It’s my birthday. As I sit here in the early morning, before anyone else is up, I contemplate the day. It’s always awkward at work. I haven’t specifically told my co-workers, though I know that at least a couple people know. Do I want attention or do I want to just be left alone? A little of both. I usually take my birthday off from work to avoid this kind of thing, but I didn’t this year.
Last weekend I went up to my parents’ house to see them and also because my sister and nephew were in town. On Saturday, my dad & I had a heart-to-heart in the kitchen while the ladies got ready to go to lunch. It simultaneously breaks my heart and fills it up to know how much both he and my mom love me and want me to be okay. I want it, too. I realize now that I have always skirted depression, but in earlier years, I chalked it up to artistic melancholy. It never lasted very long because I was able to bounce back pretty well. This time it’s just taking a bit longer to bounce back. It’s a very frustrating place to be when your rational and logical mind knows exactly what you’re supposed to be doing to not feel this way but the rest of you just doesn’t want to cooperate. I don’t know how better to explain it. I can tell myself over and over again that in order to feel better I have to do A, B, and C. It’s a completely different thing to actually do those things.
My mom, sister & I went to Lizarran in Fullerton for tapas which were served up by a Mexican named Raoul. The food was good for the most part, the best being the bread with tomato and garlic. The simplest dish was the tastiest and most satisfying. Now if that’s not a recipe for a life lesson…
After lunch, we came home and each of us drifted off to different things. Coming together to talk or going off to read or nap. It was all acceptable. That’s one reason I love coming home. I can do absolutely whatever feels right and it’s okay. I tend to always want to rest or nap when I’m there.
For dinner, I exerted my authority as the early birthday girl and chose to go to El Cholo for some delicious Mexican food. The service was great and the food was fantastic. We told them it was my birthday so they came around to clap and sing while I wore a gigantic sombrero. I also got a free flan that my mom & I shared. It was tasty.
We were all stuffed so after the requisite photos in front of the restaurant, we headed home. The rest of the night was TV watching and chatting, reading and falling asleep on various pieces of furniture.
On Sunday morning, we all roused naturally and Dad made chocolate chip waffles plus eggs and potatoes. So good. At one point, I went outside to the back yard by myself. It was a gorgeous morning and the sun was shining brightly. There was a moment as I stood looking at the garden when things seemed absolutely right. And more than that, I had a feeling that everything was going to be just fine. Perhaps a moment of clarity, but I remember feeling completely at peace. Maybe it was a flash of deja vu, or some kind of time warp of when I lived there in high school and all my adult life lay ahead of me and was full of possibility. I felt that same kind of easy anticipation, of not knowing what’s to come but knowing it will all work out.
Not long after breakfast, it was time to head back to San Diego by way of the grocery store. Han was also heading back from Las Vegas around the same time I was leaving. The drive home was easy, uneventful and we had a nice night.
It was great to be with my family over the weekend. Sandy is looking amazing as she continues her weight loss journey. My dad has also joined WW and I wish him great success. My mom is a sweet soul who only wants the best for me. Tristan is growing up well. We’ll see them all again at Christmas (maybe Mom & Dad sooner but I’m not sure).
Now it’s time to get to the day. Tonight the Rock Band is playing at the Belly-Up and I hope some of our friends come out for that and for my birthday. Here’s hoping for a great day!