38

It’s my birthday.  As I sit here in the early morning, before anyone else is up, I contemplate the day.  It’s always awkward at work.  I haven’t specifically told my co-workers, though I know that at least a couple people know.  Do I want attention or do I want to just be left alone?  A little of both.  I usually take my birthday off from work to avoid this kind of thing, but I didn’t this year.

Last weekend I went up to my parents’ house to see them and also because my sister and nephew were in town.  On Saturday, my dad & I had a heart-to-heart in the kitchen while the ladies got ready to go to lunch.  It simultaneously breaks my heart and fills it up to know how much both he and my mom love me and want me to be okay. I want it, too.  I realize now that I have always skirted depression, but in earlier years, I chalked it up to artistic melancholy.  It never lasted very long because I was able to bounce back pretty well.  This time it’s just taking a bit longer to bounce back.   It’s a very frustrating place to be when your rational and logical mind knows exactly what you’re supposed to be doing to not feel this way but the rest of you just doesn’t want to cooperate.  I don’t know how better to explain it.  I can tell myself over and over again that in order to feel better I have to do A, B, and C.  It’s a completely different thing to actually do those things.

My mom, sister & I went to Lizarran in Fullerton for tapas which were served up by a Mexican named Raoul.  The food was good for the most part, the best being the bread with tomato and garlic.  The simplest dish was the tastiest and most satisfying.  Now if that’s not a recipe for a life lesson…

After lunch, we came home and each of us drifted off to different things.  Coming together to talk or going off to read or nap.  It was all acceptable.  That’s one reason I love coming home.  I can do absolutely whatever feels right and it’s okay.  I tend to always want to rest or nap when I’m there.

For dinner, I exerted my authority as the early birthday girl and chose to go to El Cholo for some delicious Mexican food.  The service was great and the food was fantastic.  We told them it was my birthday so they came around to clap and sing while I wore a gigantic sombrero.  I also got a free flan that my mom & I shared.  It was tasty.

We were all stuffed so after the requisite photos in front of the restaurant, we headed home.  The rest of the night was TV watching and chatting, reading and falling asleep on various pieces of furniture.

On Sunday morning, we all roused naturally and Dad made chocolate chip waffles plus eggs and potatoes.  So good.  At one point, I went outside to the back yard by myself.  It was a gorgeous morning and the sun was shining brightly.  There was a moment as I stood looking at the garden when things seemed absolutely right.  And more than that, I had a feeling that everything was going to be just fine.  Perhaps a moment of clarity, but I remember feeling completely at peace.  Maybe it was a flash of deja vu, or some kind of time warp of when I lived there in high school and all my adult life lay ahead of me and was full of possibility.  I felt that same kind of easy anticipation, of not knowing what’s to come but knowing it will all work out.

Not long after breakfast, it was time to head back to San Diego by way of the grocery store.  Han was also heading back from Las Vegas around the same time I was leaving.  The drive home was easy, uneventful and we had a nice night.

It was great to be with my family over the weekend.  Sandy is looking amazing as she continues her weight loss journey.  My dad has also joined WW and I wish him great success.  My mom is a sweet soul who only wants the best for me.  Tristan is growing up well.   We’ll see them all again at Christmas (maybe Mom & Dad sooner but I’m not sure).

Now it’s time to get to the day. Tonight the Rock Band is playing at the Belly-Up and I hope some of our friends come out for that and for my birthday.  Here’s hoping for a great day!

 

diagnosed

I originally wrote this post last Thursday (11/5).  I’m not sure why I didn’t post it then, maybe I thought I’d have time to write more (typical).  But I didn’t so here’s this post.  Things have been very busy.

I went to the doctor this morning. It was not my regular doctor, but I thought she was great and I want to switch to her as my primary.

My blood pressure was fabulous. I’ve lost 4 pounds since my last visit (7 since the summer visit). My leg thing she figures is the IT band tightening and compressing a nerve in my leg. She said she was not concerned by it. She said to stretch every day and to just monitor it. If it gets worse or too irritating, she’ll refer me for physical therapy.

