38

It’s my birthday.  As I sit here in the early morning, before anyone else is up, I contemplate the day.  It’s always awkward at work.  I haven’t specifically told my co-workers, though I know that at least a couple people know.  Do I want attention or do I want to just be left alone?  A little of both.  I usually take my birthday off from work to avoid this kind of thing, but I didn’t this year.

Last weekend I went up to my parents’ house to see them and also because my sister and nephew were in town.  On Saturday, my dad & I had a heart-to-heart in the kitchen while the ladies got ready to go to lunch.  It simultaneously breaks my heart and fills it up to know how much both he and my mom love me and want me to be okay. I want it, too.  I realize now that I have always skirted depression, but in earlier years, I chalked it up to artistic melancholy.  It never lasted very long because I was able to bounce back pretty well.  This time it’s just taking a bit longer to bounce back.   It’s a very frustrating place to be when your rational and logical mind knows exactly what you’re supposed to be doing to not feel this way but the rest of you just doesn’t want to cooperate.  I don’t know how better to explain it.  I can tell myself over and over again that in order to feel better I have to do A, B, and C.  It’s a completely different thing to actually do those things.

My mom, sister & I went to Lizarran in Fullerton for tapas which were served up by a Mexican named Raoul.  The food was good for the most part, the best being the bread with tomato and garlic.  The simplest dish was the tastiest and most satisfying.  Now if that’s not a recipe for a life lesson…

After lunch, we came home and each of us drifted off to different things.  Coming together to talk or going off to read or nap.  It was all acceptable.  That’s one reason I love coming home.  I can do absolutely whatever feels right and it’s okay.  I tend to always want to rest or nap when I’m there.

For dinner, I exerted my authority as the early birthday girl and chose to go to El Cholo for some delicious Mexican food.  The service was great and the food was fantastic.  We told them it was my birthday so they came around to clap and sing while I wore a gigantic sombrero.  I also got a free flan that my mom & I shared.  It was tasty.

We were all stuffed so after the requisite photos in front of the restaurant, we headed home.  The rest of the night was TV watching and chatting, reading and falling asleep on various pieces of furniture.

On Sunday morning, we all roused naturally and Dad made chocolate chip waffles plus eggs and potatoes.  So good.  At one point, I went outside to the back yard by myself.  It was a gorgeous morning and the sun was shining brightly.  There was a moment as I stood looking at the garden when things seemed absolutely right.  And more than that, I had a feeling that everything was going to be just fine.  Perhaps a moment of clarity, but I remember feeling completely at peace.  Maybe it was a flash of deja vu, or some kind of time warp of when I lived there in high school and all my adult life lay ahead of me and was full of possibility.  I felt that same kind of easy anticipation, of not knowing what’s to come but knowing it will all work out.

Not long after breakfast, it was time to head back to San Diego by way of the grocery store.  Han was also heading back from Las Vegas around the same time I was leaving.  The drive home was easy, uneventful and we had a nice night.

It was great to be with my family over the weekend.  Sandy is looking amazing as she continues her weight loss journey.  My dad has also joined WW and I wish him great success.  My mom is a sweet soul who only wants the best for me.  Tristan is growing up well.   We’ll see them all again at Christmas (maybe Mom & Dad sooner but I’m not sure).

Now it’s time to get to the day. Tonight the Rock Band is playing at the Belly-Up and I hope some of our friends come out for that and for my birthday.  Here’s hoping for a great day!

 

darn it all

I’ve already bombed out on NaBloPoMo, but I’ll try to make it up. Plus I think I have a good reason.

Here’s what happened. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store after work. Actually, both Target and the grocery store because Target is much cheaper on most of the staples. With the time change, it was already dark when I got home. I’ve also been having this strange numbness in my left thigh and it was acting up. There was still dinner to make and work to do. I sat down on the couch for a minute or two, and I felt my heart start pounding, my breathing became irregular and tears came to my eyes. I think I had a small panic attack.

