the rest of the week

After the disappointment of Wednesday night, the rest of the weekend has been pretty good.

On Thursday, out of nowhere, I decided to see a movie. Instead of a variety of Oscar-nominated films I could have chosen, I selected “Winchester” starring Helen Mirren. It’s about Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester rifle company fortune and known eccentric who built what came to be known as the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, California. Not sure what to expect, and not deterred by the terrible ratings it received from critics, I took my seat. Turns out the ratings were accurate. I wouldn’t say it was completely terrible, just that it could have been so much better. If you like ghost stories and haunted houses, it’s worth a viewing, but definitely on cable or Redbox or Netflix.

On Friday, I talked to my sister who had had a great day (Chris Stapleton tickets AND Hamilton tickets!, plus a fun work outing to Top Golf). She was due for a good day, and I’m glad she got one. That night, I made myself some dinner and went to bed early, which was lovely.

Saturday brought the dreaded errand of taking my car in for an oil change. My car has over 120k miles on it, so was due for a more thorough inspection that turned out to be a pretty hefty cost. But since I have no real plans to get a new car anytime soon, I’d like this one to last me a while longer. While it was being serviced, I walked over to the nearby Starbucks and read all morning. It felt so luxurious. After that, I went home and did laundry, read some more, started watching “Grace & Frankie” season 4 on Netflix, then rallied to go to Lindsay’s house concert in Pt. Loma.

I say rallied because it’s not that I was necessarily sad or down, but I was just feeling a little introspective, a little low-energy. I find that I feel like that fairly often, especially after work and on weekends, when it’s just me – few interactions with people, etc. But I wanted to see & hear Lindsay play, plus I wanted to see this house. Pt. Loma is one of my favorite areas of San Diego.

The house did not disappoint. It had a lovely view of the SD skyline. The show was good. It was Lindsay and a singer-songwriter from Seattle, Jean Mann, who has a lovely voice. I didn’t hang out afterward, just hugged Lindsay and made my way home with a stop at Del Taco.

My eating habits (and exercise habits) leave much to be desired since Dad died. Somehow during the hospice bubble, I lost weight. I have fluctuated up and down since I got home, but I haven’t been able to get back to that weight I was when I returned. I’d like to, and I know how to, but, like last night, the draw of fast food won over. I enjoyed it, then I felt guilty about eating it, then I tried to not worry about it and to do better the next day.

Since this time last year, I’ve lost about 20 lbs, give or take 1 or 2 lbs here and there. It seems like a big deal. I’ve gone down 2 sizes in pants which feels good. Like I said, I want to lose more, and I feel like I know how to do it without it feeling like it rules my life. I feel like I have to be careful to not let the number on the scale define how I value myself. It’s easy to throw it out the window and say you don’t care, then feel bad about yourself when the number keeps going up. It’s also easy to deprive yourself in order to see the number go down but feel unfulfilled and ultimately more susceptible to really things go.

Today, I came down to my little French cafe where Lindsay came and met me. I told her about the above (specifically the eating stuff), and she recommended not worrying about it too much because the feeling is most certainly part of the grief process and shouldn’t be another thing that I worry about on top of just general grieving. (One thing I didn’t write about was what a hard evening I’d had on Monday. Not sure what set it off – maybe that Superbowl episode of “This is Us” – but it was not an easy night.)

After the cafe closes, in about 40 minutes, I’ll head back to the apartment, and then maybe head out for a walk, then work on my editing class homework (don’t think I’ve talked about that yet here either). I’d also like to get farther in my book (“LaRose” by Louise Erdrich) because it’s due back on Wednesday, and while I think I can renew it, I’m also starting “The Martian” by Andy Weir in my newly formed little book club of 2 people (me and my boss, David, who has discovered a newfound love of reading). I’d like to just take “The Martian” with me on my trip to NM (I leave on Wednesday!) plus my Kindle. I’m only halfway through “LaRose” though. #bookwormproblems

Tomorrow night, I’m torn between going to the San Diego Slam (last qualifier before the Grand Slam), a comedy stand-up show featuring my friend, Lauren O’Brien, and third choice is just to stay home, which has usually won out in the past weeks. As you’ve read, I have gone out and done things, but the pull to stay home is always quite strong. In fact, I haven’t been to any poetry events since the hospice bubble. Well, I guess we’ll see what happens!

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