Then we got to the panic attack. I talked for a bit (emotionally so as is my penchant) and we discussed some various options including medication (like Paxil or Zoloft) and therapy. I’m still unsure about medication and she said that she wouldn’t suggest that as an option right now, but to try therapy again. There’s a program through the office there that isn’t covered by insurance but may be affordable. They are going to call me. Then, as I was waiting to have my blood drawn (for a basic metabolic screening to make sure the BP meds aren’t messing with my kidneys), I saw it there in black and white under Diagnoses: hypertension and depression.

 

darn it all

I’ve already bombed out on NaBloPoMo, but I’ll try to make it up. Plus I think I have a good reason.

Here’s what happened. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store after work. Actually, both Target and the grocery store because Target is much cheaper on most of the staples. With the time change, it was already dark when I got home. I’ve also been having this strange numbness in my left thigh and it was acting up. There was still dinner to make and work to do. I sat down on the couch for a minute or two, and I felt my heart start pounding, my breathing became irregular and tears came to my eyes. I think I had a small panic attack.

Han sent me to the bedroom immediately to lie down and relax while he made dinner. I recovered quickly and am fine now, but it was weird. I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for Monday, but I just changed it to Thursday. I’ll be sure to bring up all of these occurrences then. Weird.

I got up and ate dinner, watched the baseball game and then I went to sleep around 9:30 pm. Like I said, today I feel fine, but I’m glad I could switch my appointment. So that’s my story of why I didn’t post yesterday.

~~~

I also feel terrible that I didn’t complete all of my “haunted” posts in October. I even had something figured out for all the remaining days! I’ll try to slip them in throughout November, too, because they were good ones!

For Halloween, I was Bellatrix Lastrange from Harry Potter. It was all homemade but it worked. Here’s a group shot from a party I went to. On my left arm that’s extended is the Dark Mark, done in sharpie by one of my co-workers. In my right hand, I’m holding my “wand,” a stick from a tree in our front yard. This photo is also on Facebook if you want to see it bigger.

Okay, so here’s one of the things I was going to post for “haunted” and it fits in with what I did during the day of Halloween. It’s all the ‘reality’ ghost shows that are on: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Lab, Ghost Adventures. During Halloween day, I watched a marathon of Ghost Hunters. I just love it! And a week or two ago, I saw an episode of Ghost Lab from New Orleans that was really cool. They are both basically the same kind of set-up, but I’m a believer and these kinds of shows help validate that!

Until next time.

 

haunted # 19 & # 20 – ghostly phrases

# 19

Ghost in the Machine

Yes, a great album by The Police, but what does it mean?  I have always thought that this phrase stemmed from an explanation of sorts to define metaphorically why computers or other technological equipment have their occasional quirks.  However, in researching the phrase today, I didn’t find anything like that.

I did find some great references though that do  explain the phrase.  I link them here rather than trying to re-hash the psychological arguments that the phrase relates to:

http://garydexter.blogspot.com/2009/07/114-ghost-in-machine-by-arthur-koestler.html

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/51/messages/1003.html

http://www.word-detective.com/back-y.html

In a nutshell, however, the “ghost” is the spirit and the “machine” is the body.  It’s an interesting concept.

But back to The Police.  It turns out Sting, being a well-read man, read Koestler which inspired much of the music (and of course, the title) of the 1981 album.  Consider the titles:

1. “Spirits in the Material World” – 2:59
2. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” – 4:22
3. “Invisible Sun” – 3:44
4. “Hungry for You (J’aurais Toujours Faim de Toi)” – 2:52
5. “Demolition Man” – 5:57
6. “Too Much Information” – 3:43
7. “Rehumanize Yourself” (Sting, Stewart Copeland) – 3:10
8. “One World (Not Three)” – 4:47
9. “Ωmegaman” (Andy Summers) – 2:48 (“Omegaman” on some editions)
10. “Secret Journey“– 3:34
11. “Darkness” (Copeland) – 3:14

The whole album is a study in the technology of the world and how we interact with it.  And remember, this was 1981!  Think of how much more technology is embedded in our daily lives now and how some of us rely on it so heavily.  Smart rock.