Han sent me to the bedroom immediately to lie down and relax while he made dinner. I recovered quickly and am fine now, but it was weird. I already had a doctor appointment scheduled for Monday, but I just changed it to Thursday. I’ll be sure to bring up all of these occurrences then. Weird.

I got up and ate dinner, watched the baseball game and then I went to sleep around 9:30 pm. Like I said, today I feel fine, but I’m glad I could switch my appointment. So that’s my story of why I didn’t post yesterday.

~~~

I also feel terrible that I didn’t complete all of my “haunted” posts in October. I even had something figured out for all the remaining days! I’ll try to slip them in throughout November, too, because they were good ones!

For Halloween, I was Bellatrix Lastrange from Harry Potter. It was all homemade but it worked. Here’s a group shot from a party I went to. On my left arm that’s extended is the Dark Mark, done in sharpie by one of my co-workers. In my right hand, I’m holding my “wand,” a stick from a tree in our front yard. This photo is also on Facebook if you want to see it bigger.

Okay, so here’s one of the things I was going to post for “haunted” and it fits in with what I did during the day of Halloween. It’s all the ‘reality’ ghost shows that are on: Ghost Hunters, Ghost Lab, Ghost Adventures. During Halloween day, I watched a marathon of Ghost Hunters. I just love it! And a week or two ago, I saw an episode of Ghost Lab from New Orleans that was really cool. They are both basically the same kind of set-up, but I’m a believer and these kinds of shows help validate that!

Until next time.

 

welcome to November

Much more coming soon…

 

haunted # 4 – Janis Joplin

My love for October and Janis Joplin have been well documented on my blog. These are truths of me, glimpses
into my core. I can’t help it. The Janis thing has been with me probably since the last year of high school or early college. Her voice unleashed something raw and beautiful, or at least made me recognize it when I saw it.

She was damaged and struggled throughout her life to come to terms with who she was, fighting her insecurity, but one thing she had was ambition and total balls. She was a contradiction and I can appreciate that. I can aspire to her best parts and learn from the others.

Today is the 39th anniversary of her death. I have pictures of her here at the house, a lovely framed shot of a photo I hadn’t seen of her before. Han got it for me last year.

I also have a smaller photo of her on my desk that was a gift from my friend, Robt. I can’t actually find a shot of it online to share here. So I guess you could say she’s always around and that’s good for me. I found a couple other shots that I like.

And of course, there’s plenty of stuff all over YouTube. I selected this one (couldn’t get it to embed), which is from the Dick Cavett show done about 2 months before she died. She looks happy to me, in full Pearl mode.

And, of course, there has been poetry. Mentions of her or straight out about her. I’ll leave you with this one. Rock on, Janis.

Visitors

full moon tonight is a pearl
by another name
this woman’s voice
ghost in my living room
happy with whiskey & wine
while I
boil spaghetti & drink milk
stand at my open door
let pearl moonlight edge
brightly over my threshold
along with strange city heat
not sultry
but angelic
warm breath of a lover
& night colors
no master can capture
purple grey of diffused moonlit clouds
most people would simply call blue

silver veil draped over bright white
casts shadows that trace my silhouette
tease my toes in their darkness
caress my neck with its texture
voice takes to the sky
she’s here with me
in the spaghetti I make
in the people I kiss
in the car I drive
in the songs I sing
in the prayers I taught to myself
in my belly
under my skin

I am hypnotized by pearl
the moon
the ghost

- Lizzie Wann (1997)

(man, the poems I’m posting are all old! maybe time to write some new ones?)

 

haunted # 1, 2 & 3 – introduction & two poems

# 1

The NaBloPoMo theme for October is “haunted.” I love this theme and all of its connotations.

Of course I meant to post on Thursday and on Friday, but on Thursday I was working on grading papers for an online class that I TA and last night, well, last night, I took a night off from the computer. Han & I caught up on a bunch of the TV shows we recorded (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Office,” etc).

I love October. Last night, there were small drops of rain and the sky was a symphony of clouds. Overlapping swaths of grey and white, reaching to the ocean that was infused with light as the sun went down. While driving home from work, I saw a fat rainbow out one side while my arm perched on the open window of my truck, sweet cool air streaming in. These kinds of moments remind me of the possibilities of life. They make me think of one word: opportunity. It just seems like there’s so much out there just waiting to be done, taken, discovered. It’s hope.

October is a contradiction to me because there’s that feeling of hope, some strange recipe of changing weather and light, but there’s also a feeling of darkness. The presence of ghosts and spirits, the awareness of other worlds. It’s magical and sometimes spooky, but for me, there’s a kind of reverence. I don’t know if that quite sounds the way I mean it to, it’s just that I have always been fascinated by the idea of spirits and feeling the presence of something else, and especially at this time of year, there’s context for it.

For me, haunting is like a mystery. It’s not sinister or evil. It’s shadows and secrets, it’s discovery and understanding. It’s comfort and forgiveness.

