38

It’s my birthday.  As I sit here in the early morning, before anyone else is up, I contemplate the day.  It’s always awkward at work.  I haven’t specifically told my co-workers, though I know that at least a couple people know.  Do I want attention or do I want to just be left alone?  A little of both.  I usually take my birthday off from work to avoid this kind of thing, but I didn’t this year.

Last weekend I went up to my parents’ house to see them and also because my sister and nephew were in town.  On Saturday, my dad & I had a heart-to-heart in the kitchen while the ladies got ready to go to lunch.  It simultaneously breaks my heart and fills it up to know how much both he and my mom love me and want me to be okay. I want it, too.  I realize now that I have always skirted depression, but in earlier years, I chalked it up to artistic melancholy.  It never lasted very long because I was able to bounce back pretty well.  This time it’s just taking a bit longer to bounce back.   It’s a very frustrating place to be when your rational and logical mind knows exactly what you’re supposed to be doing to not feel this way but the rest of you just doesn’t want to cooperate.  I don’t know how better to explain it.  I can tell myself over and over again that in order to feel better I have to do A, B, and C.  It’s a completely different thing to actually do those things.

My mom, sister & I went to Lizarran in Fullerton for tapas which were served up by a Mexican named Raoul.  The food was good for the most part, the best being the bread with tomato and garlic.  The simplest dish was the tastiest and most satisfying.  Now if that’s not a recipe for a life lesson…

After lunch, we came home and each of us drifted off to different things.  Coming together to talk or going off to read or nap.  It was all acceptable.  That’s one reason I love coming home.  I can do absolutely whatever feels right and it’s okay.  I tend to always want to rest or nap when I’m there.

For dinner, I exerted my authority as the early birthday girl and chose to go to El Cholo for some delicious Mexican food.  The service was great and the food was fantastic.  We told them it was my birthday so they came around to clap and sing while I wore a gigantic sombrero.  I also got a free flan that my mom & I shared.  It was tasty.

We were all stuffed so after the requisite photos in front of the restaurant, we headed home.  The rest of the night was TV watching and chatting, reading and falling asleep on various pieces of furniture.

On Sunday morning, we all roused naturally and Dad made chocolate chip waffles plus eggs and potatoes.  So good.  At one point, I went outside to the back yard by myself.  It was a gorgeous morning and the sun was shining brightly.  There was a moment as I stood looking at the garden when things seemed absolutely right.  And more than that, I had a feeling that everything was going to be just fine.  Perhaps a moment of clarity, but I remember feeling completely at peace.  Maybe it was a flash of deja vu, or some kind of time warp of when I lived there in high school and all my adult life lay ahead of me and was full of possibility.  I felt that same kind of easy anticipation, of not knowing what’s to come but knowing it will all work out.

Not long after breakfast, it was time to head back to San Diego by way of the grocery store.  Han was also heading back from Las Vegas around the same time I was leaving.  The drive home was easy, uneventful and we had a nice night.

It was great to be with my family over the weekend.  Sandy is looking amazing as she continues her weight loss journey.  My dad has also joined WW and I wish him great success.  My mom is a sweet soul who only wants the best for me.  Tristan is growing up well.   We’ll see them all again at Christmas (maybe Mom & Dad sooner but I’m not sure).

Now it’s time to get to the day. Tonight the Rock Band is playing at the Belly-Up and I hope some of our friends come out for that and for my birthday.  Here’s hoping for a great day!

 

diagnosed

I originally wrote this post last Thursday (11/5).  I’m not sure why I didn’t post it then, maybe I thought I’d have time to write more (typical).  But I didn’t so here’s this post.  Things have been very busy.

I went to the doctor this morning. It was not my regular doctor, but I thought she was great and I want to switch to her as my primary.