~~~~

# 20

Give Up the Ghost

Another interesting phrase.  A euphemism for dying, or for something mechanical to quit working (maybe I was mixing up my meanings of ‘ghost in the machine’ with ‘give up the ghost’).

The phrase is in the King James Bible, but has an alternate metaphorical meaning (http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/155500.html) to not be living and not able to become a ghost.

Again, I’ve always had somewhat of a different understanding of the phrase.  I interpreted it to convey or include a willingness to be finished or done.  As in the person who died or the item that shuts down is simply ready to do so and is okay with it.

It seems, from a literal standpoint, to be backwards.  If you give up the ghost, aren’t you really choosing the corporeal over the ethereal?  Still it’s a lovely phrase, alliterative, evocative.

 

haunted # 12 – 17

I apologize for the lack of updates.  But I’m trying to make up for it with different ‘haunting’ moments for each day.  I hope you enjoy.

# 12

Marc Tiesen

Marc Tiesen was one of Han’s best friends in and after high school.  They were in bands together, wrote songs, got into trouble.  Sadly, Marc died 20 years ago from heart failure.  As long as I’ve known Han, I’ve known Marc’s name.  Over the years, I’ve met his mother and his sister.  One of Han’s songs was inspired by Marc.  It was actually the melody and some minimal lyrics that Marc came up that Han then finished after Marc’s death.  The Rock Band actually recorded the song on their CD.

With the advent of Facebook and its scary way of bringing people out of the woodwork, many of Han’s old friends have re-surfaced, some with the intention of putting together a tribute show to Marc.  One of these friends, Eric, came over last weekend.  He had also been in the bands along the way.  With him, he brought some old recordings, including one of the song that Marc improvised during a live show that became the complete song that Han recorded with Rock Band.  Han & Eric were in the other room, talking and reminiscing, then suddenly I heard the song, but it was really just the chorus that I recognized, the lilt and inflection of the melody.  And it was Marc.  I had never heard his voice before and the sensation that I felt was amazing, so I can only imagine how intense it was for Han to relive the moment and contemplate the years that have since passed.  Han explained that it was a live performance in front of a huge crowd and they were improvising and Marc just came up with this melody and these vague words.  I could tell it was really moving for Han to hear it.  Sometimes haunting is not scary, but beautiful.

~~~~

# 13

Thirteen great Halloween movies

I tried to make this list be just scary kind of haunting movies, but I couldn’t help throwing in a few funny ones.  These are all great flicks to get in the Halloween spirit.

1. The Others – One of Nicole Kidman’s best, and directed by a Chilean-born but raised in Spain director, his only English-speaking movie.  It is a classic suspense movie and I was not ready for the twist at the end.  Love this movie.

2. The Skeleton Key - I happened upon this one on cable one morning and was intrigued right away.  Old New Orleans, voodoo tales, and another nice twist.  I like Kate Hudson and she does a good job with this one.

3. Poltergeist - Still one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen, and one of the major reasons that clowns scare the crap out of me.  A true classic.

4. The Exorcist - I remember trying to watch this as a kid and just couldn’t get through it.  When I got older, I got through it, and it is scary.  As time has gone on, the effects may not be so magical, but it is the atmosphere and the mood of it all that heightens the fear for me.  I also think Exorcist 3 could be in the list.

5. What Lies Beneath - A suburban tale with Harrison Ford & Michele Pfeifer with that scary bathroom scene.  I will always watch this one when I find it on cable.

6. The Shining – Between scary Jack Nicholson, weird Shelly Duvall, and the haunted hotel, this movie, another classic, mixes the insane with the terrifying.

7. The Omen - I still can’t watch this movie after seeing it just the one time when I was younger.  This movie has always set the bar for me as a story of  pure evil.  Bad Damien.

8. 1408 - I saw this one recently.  It’s not super scary, but it’s a good story and an interesting concept.  I thought John Cusack was good in it.

9. (now the fun ones): Practical Magic - I adore this movie.  Between Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman (again!), you’ve also got Dianne Wiest and Stockard Channing, plus ghosts, magic and rituals.  Always a great one for Halloween.

10. Hocus Pocus – Another one that I will always watch if it’s on.  The threesome of Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Sarah Jessica Parker as three witchy sisters who come back to Salem after 300 years is just a good time.

11. The Witches of Eastwick - More Jack Nicholson and another Michelle Pfeifer film.  Well, plus Cher & Susan Sarandon.  These ladies conjure ol’ Jack and represent the ideal females, but their wiles work even on the devil.  Who can get over that cherry scene?

12. Beetlejuice - Poor ghosts Geena Davis & Alec Baldwin can’t scare away the family who’s moving into their house.  Winona Ryder can see them, but it takes Michael Keaton’s Beetlejuice to make things happen.  Catherine O’ Hara is classic in this one and the “Day-O” scene in the dining room still makes me giggle.

13. Scrooged - A double whammy since this one’s also good for Christmas.  I just saw this one again recently.  All the ghosts of Christmas are great and Bill Murray is great as the mean Frank X. Cross.

