diagnosed

I originally wrote this post last Thursday (11/5).  I’m not sure why I didn’t post it then, maybe I thought I’d have time to write more (typical).  But I didn’t so here’s this post.  Things have been very busy.

I went to the doctor this morning. It was not my regular doctor, but I thought she was great and I want to switch to her as my primary.

My blood pressure was fabulous. I’ve lost 4 pounds since my last visit (7 since the summer visit). My leg thing she figures is the IT band tightening and compressing a nerve in my leg. She said she was not concerned by it. She said to stretch every day and to just monitor it. If it gets worse or too irritating, she’ll refer me for physical therapy.

Then we got to the panic attack. I talked for a bit (emotionally so as is my penchant) and we discussed some various options including medication (like Paxil or Zoloft) and therapy. I’m still unsure about medication and she said that she wouldn’t suggest that as an option right now, but to try therapy again. There’s a program through the office there that isn’t covered by insurance but may be affordable. They are going to call me. Then, as I was waiting to have my blood drawn (for a basic metabolic screening to make sure the BP meds aren’t messing with my kidneys), I saw it there in black and white under Diagnoses: hypertension and depression.

 

pacing the cage

“Pacing the Cage came pretty quick, unlike some of these other ones that, where ideas sat around for a long time. I had remarked to the person that I was with at the time, um, not in reference to being ‘with’ her but with reference [laughs] to my life in general that I felt like I was pacing the cage. I was just, I mean there was a lot about the way I was living at the time that just wasn’t working and I was really feeling that and that’s pretty much the song. You know, I don’t think those feelings were unique to me, or unique to that time and place, they’re, they’re feelings that everybody, I think, well as its says in the song: sooner or later it’s going to get ya. Um, hopefully not for long and not often, you know but….”

- Bruce Cockburn – from “Songwriting (part 2)” workshop, Conference ‘98 Festival of Faith and Writing, Lab Theatre, Calvin College. 4 April 1998.

Pacing the Cage

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it’s pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I’ve proven who I am so many times
The magnetic strip’s worn thin
And each time I was someone else
And every one was taken in
Powers chatter in high places
Stir up eddies in the dust of rage
Set me to pacing the cage

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It’s as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you’ll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can’t see what’s round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage
Pacing the cage

 

feast or famine

Since I posted almost every day in April, I thought that maybe I could not post at all in May…not really, it’s just nearly turned out that way. Sorry. Things have been a little hectic around here, with very little chance of smoothing out any time soon.

Honestly, this month has been very trying for me. Emotionally, financially, and physically.

All month I have felt completely overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do. Having a natural tendency toward laziness while at the same time a vigorous work ethic, I have been at odds with myself, spreading myself very thin and some people in my life have suffered the consequences. What’s worse is that I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I mean I think I know all the ways that are supposed to work, but finding joy seems like a task unto itself. I am loaded on stress, whether it’s my job, the household, the music stuff, there seems to be very little respite. My mood swings have been dazzling and kind of scary.

The downturn in the economy has touched us and that’s never a good feeling. We are doing our best and have received some much appreciated help. I can only try my best to help get the ship righted a bit. See above re: stress.

And physically…I developed bursitis in my right shoulder. I actually went to the doctor (not my first choice usually) and was prescribed some strong anti-inflammatory medication. It seems to be working quite well.

All of this is not to say that I haven’t had some good days and good news this month:
- I spent some great quality time with my mom & dad at the beginning of the month and then just with my mom on Mother’s Day. That was seriously a fabulous day.
- I randomly headed down to Elevated where I witnessed how the little seed I helped to plant in the poetry scene some ten years ago has blossomed. I must say it was the strangest feeling sitting there, listening to these voices and knowing that I helped make it happen, and knowing that almost no one in the room knew who I was. That may sound sad, but it wasn’t. It was cool. And I did talk with a couple of the organizers (Ant Black and Christopher Wilson) who were very kind. I did read, too, and that is always a thrill.
- We pulled off successful back-to-back performances (as well as a show up in LA) to celebrate the release of the Acoustic Duo’s CD . The CD is being very well-received by the masses. They are traveling to Texas this weekend to perform at a huge festival that’s sure to further fuel the fire.
- DK landed a part in the Junior Theater production of Mulan Jr. which is very exciting. The show opens on June 26 and runs until July 12. We already have our tickets for opening and closing night and we’ll probably go to another show in between.
- I’ve kept up my reading (new books updated on my books page)
- We went to see “Angels & Demons” (I’m in serious need of bulking up my Flicks list)

So there’s good stuff. As my sister said, “You’ve got to punch a fun ticket every now and then.” And she’s right.

