workshop poem

Sometimes you never remember how or when a poem was written. But I have some in which I know exactly how, why, when, where. As described in the last post, I attended a workshop facilitated by Holly Prado. One of the first exercises was to write about something that happened that morning. I remember my first attempts were easy…a song on the radio, driving…and then she said something about reaching further, beyond the ordinary and I came up with the first strands of poetry that would become what is the poem for today.

Before I’d left to drive up to Orange County for the workshop, I went into Laurel’s room to let her know I was leaving and this is what happened.

The Girl Who Dreamed of Bees
by Lizzie Wann

sunlight swarms into her room
while she presses sleepy hands into her eyes
pushes hair casually from her face
she begins to tell me her dream about bees
comes alive
busily working out the details

faint, soft scent of lemon
rises from her skin
white down comforter
slips from her naked body
I am drawn to the curve
of her hip, smooth as a flower petal
I slide my hand over it

we share these pure moments like honey

she is at the point in the dream
where the bees sting her
they are, of course, also drawn to her
to her sweetness, to her unashamed beauty

she wonders what it all means
but I know that she is like melissae
and they are this goddess’ companions
as she continues to discover
the power of their medicine

I leave her
curved and warm in her bed
my mind still buzzing
with thoughts of her skin

I’m happy to say that Laurel is now married to a great guy named Lee, they have a beautiful boy named Henry and are expecting another baby very soon.  I miss her, but just know that we will always be kindreds, whether we speak every day or just a few times a year.

 

what’s in store

I’ve made a couple updates to two of my other pages.  I changed “Reading…” to “Books” and changed “Listening to…” to “Flicks.”   Check ‘em out if you’re so inclined.

I’ve also taken some time to put together a few lists.  Like my sister, I’m a big list-maker.   So I have a 2009 Goals list, a Mondo Beyondo list of sorts and a Mondo Beyondo travel list.

I didn’t make an MB list last year, though I thought about it.  And the one I created this year may be somewhat tame but I can always revise, add, delete etc.  I give myself permission to let it evolve over time : )  I did feel that I had to split it into two lists, one for overall dreams and one for travel.  The travel one incorporates places that Han has expressed interest in visiting too so it’s a combined list. Now that I think about it, I’ll probably make the MB lists have their very own page.

But first for 2009.  These range from the tangible to the ephemeral. Some may overlap here and there. Stay with me.  I’ll try to elaborate somewhat on the ways in which I would consider the less concrete ones to be successful.

1. Be active and healthy.
It’s no secret that getting up and moving your body makes you feel better.  I’m sad to say that my latest bout of inactivity (all of 2008 pretty much) causes the activity I do engage in to be more painful than pleasant and I’m tired of it.  I can make myself more aware of my body and do the things (big & small) to make it feel better:  walk, drink more water, eat more fruits & veggies, minimize portions, reduce sodas & sweets, stretch.  I’m allowing this goal to be far-reaching in its scope without pigeon-holing it into one specific success point (like a weight loss goal or to join a gym).  If those things come about due to this goal, great.  If not, I am counting on myself to find other ways to support it.

2. Focus on self-care.
Here’s the first instance of overlap.  Self-care goes hand in hand with being healthy.  But for me, this is more than just a health point. In the past, I’ve felt guilty if I took time to read some pages from a book.  I would beat myself up because I thought I should be doing something more productive.  My goal is to move beyond that self-criticism and acknowledge that hey, I love to read.  It soothes me, inspires me and can help change my mood. That’s some important shit!  And ultimately, not only helps me but everyone in my world.  If I’m happier overall, I’m much more likely to be pleasant to be around.  So that’s the point of self-care.  And as I referred to in an earlier post, I want to try to make it less about blocking time for “me” time, but simply incorporating the things that make me smile into the course of my day so it feels more natural and not forced.

3. Read 25 books.
Again with the overlap.  But you see how it fits in.  I would also like that list of 25 to include the entire Harry Potter series since I’ve not read any of them and I’m ready to take them on.

4. Travel.
Han will be going to Texas this spring with his Acoustic Duo and I would love to go along.  I’ve also talked with my sister about possibly meeting up somewhere in the US to take in a ballgame.  And who knows what else?  But this goal is always going to be on my list.

