poetry


My love for October and Janis Joplin have been well documented on my blog. These are truths of me, glimpses
into my core. I can’t help it. The Janis thing has been with me probably since the last year of high school or early college. Her voice unleashed something raw and beautiful, or at least made me recognize it when I saw it.

She was damaged and struggled throughout her life to come to terms with who she was, fighting her insecurity, but one thing she had was ambition and total balls. She was a contradiction and I can appreciate that. I can aspire to her best parts and learn from the others.

Today is the 39th anniversary of her death. I have pictures of her here at the house, a lovely framed shot of a photo I hadn’t seen of her before. Han got it for me last year.

janis-joplin-framed

I also have a smaller photo of her on my desk that was a gift from my friend, Robt. I can’t actually find a shot of it online to share here. So I guess you could say she’s always around and that’s good for me. I found a couple other shots that I like.

janis-joplin 63616~Janis-Joplin-Posters

And of course, there’s plenty of stuff all over YouTube. I selected this one (couldn’t get it to embed), which is from the Dick Cavett show done about 2 months before she died. She looks happy to me, in full Pearl mode.

And, of course, there has been poetry. Mentions of her or straight out about her. I’ll leave you with this one. Rock on, Janis.

Visitors

full moon tonight is a pearl
by another name
this woman’s voice
ghost in my living room
happy with whiskey & wine
while I
boil spaghetti & drink milk
stand at my open door
let pearl moonlight edge
brightly over my threshold
along with strange city heat
not sultry
but angelic
warm breath of a lover
& night colors
no master can capture
purple grey of diffused moonlit clouds
most people would simply call blue

silver veil draped over bright white
casts shadows that trace my silhouette
tease my toes in their darkness
caress my neck with its texture
voice takes to the sky
she’s here with me
in the spaghetti I make
in the people I kiss
in the car I drive
in the songs I sing
in the prayers I taught to myself
in my belly
under my skin

I am hypnotized by pearl
the moon
the ghost

- Lizzie Wann (1997)

(man, the poems I’m posting are all old! maybe time to write some new ones?)

# 1

The NaBloPoMo theme for October is “haunted.” I love this theme and all of its connotations.

Of course I meant to post on Thursday and on Friday, but on Thursday I was working on grading papers for an online class that I TA and last night, well, last night, I took a night off from the computer. Han & I caught up on a bunch of the TV shows we recorded (“Parks and Recreation,” “The Office,” etc).

I love October. Last night, there were small drops of rain and the sky was a symphony of clouds. Overlapping swaths of grey and white, reaching to the ocean that was infused with light as the sun went down. While driving home from work, I saw a fat rainbow out one side while my arm perched on the open window of my truck, sweet cool air streaming in. These kinds of moments remind me of the possibilities of life. They make me think of one word: opportunity. It just seems like there’s so much out there just waiting to be done, taken, discovered. It’s hope.

October is a contradiction to me because there’s that feeling of hope, some strange recipe of changing weather and light, but there’s also a feeling of darkness. The presence of ghosts and spirits, the awareness of other worlds. It’s magical and sometimes spooky, but for me, there’s a kind of reverence. I don’t know if that quite sounds the way I mean it to, it’s just that I have always been fascinated by the idea of spirits and feeling the presence of something else, and especially at this time of year, there’s context for it.

For me, haunting is like a mystery. It’s not sinister or evil. It’s shadows and secrets, it’s discovery and understanding. It’s comfort and forgiveness.

~~~~

#2

Phantoms & Flights

my life is strikingly devoid of phantoms
there’s a ghost in the house across the street
but she doesn’t bother me
I say “she” because it seems to be a neighborhood of women
who live long
who outlive their lovers
who fold sheets by themselves in their living rooms
who sing softly to the shadows
and sit barefoot on their porches

she is a quiet ghost
picks up her paper in the mornings
turns off her light at night
she doesn’t care to share her ghostliness with any of us
the planes never stop coming down
in the distance they remind me of thunder
as they near, they change to long deep moaning,
a suffering like the last body-wracking sobs of a breakdown
the volume of approach consumes the sky
screams of deliverance
birth and crossing over
in flight

I wait & listen for any phantoms to echo
but none do
she, across the street, remains quiet
as if she has no obligation to answer
does not even notice it anymore

- Lizzie Wann (2001)