~~~~

# 14

The Haunted Mansion

I’m pretty sure I’ve confessed my love for this classic Disneyland ride more than once, but it truly is my favorite ride there.   It’s a complete experience even from the line.  I love how you don’t see the people getting off the ride and everything in between.  And I still hold that sometimes, there’s a knock on my doom buggy.

~~~~

#15

Lizzie Borden

Because we share the same name, I’ve been curious about this story for a while.  Last year, I did some research about it as I thought I might be her for Halloween.  We all know the rhyme, but as it turns out Lizzie Borden was acquitted of the crimes of killing her father and stepmother, though it was 1892 and the forensic evidence at the time wasn’t the greatest.  She went on to live a quiet life, supporting the arts and allegedly having an affair with an actress.  Her story, though, is still intriguing because the case was never solved and the story is still a mystery.  The house where the murders took place is now a bed and breakfast.  Is it haunted?

~~~~

# 16

Oingo Boingo

If you want music for your Halloween party, just throw on “Dead Man’s Party” or really any of the soundtracks Danny Elfman has created, mostly with Tim Burton (who should probably have his own category in my haunted theme).

In 1985, my family moved from Idaho to California.  I began to listen to KROQ and discover my affection for new wave music, including OB.  When I started high school, I met a guy who also liked them.  Oingo Boingo did annual Halloween shows and sometimes New Year’s Eve shows.  I think I saw one of each.  The one I remember was in Long Beach and the Untouchables opened the show.  What a great time, what a great band.  Twisted and loud, horns and angst, soul and ska.  I always think of them and their music around this time of year because their style (t-shirt designs, album artwork) generally had a lot of skulls and Dia de los Muertos kinds of motifs.  They rocked.

~~~~

# 17

The Great Pumpkin

Though not a true “haunted” thing, the Great Pumpkin is irrevocably tied to Halloween thanks to the Peanuts gang.  You gotta love Linus.

(p.s. I realize that Jack Skellington or “The Nightmare Before Christmas” should be included somewhere this month, but I’m afraid to admit that I have never seen it, so I don’t feel I have any authority to reference it).

 

haunted #7-11

# 7

Ghost in this House
written by: Hugh Prestwood
performed by Alison Krauss: video here

I don’t pick up the mail
I don’t pick up the phone
I don’t answer the door
I’d just as soon be alone
I don’t keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I don’t live in these rooms
I just rattle around

I’m just a ghost in this house
I’m just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls
I’m just a whisper of smoke
I’m all that’s left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I’m just a ghost in this house

I don’t care if it rains
I don’t care if it’s clear
I don’t mind staying in
There’s another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
And he lays down his head
On your pillow at night

I’m just a ghost in this house
I’m just a shadow upon these walls
I’m living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I’m just a whisper of smoke
I’m all that’s left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
And took my body and soul
I’m just a ghost in this house
Oh, I’m just a ghost in this house

~~~~

# 8

Saturday Night Live’s Celebrity Ghost Stories

~~~~

# 9

Baseball playoffs

Baseball is full of superstition, and sometimes it’s hard not to imagine that the ghosts of baseball past are influencing things just a bit. The other night I was watching game 2 of the Yankees/Twins games and A-Rod hit the 2-run shot in the bottom of the ninth to tie it, followed by Teixeira’s walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 11th. I don’t know if it was that game or the Dodgers/Cardinals game when the Dodgers made an amazing comeback to win, but one of the TV commentators made a reference to the ghosts having their way.