My blood pressure was fabulous. I’ve lost 4 pounds since my last visit (7 since the summer visit). My leg thing she figures is the IT band tightening and compressing a nerve in my leg. She said she was not concerned by it. She said to stretch every day and to just monitor it. If it gets worse or too irritating, she’ll refer me for physical therapy.

Then we got to the panic attack. I talked for a bit (emotionally so as is my penchant) and we discussed some various options including medication (like Paxil or Zoloft) and therapy. I’m still unsure about medication and she said that she wouldn’t suggest that as an option right now, but to try therapy again. There’s a program through the office there that isn’t covered by insurance but may be affordable. They are going to call me. Then, as I was waiting to have my blood drawn (for a basic metabolic screening to make sure the BP meds aren’t messing with my kidneys), I saw it there in black and white under Diagnoses: hypertension and depression.

 

darn it all

I’ve already bombed out on NaBloPoMo, but I’ll try to make it up. Plus I think I have a good reason.

Here’s what happened. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store after work. Actually, both Target and the grocery store because Target is much cheaper on most of the staples. With the time change, it was already dark when I got home. I’ve also been having this strange numbness in my left thigh and it was acting up. There was still dinner to make and work to do. I sat down on the couch for a minute or two, and I felt my heart start pounding, my breathing became irregular and tears came to my eyes. I think I had a small panic attack.

Han sent me to the bedroom immediately to lie down and relax while he made dinner. I recovered quickly and am fine now, but it was weird. I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for Monday, but I just changed it to Thursday. I’ll be sure to bring up all of these occurrences then. Weird.

I got up and ate dinner, watched the baseball game and then I went to sleep around 9:30 pm. Like I said, today I feel fine, but I’m glad I could switch my appointment. So that’s my story of why I didn’t post yesterday.

~~~

I also feel terrible that I didn’t complete all of my “haunted” posts in October. I even had something figured out for all the remaining days! I’ll try to slip them in throughout November, too, because they were good ones!

For Halloween, I was Bellatrix Lastrange from Harry Potter. It was all homemade but it worked. Here’s a group shot from a party I went to. On my left arm that’s extended is the Dark Mark, done in sharpie by one of my co-workers. In my right hand, I’m holding my “wand,” a stick from a tree in our front yard. This photo is also on Facebook if you want to see it bigger.

Okay, so here’s one of the things I was going to post for “haunted” and it fits in with what I did during the day of Halloween. It’s all the ‘reality’ ghost shows that are on: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Lab, Ghost Adventures. During Halloween day, I watched a marathon of Ghost Hunters. I just love it! And a week or two ago, I saw an episode of Ghost Lab from New Orleans that was really cool. They are both basically the same kind of set-up, but I’m a believer and these kinds of shows help validate that!

Until next time.

 

haunted #7-11

# 7

Ghost in this House
written by: Hugh Prestwood
performed by Alison Krauss: video here

I don’t pick up the mail
I don’t pick up the phone
I don’t answer the door
I’d just as soon be alone
I don’t keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I don’t live in these rooms
I just rattle around

I’m just a ghost in this house
I’m just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls
I’m just a whisper of smoke
I’m all that’s left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I’m just a ghost in this house

I don’t care if it rains
I don’t care if it’s clear
I don’t mind staying in
There’s another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
And he lays down his head
On your pillow at night

I’m just a ghost in this house
I’m just a shadow upon these walls
I’m living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I’m just a whisper of smoke
I’m all that’s left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
And took my body and soul
I’m just a ghost in this house
Oh, I’m just a ghost in this house

~~~~

# 8

Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Ghost Stories

~~~~

# 9

Baseball playoffs

Baseball is full of superstition, and sometimes it’s hard not to imagine that the ghosts of baseball past are influencing things just a bit. The other night I was watching game 2 of the Yankees/Twins games and A-Rod hit the 2-run shot in the bottom of the ninth to tie it, followed by Teixeira’s walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 11th. I don’t know if it was that game or the Dodgers/Cardinals game when the Dodgers made an amazing comeback to win, but one of the TV commentators made a reference to the ghosts having their way.

