I know I missed yesterday. I just plum forgot! I think I’m up to two posts that I owe.
As my birthday approaches, so does all my angst. I’m not sure if that’s the right word for it. Melancholy maybe is better. Low. All day, I’ve felt on the verge of tears, and several times have given in to it.
It’s easy for me to cry. I cry at sweet movies or TV shows. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m upset. It’s natural for me to cry when I feel extremes. It was a subject of contention in my past relationship because he thought I was trying to distract him. I tried to tell him that I could still carry on with our discussion or fight or whatever was happening, it’s just that I had to cry while it was happening.
I am similar to my mom in this trait.
I don’t cry as much as I used to as far as fighting or being upset with someone, I don’t think. My life feels much more in balance now in that regard. But books, television, movies, sometimes songs can make me cry. And so can kind words directed to me. Words of affirmation are my love language, which is defined by one website as:
“When words of affirmation is your love language, words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.” – from https://www.familycentre.org/news/post/5-different-ways-to-show-love-and-improve-your-relationship
That is not to say I’m an ego-maniac (I don’t think!), and criticism isn’t as hard to take as it once was. What’s scary or tough for me about hearing or receiving kind words is actually believing them.
That is all to say that I find that when my birthday nears, when it’s time to celebrate the fact that I was born and have survived 50 years (!) thus far, I want to be showered with words of affection. At the same time, I would never presume that people feel any kind of way about me (except maybe my mom and sister), so I rarely put myself out there like that. I tend to want to be alone on my birthday because ultimately, I don’t want to have expectations of others and feel poorly when/if those expectations are not met. But then I feel poorly anyway for even wanting any sort of acknowledgment. Add to that that I do know that I have friends and family who love me and who do acknowledge it often, so what’s the big deal? Sigh. So then this weird cycle continues and thus brings on the melancholy/angst that summons tears or almost tears throughout the day(s) before my birthday.
Tomorrow I’ll talk about the astrology reading I had done today and some of what she said about how the stars were aligned when I was born.