I have always loved October. It’s a month of mystery. It’s crisp evenings and a turning away from summer. (In San Diego, there’s no true autumn – it goes from spring to warm spring to summer to hot summer to indian summer to not quite summer/not quite winter to winter)
It’s the month that holds the anniversary of Janis Joplin’s death, so I always think of ghosts and music, spinning each other around, taking my arm and having me join in their little dance.
I’m not afraid of ghosts. The house where I live now has some as did the house in Golden Hill where I used to live. That ghost was more tragic than the one (or ones) sharing the house now. Han has had more interaction with them as they sometimes interrupt his recording. But for me, my experiences have been non-issues. I remember one night I was falling asleep on the couch and I got the unmistakable sense of someone passing through the room, and it was a peaceful feeling. Most other times, it is just something flitting about from the corner of my eye.
In October, I feel like I can come into my own a little bit more. In summer, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more modest about my appearance so I skip the beach, the skimpy tanks and shorts. In October, it’s okay to bundle up a little and in San Diego, it’s the perfect amount for me. It’s okay to light a candle and curl up on the couch (not that it’s not okay to do that at other times). And it’s not quite winter so the blues haven’t settled in yet.
I’ve had some good times this summer, but overall, it’s not been spectacular. I’ve been trying to analyze it, of course, trying to understand why I haven’t made the most of it. It seems I’m always trying to determine if what I’m doing is actually what I want to be doing. And often, I end up a little defeated because I can’t figure it out so I resort to my ultimately lazy nature and don’t do much of anything, whether it’s creative, healthy or otherwise engaging in life. It’s sad when I think about it and kind of shameful. And that’s what I mean. Is it shameful? Or did I not do anything because I didn’t want to do anything? My own intentions are unknown to me. So I keep plodding on thinking they will reveal themselves.
So I look forward to October, a month that has always signified a period of change and a shifting of perspective.