~~~~

#10

Ghost
written by: Emily Saliers
performed by: The Indigo Girls

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

~~~~

#11

Found this excellent re-cap of all of the Brady Bunch episodes that featured hauntings and other trickery.

 

haunted # 5 & # 6 – tattoo and a song

# 5

I have a tattoo.

It’s a feather pen & ink-pot that was drawn for me by a friend in college. I got the ink during a spring break trip to Seattle with 4 of my closest friends at the time, though I can’t remember if it was my junior or sophomore year. All but one of us got tattoos that day, different designs, though I believe we got them all in the same location on our bodies. I’ve never regretted getting my tattoo. It is a symbol of who I’ve always been, who I always will be, in some ethereal way or other, even if it’s a state of mind. They say that once you get one, it won’t be long until you get others. That was true for the other 2 girls who went on to get more ink, though I’m not sure about the guy. As for me, I never really thought about getting another one. I had a design in mind, but it wasn’t as compelling to me.

I’ve been reconsidering that lately after two things happened.

First: I got a comment on an old post from February, 2008. The commenter was very nice and had been captivated, so to speak, by not only the passage from Divisadero that I posted, but also the last lines of the poem I’d posted to go with it. Fittingly enough for this post, the poem is called ‘to a ghost.’ In the passage from the book, the last line is: “So we fall in love with ghosts.” And the last lines of my poem are: “let us stand together/each with skin/harboring our ghosts.” The comment (thanks, Julie!) was just great, one of those kinds of comments every blogger wants, where you realize that something you’ve written has connected with someone out there. Someone you don’t know and probably never will outside of the words that have been shared. She wrote: “I stumbled across your blog and instantly my brain went ! when I saw the quote you posted from Divisadero. It’s one of my all time favorite passages from a novel-so much so that I have ‘So we fall in love with ghosts.’ tattooed on me.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that your poem is incredible and I’ve had the last three lines running through my mind since I’ve read it, as I often think about people as ghosts and the ways in which we haunt each other.” Wow, right?

So I was intrigued by the idea of actually having a tattoo that was words. I’m sure that sounds dumb, people get words tattooed all the time, but I usually just think of people’s names or gang affiliations.

Second: Then I saw these two posts from Molly (one, two). And I was blown away. What an amazing idea! I immediately started thinking of the possibility of adding words to my body. And though I’m thoroughly intrigued by the layering effect that Molly’s tattoo has, I think I’d want to be able to read the words, and have others be able to read the words should it be visible to them.

This idea will not see fruition for a while for several reasons, but the primary one being that I really need to know what I want to be inked on my skin permanently. There are candidates, of course, already but I think it will be a fun thing to think about for a while.

~~~~

#6

The Ghost in You
written by: John Ashton, Richard Butler, Tim Butler
originally performed by: The Psychedelic Furs

a man in my shoes runs a light and
all the papers lied tonight but
falling over you is the news of the day

angels fall like rain
and love is all of heaven away

inside you the time moves and she don’t fade
the ghost in you she don’t fade
inside you the time moves and she don’t fade

a race is on, I’m on your side and
hearing you my engines die
i’m in a mood for you for running away

stars come down in you
and love…you can’t give it away

inside you the time moves and she don’t fade
the ghost in you she don’t fade
inside you the time moves and she don’t fade

don’t you go it makes no sense when
all your talking supermen just
take away the time and get in the way

ain’t it just like rain
and love…is only heaven away

inside you the time moves and she don’t fade
the ghost in you she don’t fade
inside you the time moves and she don’t fade

 

haunted # 1, 2 & 3 – introduction & two poems

# 1

The NaBloPoMo theme for October is “haunted.” I love this theme and all of its connotations.

Of course I meant to post on Thursday and on Friday, but on Thursday I was working on grading papers for an online class that I TA and last night, well, last night, I took a night off from the computer. Han & I caught up on a bunch of the TV shows we recorded (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Office,” etc).