~~~~

#10

Ghost
written by: Emily Saliers
performed by: The Indigo Girls

Theres a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippis mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess thats how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And theres not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
Im in love with your ghost
Im in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(dont tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(dont tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
Id walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
Ive never been this close
Im in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I cant touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh Im forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I cant swim free
The river is too deep
Though Im baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

~~~~

#11

Found this excellent re-cap of all of the Brady Bunch episodes that featured hauntings and other trickery.

 

haunted # 5 & # 6 – tattoo and a song

# 5

I have a tattoo.

It’s a feather pen & ink-pot that was drawn for me by a friend in college. I got the ink during a spring break trip to Seattle with 4 of my closest friends at the time, though I can’t remember if it was my junior or sophomore year. All but one of us got tattoos that day, different designs, though I believe we got them all in the same location on our bodies. I’ve never regretted getting my tattoo. It is a symbol of who I’ve always been, who I always will be, in some ethereal way or other, even if it’s a state of mind. They say that once you get one, it won’t be long until you get others. That was true for the other 2 girls who went on to get more ink, though I’m not sure about the guy. As for me, I never really thought about getting another one. I had a design in mind, but it wasn’t as compelling to me.

I’ve been reconsidering that lately after two things happened.

First: I got a comment on an old post from February, 2008. The commenter was very nice and had been captivated, so to speak, by not only the passage from Divisadero that I posted, but also the last lines of the poem I’d posted to go with it. Fittingly enough for this post, the poem is called ‘to a ghost.’ In the passage from the book, the last line is: “So we fall in love with ghosts.” And the last lines of my poem are: “let us stand together/each with skin/harboring our ghosts.” The comment (thanks, Julie!) was just great, one of those kinds of comments every blogger wants, where you realize that something you’ve written has connected with someone out there. Someone you don’t know and probably never will outside of the words that have been shared. She wrote: “I stumbled across your blog and instantly my brain went ! when I saw the quote you posted from Divisadero. It’s one of my all time favorite passages from a novel-so much so that I have ‘So we fall in love with ghosts.’ tattooed on me.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that your poem is incredible and I’ve had the last three lines running through my mind since I’ve read it, as I often think about people as ghosts and the ways in which we haunt each other.” Wow, right?

So I was intrigued by the idea of actually having a tattoo that was words. I’m sure that sounds dumb, people get words tattooed all the time, but I usually just think of people’s names or gang affiliations.

Second: Then I saw these two posts from Molly (one, two). And I was blown away. What an amazing idea! I immediately started thinking of the possibility of adding words to my body. And though I’m thoroughly intrigued by the layering effect that Molly’s tattoo has, I think I’d want to be able to read the words, and have others be able to read the words should it be visible to them.

This idea will not see fruition for a while for several reasons, but the primary one being that I really need to know what I want to be inked on my skin permanently. There are candidates, of course, already but I think it will be a fun thing to think about for a while.

~~~~

#6

The Ghost in You
written by: John Ashton, Richard Butler, Tim Butler
originally performed by: The Psychedelic Furs

a man in my shoes runs a light and
all the papers lied tonight but
falling over you is the news of the day

angels fall like rain
and love is all of heaven away

inside you the time moves and she don’t fade
the ghost in you she don’t fade
inside you the time moves and she don’t fade

a race is on, I’m on your side and
hearing you my engines die
i’m in a mood for you for running away

stars come down in you
and love…you can’t give it away

inside you the time moves and she don’t fade
the ghost in you she don’t fade
inside you the time moves and she don’t fade

don’t you go it makes no sense when
all your talking supermen just
take away the time and get in the way

ain’t it just like rain
and love…is only heaven away

inside you the time moves and she don’t fade
the ghost in you she don’t fade
inside you the time moves and she don’t fade

 

haunted # 4 – Janis Joplin

My love for October and Janis Joplin have been well documented on my blog. These are truths of me, glimpses
into my core. I can’t help it. The Janis thing has been with me probably since the last year of high school or early college. Her voice unleashed something raw and beautiful, or at least made me recognize it when I saw it.