But what worries me is not seeming to be able to sustain the good mood, the happy attitude. What worries me is that I seem incapable of relaxing. I mean WTF? I mostly feel tired, jagged, coarse. Even when I try to plan relaxing things, I’m telling myself, “Okay, now is the time scheduled for relaxing.” That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

I usually am not this forthcoming about my personal well-being or state of mind on this blog. But I figure, the people I know who read this with any regularity are people who love me and who would want to know what’s going on with me, right?

So what’s ahead?
- Fast approaching is the release of the Rock Band’s CD (June 21) and there is a flurry of activity that accompanies such a thing. Many details that must be attended to.
- I have a reading on the 24th. A publication party for another anthology I was lucky enough to be selected for. It’s in National City which is kind of a drag, but I’ll get to see some friends (Robt!) who I haven’t seen in forever.
- Continued promotion and planning for Acoustic Duo and Rock Band gigs.
- Hopefully a pedicure if I can get the darn thing scheduled.
- and summer…I don’t know if I’ve looked forward to a season more than I am doing this year. I need the sun to soothe this stress and anxiety I have.

Sorry for the period of famine with regard to my posting. Here’s to more feasting.

 

goodbye 2008

So this year sucked in a lot of ways. Every year always has its ups and downs but this year seemed like every time there was an up, the down was like a swift kick in the gut followed by a pummeling that left me exhausted for weeks.

As so many other blogs are doing (and why wouldn’t they), there are various re-caps, summing ups and favorites lists to send 2008 on its way. I will not deviate from that much, but I’ll first give my thoughts on some things I’m thinking about as the new year is but hours away for me.

My sister already has her “resolutions” in place. I put that word in quotations only because it’s become such a cliche. They are goals, things to look forward to, simple accomplishments and major ideas. As she said, “I have everything from “Eat at the Red Iguana” to “end the year lighter than I started it.”” I have not yet committed anything to paper or planner or blog, but the overall sense I have for 2009 in relation to making it a good year is self care. (did you see that, Mom?) I want to be more aware of the ways I can take care of myself so that I can be more joyous, more free, more loving, etc. These things, like so much in life, are big and small. A pedicure, a walk, a guilt-free day of reading, a movie, health…

There are other thoughts I have for ‘09 but that is the one that has been resonating the most these last few days. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have not fully committed to that concept this year, as much as I thought I was at some points. I need to find a way to integrate it into my daily life so that it’s not just about “me” time, but a shift in how I tackle all of my tasks. This realization has been slow-coming but, if successful, will help align a lot of things that frequently seem out of whack.

So on to the ‘08 re-cap. And speaking of “resolutions”, let’s look back at what I envisioned for this year:

1. Reduce my impact on the earth.
2. Read 20-25 books.
3. Get back to my poetry roots.
4. Better prepare for the holidays.
5. Take a couple trips.
6. Release “Best of Meeting Grace” volume 2
7. Acoustic Duo goals:
- book and route tours of TX, NoCal, Northwest and midwest
- book locally
- help coordinate recording of 5th studio album

8. Rock band goals:
- work to increase visibility of band
- help coordinate recording of 1st album
- book locally and potentially regionally

9. Studio goals:
- develop word of mouth campaign to attract new clients

# 1 (Reduce my impact on the earth.) was not as successful as I’d hoped. I do remember to take my own bags to the grocery stores if I’m planning a shopping trip, but the impromptu trips after work were not as “green” as I’d hoped. I also did not lose any weight, but instead probably gained some.

I got very close to accomplishing goal # 2 (Read 20-25 books.) I read 19 books this year which I’m thrilled about. I finished both books I was reading (The Story of Edgar Sawtelle and The Almost Moon) on Monday and thought I could speed-read one more to make my goal but it’s not going to happen. Still, I loved this reading goal and it will make a return appearance for ‘09.

Goal # 3 (Get back to my poetry roots.) started out strong. I had some readings this year, I wrote some new work, and I was published a couple times. All of that in itself is really great and I’m proud of it, but I guess compared to my more prolific “early” years, I may have been a bit too far-reaching in this goal. I need to understand that my place in and my stamina for the poetry scene I once flourished in is a journey that’s come to a close. That is not to say my writing is finished or anything, but I just need to shape it into something else. Maybe it’s not about attending readings, maybe it’s about being published more and finding a new connection to other poets who are out there. I have some ideas about this one as well for ‘09. Stay tuned.

I think I did pretty good with goal # 4 (Better prepare for the holidays.) Throughout the year I kept a list of gift ideas and a wish list (sometimes they overlapped). I also completed a homemade poem-a-month calendar (limited edition) for my immediate family which had been a goal of mine in ‘07 that crashed & burned. The CD we did for our family and friends was also really fun and very well-received. My shopping was done by early December and I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I will admit that I never felt the Christmas spirit and I’m sad about that. That is not to say I was unhappy or ungrateful, but there is just something in the season that I usually always feel and this year it did not shine through. This was another good goal and I bet I can improve on it for ‘09.