I love October. Last night, there were small drops of rain and the sky was a symphony of clouds. Overlapping swaths of grey and white, reaching to the ocean that was infused with light as the sun went down. While driving home from work, I saw a fat rainbow out one side while my arm perched on the open window of my truck, sweet cool air streaming in. These kinds of moments remind me of the possibilities of life. They make me think of one word: opportunity. It just seems like there’s so much out there just waiting to be done, taken, discovered. It’s hope.

October is a contradiction to me because there’s that feeling of hope, some strange recipe of changing weather and light, but there’s also a feeling of darkness. The presence of ghosts and spirits, the awareness of other worlds. It’s magical and sometimes spooky, but for me, there’s a kind of reverence. I don’t know if that quite sounds the way I mean it to, it’s just that I have always been fascinated by the idea of spirits and feeling the presence of something else, and especially at this time of year, there’s context for it.

For me, haunting is like a mystery. It’s not sinister or evil. It’s shadows and secrets, it’s discovery and understanding. It’s comfort and forgiveness.

~~~~

#2

Phantoms & Flights

my life is strikingly devoid of phantoms
there’s a ghost in the house across the street
but she doesn’t bother me
I say “she” because it seems to be a neighborhood of women
who live long
who outlive their lovers
who fold sheets by themselves in their living rooms
who sing softly to the shadows
and sit barefoot on their porches

she is a quiet ghost
picks up her paper in the mornings
turns off her light at night
she doesn’t care to share her ghostliness with any of us
the planes never stop coming down
in the distance they remind me of thunder
as they near, they change to long deep moaning,
a suffering like the last body-wracking sobs of a breakdown
the volume of approach consumes the sky
screams of deliverance
birth and crossing over
in flight

I wait & listen for any phantoms to echo
but none do
she, across the street, remains quiet
as if she has no obligation to answer
does not even notice it anymore

- Lizzie Wann (2001)

~~~~

#3

Dead Land

I stand between quiet & silence
listen to gentle after-rain songs through leaves
smell movement of October air
& innocent clouds
grey with their guilty rain
like my hair that blows down into my face
with more grey than ever before
I see it plainly now
in wisps that hang to left & right

there are no promises here
only tributes to circles

morning becomes night becomes morning
becomes my wish
to be in Wyoming near the fire
swimming still in the Milky Way
without a savior
and knowing souls

- Lizzie Wann (1998)

 

somewhat restorative weekend, US Open & Harry Potter

I finally started the 7th book in the Harry Potter series.  The reason I waited a bit between reading the book and seeing the 6th movie was because I had a feeling I would get really sucked in.  And that’s exactly what happened.  I think I started it on Saturday and I’m nearly 3/4 done already.  I just couldn’t put it down.  It was even a weighty decision tonight whether to post something here or dive back in with Harry so close to finding another Horcrux.

That’s what I did all weekend.  Most of it.  Friday night, we ate a nice dinner (I made cashew chicken).  Saturday, we met with a woman who’s helping to promote a show later this month.  After that, I was reading and had the US Open constantly.  How about that Melanie Oudin?  I like that girl.  Good for her.  Saturday night, Han had a gig but I stayed home and continued reading and watching and just being mellow.

Sunday morning, the Acoustic Duo were on a local morning TV show to promote the upcoming San Diego Music Awards (Thursday!).  Both the Acoustic Duo AND the Rock Band are nominated for Best Album (Americana/Country for AD and Rock for RB) for their respective albums that we released earlier this year.  Plus a bunch of folks that Han produced are nominated, too.  It’s usually a fun, kind of weird night.  No one knows whether to take it too seriously or to just blow it off, but I think everyone secretly wants to win, for whatever reason.  I know I wanted to win when I was nominated way back when for Best Local Recording for my first CD (another Han production, his first actually).   Anyway, so Sunday was the TV spot, then it was home for a bit.  I went grocery shopping and Han had a session.  I had loftily thought I would make it up to Escondido to go to my dear friend Robt’s reading, but it was not in the cards.