5. Get published outside of San Diego.
Here’s one with some specificity but still broad.  This goal will require some research and some discipline.  I’ve been published outside of SD before but I’m interested in organizing myself to a point where I can easily see that publication list and what poems are off the possibility list.  I’m interested in seeing what’s out there right now.  And I will also say that I will submit for both online & print but for me, print still seems more legitimate, as far as poetry standards.  Maybe that’s just me.

6. Find magic in each day.
Right.  What? This is my attempt to re-connect with my power of observation.  Something that once seemed so keen but has dulled.  This one is very subjective obviously.  It’s a reminder to myself to not get all hung up on the routine of daily living and to notice what’s going on around me.

7. Write.
Simple enough, right? Blog.  Journal.  Poems.  Letters.  Songs.  Emails. I’ve got plenty of words at my disposal.  I want to get familiar with them again.

8. Music business management & growth.
The Acoustic Duo, Rock Band and Studio will all need continued attention this year.  The AC and RB are both releasing albums this year so that will entail a lot of PR work.  The Studio will be launching its revamped website soon, too, and we’ll do some PR around that as well.  Should make for an exciting year!

9. New direction for Meeting Grace.
Since I’m no longer hosting house concerts, my website for the series has languished with inactivity since April.  I don’t want to give up the domain name (it’s up for renewal this month), but I’m not sure what to do with the site.  This goal is probably the one that needs the most immediate attention and the one I have the least idea about.  Any suggestions?

10. See 52 movies I’ve never seen before.
Thus the new “Flicks” page.  I love movies.  Especially good ones.  Since I don’t get much opportunity to actually go out to movies, I’ll rely on cable and the DVR for a majority of this one.  I should stipulate that this means that I watch the whole movie, preferably unedited, from start to finish.  That’s one movie a week.  I think I can do it

That’s it for 2009.  I’m excited about it!

And since this post has gotten long, I’ll just link to the new Mondo Beyondo page for you to check out my big dreams!

 

getting together with an old friend, a dream, and random bits

Today after work, I am heading over to an old friend’s house to help her bake cookies for one of her son’s school activities. This kind of activity is not normally on my agenda. But I’m sincerely trying to make an effort to go outside my comfort zone a bit in order to change my perspective.

I’m really excited to see Michelle and her family. She & I were best friends in 8th grade, then in 9th grade we added Diane to our best friendom making us a trio of friends. As so many women may know, trios don’t always work out and though we had some difficulties in high school, we endured and in fact, all three of us, independent of anyone else’s decision, ended up choosing to go to the same university. For us, it was just confirmation that we were destined to be friends forever.

In college, the ties of friendship were still there but we each pursued our own paths. Diane & I became much closer while Michelle made new friends, joined a sorority, created a new orbit. We drifted apart.

After college, Diane moved to the Bay Area but Michelle and I stayed in San Diego. In a strange coincidence, Michelle took a job teaching at the same school where my friend, Heather, was teaching, and so we were brought together again. I went to her wedding (with Diane). She has two sons now and isn’t a teacher (in fact, that lasted only a year, maybe two).

I sent her an email in April to wish her a happy birthday. She & Diane’s birthdays were a day apart so it was always a fun few days, especially since they sometimes fell during spring break. I was the oldest of the three, born in ‘71, then Michelle in ‘72 and Diane in ‘73 (she was advanced for her age). I didn’t get a response from Michelle and I didn’t think too much about it. [The previous year, I found out, in a Christmas card from her dad and step-mom, that Diane had gotten married. I found it such a strange way to learn such news. Especially since I didn't get a Christmas card from Diane at all. I felt a great sadness because I wasn't sure where things went awry with us. Although we had another mutual friend where things were not working out between me & her, I had always thought that Diane & I were still okay. But somewhere in there, we stopped communicating, and she is lost to me. I do truly miss her friendship. And though this post is about getting together with Michelle, I feel there is no way to mention her without bringing up Diane.]

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I got an email from Michelle, in response to the birthday message I had sent. She had thought she’d sent it sooner, but she found it in her “drafts” folder. After going back & forth, we were able to find a time in our schedules to get together. Michelle has seen me in good times and bad, and it’s with a kind of awe that I realize we’ve known each other for 23 years. I’m really looking forward to seeing her.

So much so that I had a dream last night where she figured prominently in it. We were with a big group of other people, I think we were the age we are now. We were in an old urban area, kind of rundown and we happened upon some basketball courts. She threw me a ball and I went in for a lay-up, something I haven’t done in years. In the dream, it felt natural and awesome.