~~~~

#2

Phantoms & Flights

my life is strikingly devoid of phantoms
there’s a ghost in the house across the street
but she doesn’t bother me
I say “she” because it seems to be a neighborhood of women
who live long
who outlive their lovers
who fold sheets by themselves in their living rooms
who sing softly to the shadows
and sit barefoot on their porches

she is a quiet ghost
picks up her paper in the mornings
turns off her light at night
she doesn’t care to share her ghostliness with any of us
the planes never stop coming down
in the distance they remind me of thunder
as they near, they change to long deep moaning,
a suffering like the last body-wracking sobs of a breakdown
the volume of approach consumes the sky
screams of deliverance
birth and crossing over
in flight

I wait & listen for any phantoms to echo
but none do
she, across the street, remains quiet
as if she has no obligation to answer
does not even notice it anymore

- Lizzie Wann (2001)

~~~~

#3

Dead Land

I stand between quiet & silence
listen to gentle after-rain songs through leaves
smell movement of October air
& innocent clouds
grey with their guilty rain
like my hair that blows down into my face
with more grey than ever before
I see it plainly now
in wisps that hang to left & right

there are no promises here
only tributes to circles

morning becomes night becomes morning
becomes my wish
to be in Wyoming near the fire
swimming still in the Milky Way
without a savior
and knowing souls

- Lizzie Wann (1998)

 

December mornings

With NaBloPoMo wrapped up (I think I missed just a couple days), the question is whether the daily posting will continue.  I will say like I’ve always said.  I will try to post more regularly but I doubt it will be every day.

The final weekend of November and of the Thanksgiving holiday saw the return of the book club.  Barb had invited a couple new women so we are now back to a festive 6 which should engage in some great discussions.  The book that was selected is “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle” which I have yet to acquire.  It is hardcover and has been given the nod from Oprah so it’s impossible to find at any library.  I may have to bite the bullet and just buy this one.  I am told I won’t regret it.

Our holiday plans are coming together, which is nice.  Han & I will travel to see my parents on Christmas Eve.  My dad’s sisters and brother will also join us there.  It will be good to spend that time with them.  Last year was the first time I hadn’t spent the holiday with my family and it was a little sad for me, though I thoroughly enjoyed our trip to Florida and Georgia to see Han’s mom and her family.  Plus Jeff was able to see his grandpa and I know that meant a lot to him.

We will also be making a trip to Disneyland with DK.  That will most likely be our main “gift” to each other.  Two days in the Magic Kingdom will be awesome.

This week (Thursday) is my company’s holiday party.  Han is going with me this year.  It is still supposed to be formal, but with 2200 people there, I doubt they will be monitoring wardrobe at the door.  It’s one of those obligatory things you have to do when your employer asks it of you.  It’s certainly not my favorite thing.  The bonus though is that I will get Friday off, which I will not complain about.

Happy December!

 

another relaxing day

I could get used to this!  Got up relatively early to go grocery shopping.  It was a beautiful morning, sun shining but a small bite to the air.  I did realize today that I prefer my local Vons to my local Ralphs, but I had some coupons to Ralphs so that’s why I went there.  Probably won’t do that again though.

After that, I hung out at home and did some of that cleaning I’ve been threatening to do.  Bathroom, kitchen, living room.  Han helped by doing the vacuuming which I don’t love to do.  Then we watched “Fiddler on the Roof” which I had never seen.  I made it through most of it, only dozing a couple times.

And now we are about ready to head out to a gig that Han is playing, not with Acoustic Band or Rock Band but as percussionist and guitarist for another act.  It’ll be fun.  It’s the first of two nights at this same venue, so we’ll be doing the same thing again tomorrow.

But also tomorrow, it’s the return of Book Club!  It’s been quite a while since we last met so I’m excited if only to hang out with Heather and Barb again.