That evening, I put forth the effort to recreate a recipe that our dear Louisiana friend once made for us: sweet smothered pork chops.  It came out pretty good, so I was pleased with it.

And Monday…a day off.  Slept in a bit, kept reading, more tennis.  Except, another weird health issue, so to speak.  My nose really hurt.  Like I’d been punched in the face (but I hadn’t been).  Tenderness across the bridge of the nose, and very sensitive should I “crinkle” my nose.   Monday was not the first day of this, it’d been like that for a couple days and it’s happened before, but on Monday, the weather changed, and with it came multiple sneezes and lots of congestion for me.  With a tender nose, this was not good times.   I took ibuprofen, I called the doctor (who said to take ibuprofen and an allergy pill).  I even tried the neti pot.  There was some relief but with the nose pain and the congestion, plus I took the one heavy duty allergy pill I had left, I wasn’t doing anything or going anywhere.  We’d been invited to Cathryn’s for a bbq.  Han went with DK.  I stayed on the couch.  I dozed heavily between chapters and matches.

On the one hand, it really sucked to feel laid up a bit.  But on the other hand, I relished it.  I didn’t email, I didn’t work, I didn’t busy myself.  That alone made it a good weekend.  I also tried to be really conscious of what I ate and drank.  Lots of water and single, smaller portions of whatever I was eating.  Han & I also talked about trying to walk every afternoon when I get home from work.  Small steps.

Today was DK’s first day of 7th grade at her new performing arts school.  She was not thrilled with all the rules and regulations that took up all of the class time, but her classes include theater, dance, English, world history, etc.  It’ll be good.

Han is up at another studio tonight working with a client on some piano tracks ’til late tonight.  Rafael Nadal just beat Monfils.  It may be time to get in a chapter or two (or five or six) and then answer some emails and do some other tasks for the music stuff.   Bona nit!

 

tropical depression

It’s a funny term, I think.  It describes weather and yet, it’s a bit how I’m feeling tonight.  And while I was going to write about that, just writing this got me thinking…why are tropical storms and hurricanes given regular names, like expecting parents agonizing over what to name their newborn?

Did you know that the really bad hurricanes have their names retired for at least 10 years?  No more Katrina, or Rita, or Agnes, Carol or Stan.  And why were the hurricanes, until 1979, always named after women?  In 2005, there were more storms than there were designated names so they resorted to using the Greek alphabet for the last 6 storms that year.

I will give them credit for using names with international flair: Gustav, Paloma, Sebastien, Olga.

Right now, it’s Hurricane Jimena (downgraded to mere tropical storm) that’s wreaking havoc with our San Diego weather.  On the coast, now at 10 past 10 in the evening, it’s still almost 80 degrees and muggy.  If you can be still and sit in front of a fan, you should be fine.

I’m ready for crisp mornings and clear skies, light, breezy evenings that soothe my stirred up mind.

I have days when I wonder if there will ever be a lift, if I will ever not be worried about something, if I will figure out a way to get ahead of things.

I hope that, like Jimena, these thoughts will blow through, leaving my mind more clear and willing to peek out from its wind-torn shelter.

 

welcome to September…

…and a heat wave, Los Angeles on fire, pinky toe bone healing, school doors yawning open to accept summer-worn kids, recession, Chula Vista Park View Little League (Han’s childhood team) winning the Little League World Series, morning fog on the coast, waiting for state funding to fix my truck so it will pass its smog test, misconceptions righted, new wildflowers to look at because of a turn of a calendar page, looking ahead to the holidays, thinking of B in Austin, thinking of Lo nearby, successful trips for Han’s Acoustic Duo, upcoming work trip for me to Colorado, making dinners with DK, reading, relaxing, working with a health coach, reducing my Coca-Cola intake, seeing an old friend, getting a postcard from another one, becoming more okay with facebook, thinking of big dreams and small details, dreaming of a vacation, work, play, laugh, live.

