It’s the first of October, my favorite month of the year, and it’s not started well, my friends. It’s been a tough year for me, starting with my panic attack in January. Han & I have been having a rough time. Too much to get into really, and honestly, I don’t feel like airing all my woes here about that. But I’m writing to express a sentiment I recently heard from Louis C.K. when he was on Conan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c
He said, “Sadness is poetic,” and explained how he had to pull over and cry when he heard Bruce Springsteen’s song, “Jungleland,” all while explaining how we feel like we have to stay connected to everyone with our cell phones.
In a message I wrote to Han today before I left the office, I said something to the effect that my recent ups and downs are part of my depression and that they would happen whether he was here or not. Then on the way home, I plugged in my iPod and first Ryan Adams’ song, “Oh My God, Whatever, Etc.” came on, and I started crying. And then, guess what song came on? “Jungleland.” I didn’t pull over, but I cried.
While writing that message, I contemplated going back to my therapist. I probably should, but I’ve found that I’m never really all the way truthful there. I’m too afraid of what he’s probably thinking of me or that I will somehow be made to feel wrong. I want praise from my therapist, not to be told how f’ed up I am. How f’ed up is that?
Now, Mom, I know you don’t understand why or how I could be depressed. I don’t really either, but I can point you to this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression. They don’t all apply for me, but some of them do.
And it comes in waves. And it has over the course of my life, although when I was younger I didn’t know to call it depression.
So that’s happening.
And to my sweet sister, I’ll have you know I also watched the Breaking Bad series finale. Han filled me in on the story thus far, plus I also have the BBaddicts at work who would discuss every episode religiously. And although I do want to watch all five seasons to understand the characters better, I felt it was a good ending, as did Han, as did my co-workers (none of that look from them).