She was damaged and struggled throughout her life to come to terms with who she was, fighting her insecurity, but one thing she had was ambition and total balls. She was a contradiction and I can appreciate that. I can aspire to her best parts and learn from the others.

Today is the 39th anniversary of her death. I have pictures of her here at the house, a lovely framed shot of a photo I hadn’t seen of her before. Han got it for me last year.

I also have a smaller photo of her on my desk that was a gift from my friend, Robt. I can’t actually find a shot of it online to share here. So I guess you could say she’s always around and that’s good for me. I found a couple other shots that I like.

And of course, there’s plenty of stuff all over YouTube. I selected this one (couldn’t get it to embed), which is from the Dick Cavett show done about 2 months before she died. She looks happy to me, in full Pearl mode.

And, of course, there has been poetry. Mentions of her or straight out about her. I’ll leave you with this one. Rock on, Janis.

Visitors

full moon tonight is a pearl
by another name
this woman’s voice
ghost in my living room
happy with whiskey & wine
while I
boil spaghetti & drink milk
stand at my open door
let pearl moonlight edge
brightly over my threshold
along with strange city heat
not sultry
but angelic
warm breath of a lover
& night colors
no master can capture
purple grey of diffused moonlit clouds
most people would simply call blue

silver veil draped over bright white
casts shadows that trace my silhouette
tease my toes in their darkness
caress my neck with its texture
voice takes to the sky
she’s here with me
in the spaghetti I make
in the people I kiss
in the car I drive
in the songs I sing
in the prayers I taught to myself
in my belly
under my skin

I am hypnotized by pearl
the moon
the ghost

- Lizzie Wann (1997)

(man, the poems I’m posting are all old! maybe time to write some new ones?)

 

haunted # 1, 2 & 3 – introduction & two poems

# 1

The NaBloPoMo theme for October is “haunted.” I love this theme and all of its connotations.

Of course I meant to post on Thursday and on Friday, but on Thursday I was working on grading papers for an online class that I TA and last night, well, last night, I took a night off from the computer. Han & I caught up on a bunch of the TV shows we recorded (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Office,” etc).

I love October. Last night, there were small drops of rain and the sky was a symphony of clouds. Overlapping swaths of grey and white, reaching to the ocean that was infused with light as the sun went down. While driving home from work, I saw a fat rainbow out one side while my arm perched on the open window of my truck, sweet cool air streaming in. These kinds of moments remind me of the possibilities of life. They make me think of one word: opportunity. It just seems like there’s so much out there just waiting to be done, taken, discovered. It’s hope.

October is a contradiction to me because there’s that feeling of hope, some strange recipe of changing weather and light, but there’s also a feeling of darkness. The presence of ghosts and spirits, the awareness of other worlds. It’s magical and sometimes spooky, but for me, there’s a kind of reverence. I don’t know if that quite sounds the way I mean it to, it’s just that I have always been fascinated by the idea of spirits and feeling the presence of something else, and especially at this time of year, there’s context for it.

For me, haunting is like a mystery. It’s not sinister or evil. It’s shadows and secrets, it’s discovery and understanding. It’s comfort and forgiveness.

~~~~

#2

Phantoms & Flights

my life is strikingly devoid of phantoms
there’s a ghost in the house across the street
but she doesn’t bother me
I say “she” because it seems to be a neighborhood of women
who live long
who outlive their lovers
who fold sheets by themselves in their living rooms
who sing softly to the shadows
and sit barefoot on their porches

she is a quiet ghost
picks up her paper in the mornings
turns off her light at night
she doesn’t care to share her ghostliness with any of us
the planes never stop coming down
in the distance they remind me of thunder
as they near, they change to long deep moaning,
a suffering like the last body-wracking sobs of a breakdown
the volume of approach consumes the sky
screams of deliverance
birth and crossing over
in flight

I wait & listen for any phantoms to echo
but none do
she, across the street, remains quiet
as if she has no obligation to answer
does not even notice it anymore

- Lizzie Wann (2001)