In the next part of the dream, she was going to drop me off at my car which had my bags in it. I was going to a school but she was the only one who could get me to my car. We were on a bus and the driver knew her but not me and he didn’t like that. She reassured him that it was okay and then the bus dropped us off and she took me to my car.

Here’s where it changes some. Next thing I recall was that in the dream, I was sleeping, but I woke up and was in some kind of ride, like at Disneyland. There was a screen in front of me that kept showing cityscapes and it felt like I was moving, like my bed was on the top deck of a double decker bus. It was completely dark except for the screen which kept scrolling through different city skylines. I remember that in my dream consciousness, I saw the skyline for Chicago and registered that that’s where I was going.

The next thing I knew, I was explaining to Han where I was going to school. It was called the University of Chicago, Depalmier Place. [Before my dream, I don't know that I knew there was such a thing as University of Chicago. But from my googling, there is, though there's nothing about Depalmier Place being associated with UChicago or anything else for that matter]. I recall that I was looking at a brochure which had a layout of what my dorm room would look like. I was getting ready to go into a writing program of some kind. Han looked at the brochure with me for a few minutes, and then finished eating his purple mashed potatoes (WTF?).

~~

In completely unrelated news, my dad has started a blog. Now all of my immediate family have blogs, plus my aunt in Sweden. What a trip, but how cool is that?

~~

NaBloPoMo is coming! Actually, I guess it’s always going, but my sister & I have talked about taking up the post every day in November challenge (which we did last year, too). I’m ready for it!

~~

How about that World Series? I’m rootin’ for the Phillies because of my National League bend but that doesn’t mean I’m rooting against the Rays if you know what I mean. When BJ Upton stole 2nd and then came in to score, I thought it was awesome, especially because of the terrible conditions they were playing in. I guess it’s still raining in Philly so the game won’t be resumed today but it should be a good one when it does!

Until next time!

 

lazy Sunday

I believe it was 11 am when I rolled out of bed this morning.  Wow.  And it’s not like we stayed up real late last night either.  I love sleeping.  I’m quite good at it.  It is what I do when I’m sick or stressed.  It definitely plays a part with how I cope with things. It’s the ultimate in lazy but it’s also restorative.  I truly feel for insomniacs, though at one point, I wished that I was because so many great artists have suffered from insomnia and I thought I was missing out on some level of creativity in myself.  I’ve never been the girl who wakes up to write things down, whether it’s for work or a bolt of creativity.  If my dreams are vivid, I’ll try to write them down the next day.  I dreamt last night, weird weird dreams that involved family and random people.  I woke up crying and had that sense of relief and disbelief wash over me simultaneously.  Dream feelings can feel so real that when you wake it’s sometimes hard to shake the residuals of those feelings.  
~~
The rest of today has been pretty mellow.  Watching football, a trip to the grocery store, doing the dishes.  DK will be coming over tonight (rather than tomorrow after school) so she’ll be here in a little while.  We’ll have dinner and watch TV, it will be good to see her.
~~
Tomorrow negotiations will resume between the WGA and the AMPTP. The strike continues in the meantime.  Go WGA!!

 