~~~~

#3

Dead Land

I stand between quiet & silence
listen to gentle after-rain songs through leaves
smell movement of October air
& innocent clouds
grey with their guilty rain
like my hair that blows down into my face
with more grey than ever before
I see it plainly now
in wisps that hang to left & right

there are no promises here
only tributes to circles

morning becomes night becomes morning
becomes my wish
to be in Wyoming near the fire
swimming still in the Milky Way
without a savior
and knowing souls

- Lizzie Wann (1998)

Today is Poem in Your Pocket day. You have 30 poems from this blog alone to consider adding to your pocket today. I like some of the suggestions they provided to make poetry more public today:

In this age of mechanical and digital reproduction, it’s easy to carry a poem, share a poem, or start your own PIYP day event. Here are some ideas of how you might get involved:

  • Start a “poems for pockets” give-a-way in your school or workplace
  • Urge local businesses to offer discounts for those carrying poems
  • Post pocket-sized verses in public places
  • Handwrite some lines on the back of your business cards
  • Start a street team to pass out poems in your community
  • Distribute bookmarks with your favorite immortal lines
  • Add a poem to your email footer
  • Post a poem on your blog or social networking page
  • Project a poem on a wall, inside or out
  • Text a poem to friends
  • Share poetry. That’s all they ask. I’ve tried to do my part this month with my daily postings. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed them! I certainly had a fun time finding stuff to post, and of course, there are many others that I would have liked to add. Friends like Robt O’Sullivan Schleith or Daniel Weinshenker and classics like Edna St. Vincent Millay or Lorca. I encourage you to seek them out on your own.

    For the final poem this month, I chose this rather long piece, but one that I still find so fascinating. With wisps of nostalgia, sorrow, and hope, it seems a fitting way to wrap up. And it contains the phrase that is on this year’s National Poetry Month poster, something that I want to keep asking myself, to challenge myself and make life better.

    npm_poster_2009_2001

    The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
    by T.S. Eliot

    S’io credessi che mia risposta fosse
    a persona che mai tornasse al mondo,

    questa fiamma staria senza pi scosse.
    Ma per ci che giammai di questo fondo
    non torn vivo alcun, s’i'odo il vero,
    senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

    Let us go then, you and I,
    When the evening is spread out against the sky
    Like a patient etherised upon a table;
    Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
    The muttering retreats
    Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
    And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
    Streets that follow like a tedious argument
    Of insidious intent
    To lead you to an overwhelming question.
    Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
    Let us go and make our visit.

    In the room the women come and go
    Talking of Michelangelo.

    The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
    The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,
    Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening
    Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
    Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
    Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
    And seeing that it was a soft October night,
    Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
    And indeed there will be time
    For the yellow smoke that slides along the street
    Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
    There will be time, there will be time
    To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
    There will be time to murder and create,
    And time for all the works and days of hands
    That lift and drop a question on your plate,
    Time for you and time for me,
    And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
    And for a hundred visions and revisions,
    Before the taking of a toast and tea.

    In the room the women come and go
    Talking of Michelangelo.

    And indeed there will be time
    To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
    Time to turn back and descend the stair,
    With a bald spot in the middle of my hair–
    (They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
    My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
    My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin–
    (They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
    Do I dare
    Disturb the universe?
    In a minute there is time
    For decisions and revisions which a minute win reverse.

    For I have known them all already, known them all–
    Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
    I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
    I know the voices dying with a dying fall
    Beneath the music from a farther room.
    So how should I presume?

    And I have known the eyes already, known them all–
    The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
    And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
    When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
    Then how should I begin
    To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
    And how should I presume?