 

more pain – a broken toe! (and other news)

So August has not been my best month physically.  I’m over the rib pain as described in the last post, but then yesterday morning, as I was getting ready for work, I stubbed my left pinky toe on the coffee table in the living room.  No big deal, right?  Wrong.  As I made my way to work, I realized that the toe just wasn’t feeling right.  Then, when I looked at it, it was swollen and had started bruising.

I emailed my sister who I knew had suffered a broken toe before (I learned later that she’s broken a toe three different times!) She was a very knowledgeable toe nurse.  She said to get some first aid tape, take some ibuprofen, elevate it.  But I was at work.  No tape in the first aid kit.  I made a makeshift ice pack and tried to elevate as much as I could at my desk.  It really hurt to walk, and I found that I had to turn my left foot sideways a bit thus making my walk look much like Igor’s, kind of a stride/drag/shuffle kind of thing.

I called my doctor’s office and they said they would have a nurse call me.  I left work around 2pm, because my foot was throbbing and I just needed to take care of it.  I also had to hit the grocery store as there was zero food in the house and the two other residents were returning that evening.   It took me about 45 minutes in the grocery store, pathetic.  It did include a call to my sister for advice on the kind of tape I was supposed to get (when I learned of the 3 broken toes she’s suffered).

I made my way home, put away the groceries, “buddy-taped” my toe,  and sat down to try to get a little work done, but my work laptop couldn’t connect to the network.  Then, I had to handle something with regard to DK’s return trip from Seattle.  I decided to nap for 20 minutes from 5-5:20pm and then be up for my 5:30 call with the health coach and then the 6pm arrival of Han.

When I woke up, I quickly checked Han’s flight to find out that his plane was arriving at that moment!  I shuffled to the car just as my health coach called.  We rescheduled for Wednesday, so that’s good.  Han arrived and it was all good.  The Acoustic Duo’s trip to the midwest was a great success with no major hiccups.   We relaxed at home and slowly as the night wore on, my toe just throbbed.

DK was dropped off by her mom around 10 pm and we heard about her trip for while.  It was nice to have everyone home.  But by 11 pm, I knew it was time for a vicodin and sleep.

~

While Han was gone, I spent a lot of time at home on my own.  I started on my volunteer work doing preliminary reading of 40 poems to evaluate them and provide my recommendations as to whether or not they be included in an upcoming anthology.  I read some of my current books.  I watched the premieres of two of my favorite shows (Top Chef and Project Runway).  I went to a work function on Friday (pre-party and Pades game) which was fun, though I made my way home after the 5th inning.  I napped.  I did some Acoustic Duo work and some Rock Band work.   I ate pasta.

On Sunday, I went up to my folks’ house as they were hosting a little get-together for my aunt & her husband’s 40th wedding anniversary.  They would be there as well as my other aunt and uncle (my dad’s sibs), my cousin and his wife and kid, and my other cousin and his companion.   It was a tough transportation day as it was hot, congested, and then I got stuck behind a stopped train for a while which made me irritable.  When I finally detoured, there was a car crash in the intersection I needed to cross so had to make another detour.  I arrived only about 15 minutes ahead of the other guests, sweaty and with a headache that never quite went away all afternoon.

My parents are remodeling their kitchen, so I was even more impressed that they offered to host since they had no functioning appliances (other than the refrigerator, temporarily located in the dining room).  But still they pulled off a nice gathering, croissant sandwiches, potato salad, regular salad, California rolls.  And a gigantic cake.  It seems like everyone had a nice time.

The drive home was better, no stoppages or accidents.  I finished up some laundry, did a little reading, and some other tasks then hit the sack, not knowing what awaited my toe the very next morning.