Tomorrow is also the last day of NaBloPoMo.  I’m pretty proud of myself for doing as well as I did!  And there are still several blog posts floating around in my head that I want to get to, so we’ll see how December goes.

 

fun drunken blog post

That’s what happened last night.  My first drunk blog post.  Hee!  And except for the typical drunken exaggeration (maybe yesterday morning wasn’t the best of my entire life, but it was certainly quite nice), I still stand behind my post.  It was a good Thanksgiving and today has been good, too.  I slept ’til noon (!) and then got some lunch for myself, Han & a client of his that was over.  I made up a grocery list and a menu for next week, watched my recorded episodes of “Top Chef” and just relaxed.

We’re getting ready now to head out for Han’s Rock Band gig which should be a fun time.  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

 

still technically Thanksgiving

I haven’t gone to bed yet, so even though it’s “technically” the day after Thanksgiving, meaning I would have missed another day of blogging in November…it’s still the same day in which I woke up, meaning I have not slept since it was “actually” Thanksgiving.

It was a great day, despite all of the indications in which it might not have been a good one.  I woke up naturally at 9 am. Read my book on the couch (finished it even!) and watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, something I don’t know I’ve ever done before in my life, at least from start to finish.  The rain came down and I opened one of the front windows to let in the sound and the wind.  It was one of the most perfect mornings of my life. The scent of the freshly blooming jade in front of our house, the smell of the ocean, the absolute perfect cadence of the raindrops made it simply supreme.

I am typing this now after our Thanksgiving outing at a good friend’s house (replete with three different kinds of turkey no less plus a ham!), and my typing is less than accurate.  There are many instances of deleting and backspacing.  But despite that, I am content.  We were with people who have been part of our lives for longer than I realized and as we conversed and shared the holiday, I was struck by how close we have become without being caught up with the day-to-day ups and downs of life.

Combining the shocking death of Scott yesterday, and really, all the others we’ve lost this year, with such a holiday of celebration, was an uplifting experience in a very uncommon way. I feel so lucky in so many ways, and it felt so good to share this day with these people who are family in a non-traditional sense.  My family (Mom, Dad, Sister), in particular, have never been extremely traditional with this holiday, and so, as I’ve grown older, it does not quite demand the particular emotion that many others feel at this time.  But it does not diminish the fact that I care deeply and am so very grateful and thankful to my immediate family for their enthusiastic and unrelenting support.  I am confident that even though we (or I) chose to not be together on this day that they know beyond any doubt how much I adore them and so desperately rely on their unconditional love at all times. 

It is with an abundant heart that I say I have no regrets in my life, and that I am doing everything I would do if I had the chance to do it all exactly like I wanted to.  I hope whoever reads this feels the same.

 

another unexpected loss

Han called me from LA this afternoon where he is up doing some music work.  He called to tell me that he had learned that our friend Scott Zensen had died today of a heart attack.  He was 50. 

Scott came to my birthday show last week and was thoughtful enough to give me a book of poetry.  He was a very unassuming guy who absolutely LOVED the music scene here in San Diego, particularly the group of artists Han & I are very close to and connected with.  He maintained an online music ‘zine called MyWeek in Music and I contributed some poetry to it off and on.  I often wondered how he managed to stick with it.  It was a labor of love through and through.  His enthusiasm was pure and I know that everyone appreciated his support.

It is yet another shocking and sad death this year.  There have been way too many.