    And I have known the arms already, known them all–
    Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
    (But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
    Is it perfume from a dress
    That makes me so digress?
    Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
    And should I then presume?
    And how should I begin?

    Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
    And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
    Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?

    I should have been a pair of ragged claws
    Scuttling across the floors of silent seas…

    And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
    Smoothed by long fingers,
    Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
    Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
    Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
    Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
    But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
    Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in
    upon a platter,
    I am no prophet-and here’s no great matter;
    I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
    And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
    And in short, I was afraid.

    And would it have been worth it, after all,
    After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
    Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
    Would it have been worth while,
    To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
    To have squeezed the universe into a ball
    To roll it towards some overwhelming question,
    To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
    Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”–
    If one, settling a pillow by her head,
    Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
    That is not it, at all.”

    And would it have been worth it, after all,
    Would it have been worth while,
    After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
    After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along
    the floor–
    And this, and so much more?–
    It is impossible to say just what I mean!
    But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a
    screen:
    Would it have been worth while
    If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
    And turning toward the window, should say:
    “That is not it at all,
    That is not what I meant, at all.”

    No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
    Am an attendant lord, one that will do
    To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
    Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool
    Deferential, glad to be of use,
    Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
    Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
    At times, indeed, almost ridiculous–
    Almost, at times, the Fool.

    I grow old . . . I grow old . . .
    I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

    Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
    I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
    I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

    I do not think that they will sing to me.

    I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
    Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
    When the wind blows the water white and black.

    We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
    By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
    Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

    - from The Waste Land and Other Poems

    Back in the day (what a funny expression), this poem was my ’signature piece.’ I don’t know, maybe it still is in some circles. Since it was written in April some years ago, I thought it would be a good one to add in this month of poems.

    The Kind of Smoker I Would Be
    by Lizzie Wann

    Sometimes I wish that I smoked
    because it would give me something to do
    during those times when I find myself waiting
    or those times when I want to run away from people
    their conversations or their arguments
    I would at least have something to occupy my mouth during its silences
    when it only wants to feel some pressure against it
    without effort, without asking

    Because that’s the kind of smoker I would be
    silent, alone, taking it in and letting it go for myself
    the way I would kneel and clutch my rosary
    with sunlight shaken down from heaven

    But I am not religious
    I believe in something that I don’t know if it could be called
    God or Self or Sun & Moon
    only that there it all is and here I am in it
    and I am satisfied with that knowledge
    don’t want to investigate mysteries
    like what lies beyond darkness of an April sky
    or if something will be affected
    if my body is returned to the earth with its skin and some clothes
    or if it is scattered as ashes
    my bones baptized by fire in death
    far from the holy waters of birth

    Ashes of the cigarette I would smoke
    would be mingled in a bowl or a pot with the others
    that I would then mix with water and
    try to throw on the potter’s wheel
    but I am not a sculptor either

    I fall in love nightly
    with the bare forearms of musicians
    and secretly thrill myself
    with the wonders of their mouths
    that might press against mine
    without effort, without asking

    Like the way my cigarettes would
    burn and live and die
    by my mouth
    these kisses exist quick and sweet between us
    without regret
    with love and not sorrow
    because it has been so nice
    to not be sad about love
    for so long

    I would snub out the cigarette with ritual
    to end its burning and satisfaction
    Celebrate it with hymns for its graces
    and for all those that will come after
    to also
    burn and live and die
    and to know my mouth
    in its silences

    When I was going through my collection of poetry books, I happened to open the Laguna Beach Slam Team 2000 anthology.  The first poet’s first poem is a poem for me.  I was surprised and pleased.  I knew this poet had written such a piece, but I didn’t know that it had been published, much less that I had a copy of it.

    This poet and I discovered our mutual love for Jeff Buckley at a party once.  He was one of the main reasons why I even got a spot on the 1999 Laguna Beach slam team.  He was a judge at one of the qualifying bouts.  I took a chance and read a short piece, probably under a minute, and he gave me a very generous score.  His work is incomparable as is his entertainment value.  I’m happy to hear that he is doing so much with his poetry (opening for Cold War Kids, I mean come on!)