~~~~

#3

Dead Land

I stand between quiet & silence
listen to gentle after-rain songs through leaves
smell movement of October air
& innocent clouds
grey with their guilty rain
like my hair that blows down into my face
with more grey than ever before
I see it plainly now
in wisps that hang to left & right

there are no promises here
only tributes to circles

morning becomes night becomes morning
becomes my wish
to be in Wyoming near the fire
swimming still in the Milky Way
without a savior
and knowing souls

- Lizzie Wann (1998)

 

somewhat restorative weekend, US Open & Harry Potter

I finally started the 7th book in the Harry Potter series.  The reason I waited a bit between reading the book and seeing the 6th movie was because I had a feeling I would get really sucked in.  And that’s exactly what happened.  I think I started it on Saturday and I’m nearly 3/4 done already.  I just couldn’t put it down.  It was even a weighty decision tonight whether to post something here or dive back in with Harry so close to finding another Horcrux.

That’s what I did all weekend.  Most of it.  Friday night, we ate a nice dinner (I made cashew chicken).  Saturday, we met with a woman who’s helping to promote a show later this month.  After that, I was reading and had the US Open constantly.  How about that Melanie Oudin?  I like that girl.  Good for her.  Saturday night, Han had a gig but I stayed home and continued reading and watching and just being mellow.

Sunday morning, the Acoustic Duo were on a local morning TV show to promote the upcoming San Diego Music Awards (Thursday!).  Both the Acoustic Duo AND the Rock Band are nominated for Best Album (Americana/Country for AD and Rock for RB) for their respective albums that we released earlier this year.  Plus a bunch of folks that Han produced are nominated, too.  It’s usually a fun, kind of weird night.  No one knows whether to take it too seriously or to just blow it off, but I think everyone secretly wants to win, for whatever reason.  I know I wanted to win when I was nominated way back when for Best Local Recording for my first CD (another Han production, his first actually).   Anyway, so Sunday was the TV spot, then it was home for a bit.  I went grocery shopping and Han had a session.  I had loftily thought I would make it up to Escondido to go to my dear friend Robt’s reading, but it was not in the cards.

That evening, I put forth the effort to recreate a recipe that our dear Louisiana friend once made for us: sweet smothered pork chops.  It came out pretty good, so I was pleased with it.

And Monday…a day off.  Slept in a bit, kept reading, more tennis.  Except, another weird health issue, so to speak.  My nose really hurt.  Like I’d been punched in the face (but I hadn’t been).  Tenderness across the bridge of the nose, and very sensitive should I “crinkle” my nose.   Monday was not the first day of this, it’d been like that for a couple days and it’s happened before, but on Monday, the weather changed, and with it came multiple sneezes and lots of congestion for me.  With a tender nose, this was not good times.   I took ibuprofen, I called the doctor (who said to take ibuprofen and an allergy pill).  I even tried the neti pot.  There was some relief but with the nose pain and the congestion, plus I took the one heavy duty allergy pill I had left, I wasn’t doing anything or going anywhere.  We’d been invited to Cathryn’s for a bbq.  Han went with DK.  I stayed on the couch.  I dozed heavily between chapters and matches.

On the one hand, it really sucked to feel laid up a bit.  But on the other hand, I relished it.  I didn’t email, I didn’t work, I didn’t busy myself.  That alone made it a good weekend.  I also tried to be really conscious of what I ate and drank.  Lots of water and single, smaller portions of whatever I was eating.  Han & I also talked about trying to walk every afternoon when I get home from work.  Small steps.

Today was DK’s first day of 7th grade at her new performing arts school.  She was not thrilled with all the rules and regulations that took up all of the class time, but her classes include theater, dance, English, world history, etc.  It’ll be good.

Han is up at another studio tonight working with a client on some piano tracks ’til late tonight.  Rafael Nadal just beat Monfils.  It may be time to get in a chapter or two (or five or six) and then answer some emails and do some other tasks for the music stuff.   Bona nit!