# 5 (Take a couple trips.) was accomplished. I heart traveling and wish I had the disposable income to back it up as much as I would like. And although some of the trips we thought we’d take at the beginning of the year didn’t actually happen, the fates still played roles in taking me (and sometimes Han & DK) to some interesting locations. Places I went in 2008:

- Las Vegas (June)
- Julian (June)
- Mansfield, Missouri (July)
- Clinton, Iowa (October)
- Redding, CA (November)
- Chico, CA (November)
- San Francisco, CA (November)
- various trips to LA over the year

It looks like there will be Texas, at least, in 2009, and maybe (hopefully) more.

# 6 (Release “Best of Meeting Grace” volume 2) was accomplished and with it came the close of Meeting Grace itself, the house concert series I had started in 2000. I miss it in some ways, but don’t in a lot of others. The compilation CD is awesome and I’m so glad to have the memories that each performance brings.

The Acoustic Duo goals for # 7 were mostly accomplished. They toured in the midwest and NorCal and made appearances at conferences in Texas and Arizona that will help boost their schedule in ‘09. Their local bookings all were great and they are still at work on that 5th album. It will be a high priority in early ‘09.

The Rock Band goals for # 8 were general and thus more “easy.” They played regularly in town, but LA is still a tough nut to crack. They are also still in the process of recording that first album which will make ‘09 a year for release parties and hopefully some good press.

# 9’s studio goals was solitary as it is a work in progress. The name changed and a new website is in the works. Clients have been steady and should only continue as Han continues to produce amazing sounding records. All of the music business goals will remain in place with hopes to be more strategic and prepare sooner for 2010, especially with regard to the Acoustic Duo.

And that’s that. Of course, aside from the goals I set for myself, there were some other happenings (minor & major) of 2008 in my small world.

- we staged two large Acoustic Duo shows with 350+ at each (February & August)
- I volunteered as a community reader at an elementary school in Chula Vista (February)
- hosted last Meeting Grace show (March)
- we moved (April)
- Rob & Paulette’s wedding (April)
- new babies for Laurel & Lee (April), Devon & Anna (July) & Rob & Paulette (September)
- hosted a fundraiser benefit show for Eric Lowen of Lowen & Navarro who has ALS that raised over $2,000 (April)
- all the family (including Mia) visit (April)
- Junior Theatre performances with DK : Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (crew – May) and CATS (pit singer – November)
- meeting many of Han’s close friends from high school at a memorial for his friend Paul (May)
- Jonny & Cathryn’s wedding (June)
- Robert Plant & Allison Kraus concert (June)
- Jenny & Brad’s wedding (July)
- Han getting Amy Tan’s autograph for me (September)
- visiting Alcatraz and seeing Lucinda at the Fillmore (November)
- Disneyland twice while it’s decorated for the holidays, once with S, T, Han & DK and again with just Han (November & December)

And in the larger world we share, the economic fall-out has been the story of the year, but I’d rather focus on the jubilation of electing Barack Obama as the next president of the United States and look forward to 1-20-09 when he is inaugurated.

Finally, I can’t possibly sum up this year without speaking about the deaths of family and friends, acquaintances and others that all happened this year. As of today, the count is 11 as another soul left us yesterday. Julie was a close friend of DK’s mom and a very special person to DK herself having known her since she was a small girl. I had met Julie a couple times when we had gatherings for DK’s birthday in the past. May she rest in peace along with:

Paul Lowry
Craig Yerkes
“Papa” Herman Light
Brendan Moran
Dan Ely
Wanda Light
Scott Zensen
Lorna “Doone” Hamilton
Cindy’s mom
Dave “Smitty” Smith

This ended up being a very long post but hey, I’m re-capping a whole year! Here’s wishing you (and me!) a more prosperous, more health-filled, more life-affirming, more positive, more productive, more rockin’, more loving, more blissful new year and may it all start right away!

 

down with Prop 8!

Well, I can’t seem to embed the darn thing, so I’ll just try to link to it.

“Prop 8 – The Musical”

 

but…there’s still more to do

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27523989/

but from http://www.noonprop8.com/ a sliver of hope…

Nov 05, 2008

Statement by No on Prop 8 Campaign on Election Status

Roughly 400,000 votes separate yes from no on Prop 8 – out of 10 million votes tallied.

Based on turnout estimates reported yesterday, we expect that there are more than 3 million and possibly as many as 4 million absentee and provisional ballots yet to be counted.

Given that fundamental rights are at stake, we must wait to hear from the Secretary of State tomorrow how many votes are yet to be counted as well as where they are from.

It is clearly a very close election and we monitored the results all evening and this morning.

As of this point, the election is too close to call.

Because Prop 8 involves the sensitive matter of individual rights, we believe it is important to wait until we receive further information about the outcome.

Geoff Kors
Executive Committee
NO on Prop 8

Kate Kendell
Executive Committee
NO on Prop 8