    I haven’t seen or heard him read in a long time, but I try to keep my eyes and ears out for when he’ll make an appearance I can attend.  I count myself very lucky to have been part of a poetry scene in Orange County (when the San Diego scene was non-existent) that included the likes of Mindy Nettifee, Victor Infante, Steve Ramirez, Jaimes Palacio, June Melby, Paul Suntup, Lea Deschenes, John Gardiner, Michael Paul, G. Murray Thomas, Mifanwy Kaiser, Daniel McGinn, Lori McGinn, Charles Ardinger, Lob, Chris Tannahill, and of course, Derrick Brown.

    Cursing Jeff Buckley
    by Derrick Brown

    for Lizzie

    You sultry poison
    You angeldust donor
    You American gunmetal tongue
    Stealing the power from women

    You said the nightmare sucked you in
    and pulled you under
    the muck of the river filling your wide, shark-toothed mouth
    You cried out for the cold southern moon
    Oh helpless moon…
    You held your breath
    and went down
    your body convulsing in the black water
    shaking for life
    bubbles roared from your throat
    filled with swirling notes of terror

    A last song.

    You said the nightmare sucked you in
    and pulled you under
    You died brilliantly.
    …how did you know?


    May elaborate more tomorrow, but for now…

    for Jeff Buckley
    by Lizzie Wann

    Rivers that run through Memphis
    will take you down
    swallow your arms, your bare feet
    all the loveless parts of you

    You have no say against it

    Your voice means nothing to the river
    the earth wants you inside it
    and the river is the mouth
    that will take you down
    take you in
    learning every inch of you
    committing you to memory
    like none of your lovers ever could
    only amid the water’s chaos
    will you feel true tenderness
    as the roaring becomes the only sound
    bigger than you
    bigger than you could ever know
    sound could be
    and nothing can save you

    You are being called
    to the edges
    to the void of aching silence
    and extreme anger
    that can be soothed only by the river

    In Memphis, where you were quiet,
    creative, unheard
    where you fought lack of love
    loss of tenderness
    turned it into grace
    and fabric of a simple
    city dress
    ageless, ageless

    You made demands only rivers could answer

    It approached you with intention
    like none of your lovers ever could

    Just a quick one for this evening from my lovely friend, Una Hynum.

    Crossroads
    by Una Hynum

    Dark descended into night;
    the thinnest parachute of light
    adorned the wood with crinkled well
    as silent as a silken sail
    collapsed about a naked deck.
    Stars crawled out upon their knees,
    blinked in circles round the trees,
    felt their way along the ground,
    discovered paths; without a sound
    filled the woods with muffled flak.
    At the crossroads children stand,
    readied jar lids in their hands,
    enchanted by one throbbing star
    aglow within a Mason jar.
    Awed, they let the prisoner go,
    not understanding what they know.

    - from Everyday Birds on Everyday Fences

    Sometimes you never remember how or when a poem was written. But I have some in which I know exactly how, why, when, where. As described in the last post, I attended a workshop facilitated by Holly Prado. One of the first exercises was to write about something that happened that morning. I remember my first attempts were easy…a song on the radio, driving…and then she said something about reaching further, beyond the ordinary and I came up with the first strands of poetry that would become what is the poem for today.

    Before I’d left to drive up to Orange County for the workshop, I went into Laurel’s room to let her know I was leaving and this is what happened.

