ghost Hunters. I just love it! And a week or two ago, I saw an episode of Ghost Lab from New Orleans that was really cool. They are both basically the same kind of set-up, but I’m a believer and these kinds of shows help validate that!

Until next time.

Much more coming soon…