and they say global warming isn’t real & other thoughts

All I know is that it’s a little after 6 pm and the temperature here in San Diego is 74 degrees.  Now I know that SD has a great climate but even this is unseasonably warm.  I happen to like it quite a bit though I look forward to getting out the two scarves my mom has made for me when the chill does come in.  It’s usually January & February that are the “colder” months, but I’ll take what we get.
~~
My blog posts are usually multi-topic.  I want to touch on various things usually.  My sister posted her response to the 5 things she wanted to be when she grew up and it made me ponder something about my own list, something that wasn’t on it.  Massage therapist.  The reason I find this fact strange is because I went to school for that very thing.  I have a combination of 500 hours of class and hands-on training to do just that.  And yet, it’s not a dream of mine.  I was startled by this realization earlier today.  The thing is, when I decided to go to school, I was very unhappy in the job I had at the time and I was longing for a way out.  I knew I needed to learn the skills.  It was something I thought I could be good at.  I still think that actually.  I enjoyed being back in class, I excelled at my studies and found the power of touch to be quite fascinating.  But it didn’t consume me.  I couldn’t see the path I would take.  Many of my fellow students talked about their next steps, the national exam, working in a chiropractor’s office or getting additional training to specialize their skills.   It’s a very selfless profession but at the same time you have to be in control of the situation.  One of the things that turned me off  a lot was the fact that here in San Diego, the profession is considered “adult entertainment.”  So in order to get your license, you have to go down to the vice department.  I still cringe at “happy ending” jokes that are made on TV or in movies.   A truly beneficial and viable form of health care is often reduced to a sexual punchline.  Maybe I’m weak, but I didn’t want to take up that fight.  After I completed the coursework, I sent out an email to friends with a short list of treatments and asked if anyone was interested in having me work on them for practice (since I didn’t have my license I couldn’t legally charge).  I got one response.  And I worked on her and it was fine and she was sweet and gave me a tip, but I knew then that I wasn’t going to pursue it much further.  And beyond that, I personally didn’t enjoy receiving massages.  At least not the standard Swedish massage.  I like some of the specialty stuff like feet or body wraps.  So how could I possibly work at something that I myself didn’t love?  I thoroughly respect the work and encourage people to seek it as a method of treatment if it works for them.  It just doesn’t work for everyone, whether it’s the therapist or just you not feeling comfortable.  I work on Han almost every day and it helps him and I enjoy helping him feel better.  I’ve also identified that I really like working on feet (something I also like being done to me).  So maybe somewhere down the road, I can take a reflexology course or other training and maybe specialize in that, but it’s not high on my list.  Part of me feels like I kind of failed since I didn’t follow-through with anything after school was over, but another part of me is kind of proud that I recognized that it wasn’t going to bring the joy or freedom I thought it would.  Sure, I’d be able to work for myself, but not right away and I probably would still have to have a “regular” job.  
~~
In a last thought, I want to send some blog love to the dancing mermaid who is reaching out in her own marvelous way about her current struggles.  I found her recent post to be very brave and honest.  Though I’ve never been diagnosed or considered myself depressed, I can certainly identify with much of what she has to say, as I’m sure a lot of people can.  I feel things deeply and I don’t shy away from them.  I often feel helpless in the face of adversity (my own or someone else’s) and have sometimes felt lost.  I work through it all, in one way or another, and like to think of myself as an optimistic person overall.  My mom has often said that she has no time or need for books or movies that will make her sad and I see her point.  Han is the same way. But I see beauty in these things as well, and feel they can inform a different part of ourselves, can fill a part of our hearts. 

 

dreams

Sometimes kids dress up for Halloween as something that they want to be when they grow up. Sometimes it’s just fantasy or fun. But seeing as how today is Halloween (I’ll post a picture tomorrow probably), I thought it would be a good time to expound on Schmoopy’s meme to list “5 things I want to be when I grow up.” Here are the basics:

What did you dream about doing before everyday life got in the way? Before the “real job” became, well, real. What does your heart long to do? What if fear were taken out of the equation entirely? How would you spend your time here? What did you dream about as a child when you laid upon the soft grass staring up into the clouds, watching all the shapes morph into objects during those lazy days when the concept of possibility was never ending and time seemed as if it would go on forever?

The idea of this meme is to spend some time thinking about this and rediscovering our dreams and then writing about them on your blog as a way to hold on to them, honor them, perhaps even make some of them a reality…

Like lovely Schmoopy, I’ve pondered this a bit and was pleasantly surprised to realize that many of my dreams have happened, in some way or another. So I felt challenged to come up with future dreams or other goals I can aspire to.

1. Florist
Since I was a kid, I have always thought the idea of working with flowers every day would be awesome. In high school, I got a part-time job at Conroy’s helping out during their busy ‘formal dance season.’ I remember that I had to pin the heads of roses so that they stayed upright in the bins. I didn’t hate it and I don’t recall why I didn’t continue to work there. Scheduling maybe? It is still something I think of wistfully.

2. Bookstore/cafe/venue operator
Those are all three combined into one thing in this dream. I even have a name for it, which I will keep to myself. This would be a neighborhood place, maybe in a small to mid-size town where folks could get books, coffee and hear live music. The closest thing I might be able to compare it to is Zandbroz, except I don’t think they do live music. The way I would see this coming to fruition is if I were to take over something already established and then help it continue and flourish.