    The Girl Who Dreamed of Bees
    by Lizzie Wann

    sunlight swarms into her room
    while she presses sleepy hands into her eyes
    pushes hair casually from her face
    she begins to tell me her dream about bees
    comes alive
    busily working out the details

    faint, soft scent of lemon
    rises from her skin
    white down comforter
    slips from her naked body
    I am drawn to the curve
    of her hip, smooth as a flower petal
    I slide my hand over it

    we share these pure moments like honey

    she is at the point in the dream
    where the bees sting her
    they are, of course, also drawn to her
    to her sweetness, to her unashamed beauty

    she wonders what it all means
    but I know that she is like melissae
    and they are this goddess’ companions
    as she continues to discover
    the power of their medicine

    I leave her
    curved and warm in her bed
    my mind still buzzing
    with thoughts of her skin

    I’m happy to say that Laurel is now married to a great guy named Lee, they have a beautiful boy named Henry and are expecting another baby very soon.  I miss her, but just know that we will always be kindreds, whether we speak every day or just a few times a year.

    I wish I’d bought one of her books.  I often think back on the day I drove up to Orange County to attend her workshop.  (It also makes me think suddenly that I should attend more of them!)  I was living in the original Meeting Grace house in Golden Hill and my friend, Laurel, was living with me as she tried to rebuild her life after leaving her husband.  It was a very special time in my life and Laurel was a big part of that.

    I’m not sure why I chose to attend this workshop, except that maybe I was feeling stuck and thought this would be a good exercise.  And it was.  I remember working on a piece during the workshop that I thought might become my masterpiece.  But it never quite worked, though pieces of it may have made their way into other pieces.  In looking for a poem to post for Friday, I pulled out an anthology, So Luminous the Wildflowers, one that I am also in, and found this piece by this former workshop leader, Holly Prado.  It stirred these memories and made me realize what my next poem will be.  But for now, enjoy this.

    Harry, It’s Raining
    by Holly Prado

    Your knees against mine as we sleep, 5 a.m. -
    ah, there’s time, still, to stay here in bed.

    When I do get up,

    I sit at my desk in my pajamas with two candles lit
    and Tibetan peace incense burning. My prayer lifts
    with the lively twists of smoke:

    May the day pass smoothly so we can get to evening
    when we plan to eat out, then see a movie, then come home
    and go to sleep again. What an ordinary prayer, I hope
    not an insult to the Tibetan Buddhists who made the incense,

    who built a floor-to-ceiling mandala for Universal Peace, all
    by hand, infusing it with everything they, enlightened monks,
    understand about peace for the entire world. But isn’t
    creating peace

    in one’s own life a step toward the whole? Aren’t our knees,
    gently touching, a mandala forming peaceful symmetry?
    Maybe tonight we’re doing our best for peace when we eat
    at Zumaya’s, then settle in to watch an Italian movie about
    the Mafia. Kurt Vonnegut once wrote that if there are angels,
    he wants them organized along the lines of the Mafia. I agree.
    Tightly-knit bands of angels could surely do more good than
    flittery, independent-contractor angels. As the incense
    smoke curls, I believe in angels; in Buddhism’s intricate cosmos;

    in Catholic saints; in our plain Protestant carpenter -
    Christ. He said “Love.” That’s it. That’s my prayer,
    breathed into the sweet-smelling incense. Love. Peace.
    Nothing new, but so what? The day opens itself as I pray for

    our knees, my darling, which touch each other with the
    delicacy of folded angel wings. We are saving the world
    with our knees. Knees for peace.

    April 23rd is widely agreed to be the birthday of Shakespeare.  There is also some speculation (romantically so) that it was also the day he died.  The influence of Shakespeare is vast and quite remarkable.  For today (this evening’s) poem, one of my favorite sonnets of his, #29.

    Sonnet XXIX
    by William Shakespeare

    When, in disgrace with Fortune and men’s eyes,
    I all alone beweep my outcast state,
    And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
    And look upon myself and curse my fate,
    Wishing me like to one  more rich in hope,
    Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
    Desiring this man’s art, and that man’s scope,
    With what I most enjoy contented least;
    Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
    Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
    Like to the lark at break of day arising
    From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
    For thy sweet love rememb’red such wealth brings,
    That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

    - from The Sonnets – Poems of Love

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