3. Writer/poet
This dream would be one that is already true for me, but not to the fullest I believe it can be. I make my living writing, though it’s not completely creative. I have had success as a poet in a somewhat limited scope. I would like to be known as a poet, on par with Sharon Olds, Jane Kenyon and Joy Harjo. Part of my goals for ‘08 and beyond is to submit my work and try to get my name out there a bit more. I’ve also tossed around the idea of getting an MFA though I’m still not sold on it. There are residencies and grants and all kinds of things out there that are representative to me of what it means to be a writer/poet. I’m not saying that I’m not a poet now, but I’ve always wanted to fully commit to it.

4. Musician/performing artist
Or as Schmoopy wrote: rock star. As a kid, I pretended to play keyboards and would sing at the top of my lungs. As a spoken word artist, I have had a lot of experience performing and being on stage and I really love it. I’ve also on occasion had the pleasure of singing on stage though it scares the crap out of me. I would like to work on this side of my creative life, though having such extremely talented friends does intimidate me a bit.

5. Win the lottery
What’s funny about this is I never play. But the concept is to achieve independent wealth. Although I don’t believe money brings happiness, it can help make some things possible. It could free up the time I spend working (to earn money) to write, create and play (things that don’t always earn money). It could allow for travel, investment etc.

I’m going to break the rules and add a 6th one that I just thought of.

6. Live/work in Spain
I have family there and for a brief time I was seriously considering moving there for a while to see how it felt. I’ve spent extended periods of time there as a child. I’ve also traveled there as an adult but not with the same luxury of time (see # 5). I love it there, particularly the eastern coast (Costa Brava). I would love for Han & I to spend time there as his style of music is widely popular over there. Ideally, I would be able to combine this one with # 3 and feel completely content.

What a wonderful exercise this turned out to be! Some of these are things I’ve not given much energy too lately but just writing about them has lifted my spirits. If anyone else would like to list their dreams, go for it!

It seems appropriate on this of all days that I might summon these dreams, that I might cast the ideas out to the universe on the eve of Samhain, considered to mark the beginning of a whole new cycle. According to http://www.chalicecentre.net/samhain.htm, it says: “In dark silence comes whisperings of new beginnings, the stirring of the seed below the ground.”

And with this, I have reclaimed my love for this day and what it can represent. I recognize that it was no mistake that I chose to be a witch today. I am tuned in to the magic. Hope you are, too!

click here for an interesting read about Halloween

 

unrested

On Monday night, I tossed and turned and had three very vivid dreams. I wrote them down elsewhere (too muddled to include here), but they involved gunplay with Han (after which I woke up crying), huge dogs, a homeless couple (who owned the dog), a music in Iraq documentary, drunken friends, space shuttles, walking around LA wearing only a towel and Oliver Platt. I know it was nearing a full moon and that there was an eclipse, so maybe my mind was tuned into something quite beyond me because WTF?

Between dreams, I woke up at 3:08 am and thought about going outside to see the eclipse. I didn’t. I was simply too exhausted. When I got home from work yesterday, I felt like a zombie and slightly removed from the goings on around me. Han suggested I go lay down and I did. It was 8:30 pm. I got up once to change the laundry and then promptly went back to bed. Next thing I know it was 11:30 pm and Han was coming to bed. I went to sleep again and woke up again at 3:40 am. What is up with this waking up in the 3 am hour?

I had more dreams last night. One involved me burning some banana bread in the oven and another involved me reading a magazine that was busting on some upcoming Bruce Willis movies. The mag showed about 3 or 4 different stills from some of the movies he’s making. Each still was basically the same scene but they were supposedly from different movies. The magazine was saying how the movie studios should check with each other. And I remember the picture: Bruce Willis is facing the camera, he is on the floor with his back against a dresser, he is more in the background. He has been shot in the chest and is bleeding. In the foreground, a red blanket is laid out. In one picture it has silverware wrapped in napkins placed on it, as if a picnic is about to take place. In another picture, there are cowboy boots and sandals scattered on the blanket. That’s the only two I remember studying. Weird.

~~

In many of the other blogs I read, there is a sense of change. Many of these blog owners happen to be teachers or moms, so they are returning to work after a summer off or their kids are going back to school. In a way, I am jealous of this mark of time they have in their lives, the sense of something ending, something else beginning. And as I write this, I realize that I too have this to a degree as DK prepares to go back to school next week. Starting 5th grade at a new school. But I am somehow slightly removed from it.

And for my own daily routine, there is no difference from summer to fall. The weather changes slightly. Baseball winds down. But it’s been a good summer. And I’ll dedicate my next few posts to re-counting stuff I did.